Tuesday, December 20, 2011

10 Reasons Why I Don't Like Your Outfit

I'm donning the sexy Cranky Pants for another rant. This time, I'm gonna aim my venom at fashion.

I'll preface this by saying in the last 15 years I have gone from a size 10 up to a size 18, and now I'm pretty much a 14 (unless you count the three things I own that are a 12 which are probably just mislabeled) and in that time I have committed many fashion sins. Such as *ahem* this. But it just wouldn't be a rant if there wasn't an air of hypocrisy now would there?

10 Reasons Why I Don't Like Your Outfit

1. Your shorts are so short your bum cheeks are not covered. Now I really cannot stress this enough, if I can see your cheeks, then you are not actually wearing pants, you're wearing denim underwear. Also if your pockets are longer than your shorts it kinda looks like you have a piece of toilet paper stuck to you... not the best look.

2. You have DD breasts and are obviously wearing a C cup bra which has effectively cut your norks in half giving the impression that you now have four. The multiple boob look should only be attempted by that one girl in Total Recall - you know the one.

3. You look amazing in something I tried on and looked like a Christmas Ham in. OK, I admit, this one is just based in pure, unadulterated jealousy.

4. I can see your labia. Girls, you may have amazing legs from here to tomorrow and love showing them off but if your skirt could be mistaken for a belt then I think you need to put something else on. What do you do if you need to pick something up off the floor? No really, I have no idea how you can possibly do it without chucking a Brittney Spears.

5. You have a dark bra on under a light shirt. You are not Carrie Bradshaw! For the record I thought she looked crap when she did it too.

6. Leggings as pants. Enough said.

7. You dress for the size you want to be not the size you actually are. In other words, muffin tops, back fat and bulges or shapeless tents. There are amazing clothes out there for people of all shapes and sizes, though sadly sometimes they are hard to find (ask Nikki at Styling You, she'll help you no matter what your size).

8. I can see three inches of bum crack and/or underwear. Do you have a plumbers license? No? Then pull your god damn pants up!

9. You are covered in the insignia of a team you've never actually seen play, from a country you've never visited and a city you could barely place on a map.

10. You are wearing clothes that could easily lead to any number of passers by mistaking you for an exotic dancer... and you're only fifteen. Now you might think that my recent birthday means I've ticked over in to the fuddy duddy category but you'd be wrong - I've been in that group for a long time already,. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!

What makes you think an outfit is horrible?

32 comments:

  1. Haha!! My thoughts exactly Darl! Bx

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  2. 11. Stockings/tights as leggings as pants. Shudder.

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  3. A skirt that can't decide whether to be long or short. Short in the front and long at the back. ie, a mullet skirt.

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  4. Oh, I'm with you on so many of these, Glow. We had a new mum at playgroup who never wore knickers. We never sat on the chair she sat on (ewww). But anyways, one day she was putting the pram in the boot of her car, she was wearing a skirt, and a gust of wind.... well, it was quite disturbing to say the least...

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  5. agree with all these things. My new favourite is when people try to colour block but look like a reject from Hi-5. 
     - Black lace is usually very wrong. 
     - too much animal print.
     - ed hardy anything
     - white pants. 
     

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  6. I could not have said it any better. I agree with ALL of those and I'm nowhere near fuddy duddy age... I mean, 30.

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  7. when your top is so tight I can see your belly button outline, you need a bigger size!

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  8. I was going to get on my moral high horse and say people should be left to wear what they want but then I remembered jumpsuits...on anyone...wrong. Even worse with heels.

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  9. Cherie @ a baby called MaxDecember 20, 2011 at 11:22 AM

    I'm a chronic leggings wearer, mainly because they really are just so kind to my post baby kangaroo pouch belly.

    That said, I never actually leave the house wearing them.

    I do have some fashion values ;)

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  10. 10 GREAT reasons!  I'm especially fond of the denim shorts with the pockets hanging out at the thigh. Seriously, what's with that?  And people who wear clothes that are too small/tight.  If it doesn't fit, give it away, or at least give it a rest until it does!

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  11. bumcheeks!!!  Have you seen the new supre ad? They have shorts that look like gstrings with the pockets hanging out.. WHO WOULD WEAR IT.. who would buy it for their daughter!?

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  12. I have to add... any outfit that requires constant tugging, adjusting, rearranging, straps-putting-back-on-shoulders-every-few-minutes. 

    And shoes that you can't walk in. 

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  13. I see your leggings as pants and I raise you control top panty hose as pants. That's right. Her top only came halfway down her bum so definitely not a short dress situation. More like a "left my skirt at home" situation.

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  14. The dark underwear/light coloured dress ensemble does my head in, every time. 

     And thos little cut off shorts with the pockets hanging out. There is a whole generation of teenagers that are going to look back in twenty years and marvel at the extent of their fashion victimness. (And I should know - I was a teenager when we wore lots of stonewash and spiral perms, oh the shame.....)

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  15. YOu never fail to make me laugh: these are all the things I think when i see people in absurd outfits, but never think of when it comes to post writing!!

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  16. Leggings as pants is my biggest fashion hate.... and dont even get me started on jeggings. Jeggings are the bane of my existence....

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  17. #4 and #8 really p--- me off. I saw a young girl in the city just two days ago, her skirt was so short that with every step she exposed a triangle of white undies from the front view, from behind two white "new moons" with each step. Bum cracks? I've seen so many....and still I'm sickened by the look. Not to mention how awful the saggy pants look from behind.

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  18. I wear them all the time at home too... they're strictly an at home garment for me!

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  19. I try to avoid Supre ads at all costs

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  20. They're everywhere at the moment!

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  21. Unless you're Madonna, obviously.

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  22. My sentiments EXACTLY!!

    But sometimes I have to give hubby a punch in the arm for perving and then give him a stern warning that in 5 - 10 years that could be one of his daughters!

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  23. "I can see your labia" . . . now that is good advice for just about any situation!

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  24. #1 is my sister CONSTANTLY. I tell her to at least tuck the pockets up but apparently I know jack shit about fashion.
    My bestie also likes to get her labia out on any chance she can get.
    I am an old lady to them because I like to keep my tummy covered, boobs pushed up into place and I wear bull breifs that remain covered by clothing.

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  25. I pretty much agree with your rules for outfits.  Another one I don't like is socks with sandals...seriously if it is too cold for sandals put on regular shoes and if you want to wear sandals lose the damn socks.

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  26. Hilarious and very true. Can I add boobs bursting out of tops, almost taking someones eye out. I have big boobs, but I reign these girls in for the safety of the community!

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  27. ha ha you have made my day! Oh I so agree with the team insignia. I just don't get it!

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