Goodbye, breastfeeding

It's World Breastfeeding Week and Bobbin has chosen this time to self wean. The irony is not lost on me.

She has been in the process of weaning for many months now, at times going a full week without a feed. But this time we are at two weeks, and it feels like it is forever.

I've been pregnant, breastfeeding or both for seven years straight.

I could see our breastfeeding journey was coming to an end soon, or, more accurately, I could feel it was nearly over.

Bobbin's latch has been changing. Some days she would be fine and other days she would treat my nipple like a straw and not surprisingly, would get very little milk as a result. If it had been a few days between feeds, she would take a few tries to get her latch right, as if she was forgetting how to do it.

We have been down to one feed a day, just first thing in the morning to allow us all to sleep a little longer, for a long time now. There's been a few random day time feeds when she has been sick or upset, but it's not her go-to.

I'm surprised how similar the two weanings have been despite the different circumstances. Tricky weaned at around two and a half years because when I got pregnant my minimal supply dropped off and it freakin' hurt every time he latched, so I started refusing some feeds and he would shrug his shoulders and have a drink of water instead. Then he just stopped asking. It was all very painless, at least for him. I, on the other hand, felt like someone was slicing my nipples off with razor blades for those last months when pregnancy made them so sensitive.

Bobbin is just shy of three, so she has fed a few months longer than her brother, but the gradual, no fuss weaning has been almost identical. When she would hurt me with the incorrect latch I'd take her off and she'd quite happily take water, "Bobbin's milk" (soy in a bottle), or go and play. Then she stopped asking all together.

I'm glad they have both pretty much weaned in their own time, with only slight encouragement from me. It's been a gentle process and we've all adjusted well.

I always pictured myself breastfeeding my children, but at the beginning I never saw myself as a full term feeder. I guess because I'd never seen it before. It was only the blog world and the interwebs that taught me it was even a thing, and when my kids hit twelve months and were still very reliant on their "mum cuddles" (Tricky) and "mum milkies" (Bobbin) the idea of forcing them to switch to the milk of a different mammal seemed bizarre. So they kept nursing and I just went with what they wanted.

I'm not sad that it's over, though. I don't pine for those moments, though I look back on them with such fondness. Tiny hands grabbing at my shirt, little fingers exploring my face, that milk drunk face. Then as they got older, that immediate calm that would come over them when they fed, no matter what was happening around them - immunisations, blood tests and even removal of stitches. They were super boobs and could solve any problem.

It has been the cliche honour and privilege to be able to breastfeed my children and donate milk to premature babies. It hasn't been easy (nipple staph infection anyone?) but it has been worth it for us.

But I'm done. And I'm happy.

Feeding and Fashion

This is a S2 post

For full details please see my disclosure policy

I do not profess to be a style icon. I know next to nothing about fashion. But I do know that the options for mamas who breastfeed can be limited so when I saw how gorgeous the clothes from Milk and Love were, I knew I had to have some.

If you follow WMG on Facebook or Instagram then you might have seen me trying out a few breastfeeding dresses from their online maternity and breastfeeding store recently (or even pre-Bobbin when I started wearing this awesome waterfall cardi that has hidden buttons to turn it into a breastfeeding wrap).

I've been reviewing a few dresses (and a couple of tops) because I am getting sick of just wearing shorts and tshirts every single day. With summer almost here, and the weather well and truly hot in Perth already, I wanted to put a few summer styles to the test.

The first one I tried out was the Zahra Applique Dress. You would never guess it was a breastfeeding dress and every single time I've worn it I've had so many compliments on it. I absolutely loved that I could wear it with a pair of nude heels, a bit of a nice hair do and a fascinator to make it in to a smart dress but that it works just as well with sandals and a sunhat to be completely casual.

It allows great breast access which is particularly important for us larger bossomed gals or newbie breastfeeders. Because it really doesn't look like a breastfeeding dress and you can't tell how it works just from the front, I put on a white bra and took a photo to show you how it opens (bottom right)!

I also tried out the Getaway Day Dress which comes in both a full length maxi dress and a knee length version. I opted for the shorter one just to show off my lily white legs and blind passers by. What I loved about it was how the breastfeeding clips are concealed by a small piece of fabric so it doesn't scream breastfeeding dress. They did make it a little trickier to refasten the strap after feeding at first, but I got used to it pretty quickly. This one comes with a built in shelf bra that offered light support and depending on where I was going (read: how many people I was likely to run in to) would determine whether I wore a bra with it for extra support. It is fully lined, but I found out the hard way that you still shouldn't wear neon blue undies with it. See? Not a fashionista!

Left: Getaway Day Dress. Right: Frills and Grace Maxi Dress.

I took the Frills and Grace Maxi Dress for a quick spin and loved the frills and the, err, grace. This one was easy to feed with because it unbuttons at the breast but still has another layer underneath to be a bit more discreet. I'm not a fan of the tops and dresses that skip this part - It just feels like so much more skin is exposed when they don't have that teeny tiny little camisole layer.

All three of the dresses are nice and roomy over the tummy without looking like tents and can be worn as maternity dresses or, in my case, cover-the-paunch dresses.

I also road tested the Myo Waist Shaper Compression Top because of said paunch. Whilst I did love the slimming look the compression band offered, I think it would be better suited to women with a smaller bust and not my ginormous knockers (I range between an E and an F depending on how long between feeds). The right size for around my tummy was just a tad too small for the boobs and the right size in the boobs meant no compression for the tum. But this is something I've always struggled with as a large chested gal.

A smaller bust size would still have great breast access through the arms, but it was a little restrictive for me. Which is a shame because I wanted to have those extra muffins without the muffin top. When Bobbin is taking some solids and I deflate a little, it will be perfect.

Milk and Love also sell the groovy necklace I'm wearing in some of these photos, the 7 Pebble Necklace in Egyptian Teal. It's one of those food grade silicone teething necklaces that mean your kid can gob on it without hurting their chompers. Because of the materials you do need to run them under the tap to stop them feeling 'furry', but if your kid is actually chewing it you'd be cleaning it more often anyway. Well, at least I hope you would be.

On a side note that shows my maturity level, I found it completely hilarious when I looked down at the largest pebble resting on my boobs and read the brand name... Nibbly Bits.

I bloody love how maternity and breastfeeding clothes are becoming more and more fashionable. Not a potato sack in sight! If you're thinking that buying online isn't the go because you can't try it on, well you don't have to worry because the lovely Corryn at Milk and Love actually lets you try on and return the ones that don't fit, which is why I bought the compression top in two different sizes.

If you feel like popping over to say hi, you can find Milk and Love on Facebook and Twitter. Tell her Glow sent you. And if you feel like buying something, chuck in GLOWING10 for 10% off your first order!

Dear Me...

Dear Me circa June/July 2010,

Brand new baby? Check.
Set of boobs? Check.
Read everything ever written about the benefits of mama’s milk? Check.
Steely determination to reap said benefits? Check.
Supportive partner? Check.
Smooth sailing breastfeeding? Erm, lemme get back to you on that one.

Oh, Glow, look at you. You’ve got that new mama look about you – the sleepy but serene look of someone so in love. You’re also got that weird crick neck thing going on from looking at your beautiful babe for hours on end – the books never warn you about that one, it hurts after a while so remember to swap arms.

You’re about to embark on a journey that at the time will seem like an endless slog of long painful nights, but in reality, it is only a blip on the radar. I’m talking about your first few weeks and months of breastfeeding.

There will be hurdles. Oversupply. Thrush. Golden Staph (don’t worry, it doesn’t look gross). Pain. They will seem insurmountable in your sleep deprived state. You’ll sit there at night thinking “just one more week” but not really be sure what you mean by it. One more and you’ll give up? Or one more and it will all be alright?

And then, one day you’ll stop and think “Hey, it feels OK. I wonder when that happened?” When it stopped being a chore and started being beautiful. And you won’t be able to pinpoint it exactly, but somewhere, after not too long, it just all started working. Which is so great because not only is looking at chubby star fish hands patting your breast while a toothless grin erupts over your child’s face (never dropping the nipple!) just adorable, but you’re more than a bit lazy and very forgetful so we all know you’d suck at remembering bottles and would complain endlessly about washing them.

One day, not far from now, when it has become second nature for you both, you will barely remember the hassles. No, really. I know you’re struggling right this second, dreading the next feed, but time goes so fast. Trust me. It will be fantastic when you get the right advice from a lactation consultant. 

It’s important, though, to not hinge your worthiness as a parent on this fabulous milk producing malarkey your mammaries are capable of. Because when you become unwell for a few days and experience a massive drop in supply you’ll feel like a failure. And well, that’s just a bit bloody stupid.

Your aim, to get to twelve months? Girl, you’ve got that shit covered and then some so don’t stress. In fact, you’re going to feed your first born for almost triple that. Thirty two months. Some people will call you all sorts of names for doing it, but you need to trust in yourself and what you know about sustained breastfeeding and its benefits. Surround yourself with supportive people and ignore the naysayers.

But in saying that, remember to respect each mama’s right to choose how and when she feeds her precious bundle and for god’s sake share some of that abundant milk supply around to others who need it and become a milk donor sooner rather than later. Seriously, girl, your boobs don't fit in any tops, do it now.

Happy breastfeeding.

Love Glow x

P.S. Then you'll do it all again and with that bit of confidence, you'll jump the hurdles so much quicker. Believe in yourself and believe in the power of the BOOB!

What would you tell your new mama self about breastfeeding?

This post is part of the Dear Me series being run to promote the new Online Breastfeeding Cafe. Developed by the Australian Breastfeeding Association, this new initiative aims to target women who may feel ambivalent about breastfeeding and encourage them to share, discover and chat about breastfeeding via a supportive online forum and resource centre. You can also check out the Online Breastfeeding Cafe's Facebook page.

Breastfeeding - the second time around

Bobbin's first breastfeed - less than 10 minutes old

Breastfeeding is such a natural thing... that didn't come very naturally to me at all last time. I struggled. A lot. Despite reading all about it, joining the Australian Breastfeeding Association, attending meetings and seeing three lactation consultants.

It took two months for anyone to realize that I had a massive oversupply and was drowning the Trickster, making him pull back and have an incorrect latch. Hello cracked, bleeding nipples and a world of pain. I also got nipple thrush a few times and just as it cleared up a lovely golden staph infection. Niiiice.

I ended up pumping half of Tricky's feeds just to give my poor nipples a break. It took a while, but we got there and soon enough (though it didn't feel quick at the time!) we found our stride. And then some.

I thought this time around, with a bit of experience up my, err, bra, and a stack of confidence, I would be one of those women who just puts their child to their breast and VOILA, perfect, painless breastfeeding from day dot. Nup. I was wrong.

I had enough milk for twins again. Which is fantastic if you actually have twins and much less wonderful if you only have a singleton. Every time I've mentioned I have an oversupply of breastmilk there is always the same few reactions:

If the woman I'm chatting with has experienced similar they tend to give a sorry smile quickly followed by some great tips about how they coped in those early weeks before it regulates.

If the woman has battled to breastfeed thanks to an undersupply, generally the first thing I hear is "You're so lucky!".

Um, I'm not actually. I'm the first to admit that out of the two I'd prefer to have an oversupply, but it really isn't as cut and dry as a well fed babe. It is freakin' painful.

Having enough milk that your chest rivals that of the latest porn starlet is not fun. Not even for the partner looking at those super boobs because OMG I LOVE YOU BUT IF YOU TOUCH THEM YOU WILL DIE. It bloody hurts to be almost constantly engorged. Even with cold packs and cabbage, the pain is pretty bad.

The thing that does make me lucky is that this time around I know how to handle it straight away, rather than waiting for weeks and getting all sorts of different, conflicting advice. Just like last time, I had so much milk that at first, I couldn't get Bobbin to latch on at all - imagine a tiny newborn mouth trying to latch on to a basket ball. Every lactation consultant will tell you it is breast feeding not nipple feeding but with a rock hard boobie, nipple is the only thing Bobbin could get.


So I would express off a little to make it soft enough for her to latch - which is always great fun to do when your baby goes from yeah, feeling a little peckish to FEEEEED MEEEEE NOOOOOOW screaming in about thirty seconds. So sometimes I would just let her feed with a bad latch for a few minutes then reposition her - which I really don't recommend. Ouch.

With expressing off a tiny bit I was getting up to 250ml of excess milk a day which I have frozen for whenever we may need it (read: when I want to have a couple of glasses of wine). And slowly, but surely, with only expressing the absolute minimum for comfort and latch, the milk level has been dropping and is much more manageable now to the point where I only have to do it in the mornings now. Huzzah! It gives new meaning to supply and demand curves (thank you year eleven economics).

That and block feeding is what saved us again. Even though block feeding does mean I look like a lopsided porn star at times, it is a price I'm willing to pay!

It might not have been instant success but it has come so much quicker this time and I'm SO grateful that I can breastfeed Bobbin because I know how many people struggle with it. I'm in a position that some people envy, and while I can't change the breastfeeding experience of anyone else, I can give milk to those babies who really need it - I'm back donating milk again to the PREM Bank at King Edward Memorial Hospital. I've been unable to donate blood for a long time due to a heap of reasons including being either pregnant or breastfeeding or both for the last four years, so it feels bloody good to be able to donate my milk again.

Did you have an easier time breastfeeding second/third/fourth/etc time around?

Oh, Facebook, you shit me to tears

I'm all for rules, terms, conditions, guidelines, what have you, but if you pick and choose when they apply rather than have a blanket approach, well that is when I get a bit picky.

Once again, Facebook is doing my head in.

Now before you go screaming that it is a free service and I should just shut up, I'm talking about a paid section of the 'book. Boosting and advertising.

Recently I was asked to promote a Facebook competition for the online maternity and breastfeeding store, Milk and Love. Coincidentally only a week or two earlier I had been looking at their store and drooling over the waterfall cardigan, so I was all "YA HUH! I LOVE YOUR CARDIGANS! I'LL DO IT!".

The lovely Corryn, who had just given birth about two seconds earlier and is trying to run a business with a newborn permanently attached to her, kindly sent me my drooled-after cardi along with the image to promote with her target demographic for me to "boost" to. There was never going to be a blog post, or Instagram, orTweet, just one Facebook post with a paid boost (paid to Facebook).

Within minutes of putting it up, we hit a snag. I got notification that my boost had been rejected because:

"it violates Facebook's Ad Guidelines by using profanity or addressing the age, gender, physical condition, or sexual orientation of users on Facebook."

I am a potty mouth from way back. So what horrid profanity had I used? Boobs. BOOBS! 

In the context that I said I was about to re-learn breastfeeding which sometimes means boobs everywhere and that I liked the idea of a stylish way to cover up until I got the hang of it again. 

Seriously, it is nipples akimbo in those first few weeks for me! 

Are you kidding me?! How is the word "boobs" a profanity when there are 1000+ pages on Facebook with boobs in the title? The counter stops at 1000, so for all I know there are hundreds of thousands. You can have a so-called profanity as your page name but not in the text of an ad?! What?!

Let's also see that the cover picture for all of the pages that come up on the front page of the search have more boob than you'll ever see breastfeeding, and the top result shows areola and a few show nipple through a sheer/wet top. But let's call the cops because I said boob and had three fully dressed women in a picture.

I resubmitted the ad, with the wording slightly changed (sans boobs) and the boost was rejected AGAIN, this time for having more than 20% of the space as text. They measure 20% VERY differently to any other company I've ever met, but that is a different story.

For the record, when I queried both rejections Facebook would only talk to me about the 20% and ignored my request for information on the rejection of the word "boobs". Thanks for that.

So I find myself in the awkward position of not being able to promote the post in the way I agreed I would for a company that I like, run by a woman who right now can't just drop everything to change a graphic. The more pressing issue of changing newborn nappies and feeding and trying to get a wink of sleep trumps all that.

Instead, I'll promote it here:

If you're in the market for some awesome maternity and breastfeeding threads from an Australian online store, head over to Milk and Love (and enter the competition through their Facebook page). When you're there you can also ask questions of Katie, a midwife and International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, or check out the blog posts and breastfeeding FAQs. Much more than just an online shop.

You go do that while I rage away at the way "boobs" are allowed on Facebook when they are for perving at, but when I try to even use the word in a breastfeeding sense and PAY for it, I get in trouble.

Bobbin’s Babyshower Day 2 - Breastmate

Breastfeeding, particularly in the first amazing newborn weeks, is not always easy. Even if you’ve got a “good sleeper” you’re up every few hours feeding and changing bub and you might take on the characteristics of a zombie. Zombie-mama doesn’t always remember which breast she fed from last or how many feeds she has given.

If you’re one of these parents then the Breastmate will become your best mate! It's the perfect breastfeeding aid with its multiple functions and features:

• Displays date and time
• Displays and records feeding time on each breast
• Highlights which breast side to start the feed from when the next feed is due
• Records a 7 day history of feeding
• Alarm function for next feed if you’re a routine mama or as a general reminder eg. medication
• Nightlight
• Colour changing room thermometer
• Interchanging face plates to coordinate to your nursery
• Docking station for ease while feeding and to charge battery
• Mains or rechargeable battery powered (batteries included) with a battery low warning signal
• USB port to download info direct to your PC. Information recorded is then displayed on a spreadsheet with graphs to highlight feeding patterns.

Now some of you might be thinking that the last one there is a bit of overkill, but if you’re worried bub is not gaining weight as quickly as he should then you can take this feeding info, add in weight and milestones and print off a report to take to your maternal health nurse to ease your worries.

I have two Breastmates for Bobbin’s Babyshower Giveaway. Win one by answering the following question in the space provided on the entry form:

“How many interchangeable faceplates are there to choose from?” (hint: the answer is here!)



Don’t forget you can enter each giveaway daily and use the share buttons to go in to the drawer to win the Shloer hamper.

See you tomorrow for another awesome prize in Bobbin’s Babyshower Giveaway.

Bobbin’s Babyshower Giveaway graphic modified from a Creative Commons image from NinaMatthews Photography

I wanna play with your boobs

This is the line I hear at least ten times a day.

Some will be surprised that the words are not uttered by my husband or even a passing pervert, but an almost three year old boy. 

Tricky weaned about two or three months ago. We were down to one very short feed most days but when Bobbin popped on the scene what supply was there dropped right off and every time he fed it would hurt. It felt exactly like feeding newborn Tricks back when I had no real clue what I was doing and lovely case of golden nipples. We returned to cracked nipple central where my toes curled every time he'd ask for milk. Something had to give.

Despite being of the "never offer, never refuse" school of thought for weaning and a supporter of full-term breastfeeding, I started offering milk in a cup more and more. Under my breath I was shouting have-your-milk-in-a-damn-cup-and-leave-my-boobs-alone. It took a week and it was all over red rover. Or red nipples. Whatever.


For thirty-two(ish?) months, my breasts were used as a source of nourishment and comfort. In the later stages they became less about nutrition and, much like the flotation devices they are, more for when the day needed to be saved. Think ass-crack-of-dawn wake ups, the occasional cranky bed time or near-meltdown for a grand total of about five times a week. So basically any time when we all needed some sleep lest we go insane. Hooray for boobies.

Breasts as a source of nourishment... kind of.

These days though? They have transformed (back) in to fun bags.

If my chest is in sight, I hear it. "I wanna play with your boobs". Usually after he has plunged his hand down my top and grabbed a fist full of flesh.

He likes to cuddle them, squeeze them and of course jiggle them. He is obsessed with breasts. And I really hope you said that with the voice of Elaine Benes from Seinfeld.

I don't quite know what to do because we have tried everything we can think of. I had been pegging all my hopes on ignoring it, saying they were not for him any more because he's a big boy, telling him they were for Bobbin now etc.

It would even appear that physically stopping him and redirecting his attention elsewhere has done nothing other than introduce him to the fact that other women also have breasts. Luckily the groping has so far been constrained to family members, but I dread the day when he just lunges at a stranger and attempts to motorboat them.

Nothing has worked so far. Nothing! 

So help me, dear reader, what do I do?  Do I leave it and hope it is just his way of saying so-long to his old pals, or do I put my foot down? If you have any toddler weaning advice for me, my oft grabbed breasts would very much appreciate it.

Talking about my boobs again

So guess who got another writing job?! Thanks blawg!

I am super excited to announce that I’ll be sharing a few of my breastfeeding stories at the how2breastfeed website in the coming months! I have a lot of feeding stories – when you feed for this long that’s what happens. I see this as a massive win/win situation - I can pass on the knowledge I’ve gained to those who might need a bit of a hand and I get another forum to talk about my boobs in! HOORAY!

I thought I’d prepared for breastfeeding as much as possible by researching everything while I was pregnant. I figured that in the sleepless few weeks of new parenthood I wouldn’t know my ass from my elbow so best get as much info as I could before that happened. 

The start of my breastfeeding journey (because you always have to use the word journey) was shaky. All the books I’ve read, all the midwives and all the lactation consultants I’ve ever had experience with told me “if he’s latched on properly, it won’t hurt”.

I have one word for you. Bullshit. That's not always the case.

My nipples obviously did not get that memo. You know why? Because I was busy being filled with conflicting information about how long I should leave Tricky to feed as a newborn. It seemed every book, and every specialist had a different set of "rules".

My midwife told me to leave Tricky to nurse an hour, which did turn out to be true for us ONCE MY MILK CAME IN. It was definitely not the way to go when all I had was colostrum. Her advice (based on the fact that she assumed Tricky was five days old rather than 12 hours old) led to some rather nasty damage and a truck load of pain despite the fact he had latched on well.

With a start like that I sometimes wonder how on earth we managed to come this far. Then I remember I’m stubborn and have been known to take on proving people’s assumptions of me wrong as a bit of a hobby.

Was he really ever this small?

But even with my arsenal of knowledge, I still felt like I needed someone to tell me I was doing OK, to answer my questions and assure me it would get easier. I would have loved to have the how2breastfeed DVD. I would have watched it at 2am when I was awake with a starving baby who was screaming the house down as I figured out how exactly I was meant to hold him.

Hold his neck not his head? What? Won't that hurt him?! GAH someone just tell me what to do!

To see real mums, watch them feed, hear their stories and know that it does get better, right in your own lounge room... worth it’s weight in gold.

Did you have a shaky start to breastfeeding?  Where did you get your support from?

This post is not a standard sponsored post, but is part of my ongoing work for how2breastfeed which is a paid position.

The other 1% - Fullterm breastfeeding

On Friday, a good friend in my mothers' group asked if I'd see the cover of Time Magazine with the woman breastfeeding on the cover.

I hadn't, so she described it to me. A woman, standing up, with her almost four year old child at her breast while he stood on a stool in front of her.

Associated Press / May 11, 2012

She found it a bit icky. And that's OK. I'm in the glorious position of being a supportive and diverse mothers' group where just because we have different stories and different ideals doesn't mean we one-up and think our way is best. We have breastfeeders, bottle feeders, caesarian births, vaginal births, epidural births and drug free birthss. Between us we have eight beautiful kids; day care kids, grandparent care kids, dairy free kids, nut free kids, shy kids and outgoing kids. It's a mish mash microcosm of society in one little group. It's perfect. Bit I digress.

Back to the photo. It's a rather provocative cover. I expect it rubs a few people the wrong way because in our rather sheltered culture it's not common to see women breastfeeding their older children. I wonder how much of that is because the child doesn't take much milk any more and it's less likely to happen outside the home, and how much of it is because those who do feed their older child feel the stares of passersby and hide away for fear of comments?

The photo doesn't bother me. But I'm slightly crunchy and have been around full term feeders at the ABA, so I understand I'm biased.
 
Some of the very vocal backlash to the photo (including it being taken of stands in some supermarkets) has been because the woman is wearing tight, sexy clothes (yes, jeans, a singlet and ballet flats are totes sexy)... because obviously anyone breastfeeding should automatically become asexual. Surely she should be wearing frumpy maternity clothing with bows on it? Newsflash: breastfeeding doesn't stop you being a sexual person - see those people with two children breastfeeding? Or pregnant and breastfeeding? OMG THEY HAD SEX! 

Other comments have been centred around the look to camera... because shouldn't they be looking adoringly in to each others eyes if it's genuine bonding and not some debauched sexual act? Newsflash: I've not seen a child stare in to it's mother's eyes while feeding much past the six month mark where the world suddenly gets really interesting. Tricky looks anywhere but at me unless he's really tired.

In Australia (according to the ABS), by age two, only 1% of children are receiving breastmilk. In less than a month, all things remaining equal, Tricky will fall in to that 1%.

I think I deserve to get some sort of prize for breastfeeding this long. Like a boob shaped trophy or something. Or at least a nice, new bra.

When the majority of people find out I'm still feeding the Trickster they looked surprised. Then, inevitably, the very first question is "when are you going to wean him?". I don't see how it's anyone else's business, really, but depending on my mood I'll either answer "when he's ready" or "when he's 17, because feeding an 18 year old would be TOTALLY GROSS!".

When I was pregnant, my goal was to feed for twelve months. That was quickly reassessed to "please let me feed til three months" when nipple thrush and a staph infection (yes, in MY NIPPLE!) had me in tears every hourly feed (yes, HOURLY!).

But through perseverance, education and a lot of fear of failure stubbornness, I got there. And then some.

So here I am feeding a (not quite) two year old. It is very different to feeding a newborn, and it's very different to feeding a twelve month old.

He feeds every morning when he wakes up which guarantees me an extra half hour to an hour of sleep as he lays there, dozing on and off at my breast. An hour is a long time at 4:00am when you're sleep deprived.

Sometimes he'll feed after a nap, and he gets free reign if he's sick, both for the comfort and to keep his fluids up. Recently when he was unwell and he was refusing food and water, he would breastfeed and I knew he was at least getting something.

He will pull away from one side and ask for "More milk?" before latching on to the other side. I wonder if it tastes different?

I understand that some people think it's weird, and that if a child can ask for milk then they're too old to have it... Tricky, thanks to baby sign language, has been able to ask for milk since he was six months old. Should I have weaned him then?

I don't know when we'll wean. There's been a few times when I thought it was the end of our journey, like when I was going away to conferences, and savoured the closeness of our "last feed", only to have him eagerly return to the breast as if nothing had happened.

For now, I'll relish the fleeting moments we have together... and quietly revel in my ability to provoke awkward looks from others.

Did the Time cover make you squirm? Why? Why not?
All opinions are welcome here, but please be respectful.

5 things not to say to a parent (and by parent I actually mean me)

The pants are out again! Can I get a woot woot?

When my parenting skills are called in to question I can go from zero to Cranky in 1.39 seconds. A quick glance at the news will show you children who aren't being cared for properly and you're going to tut tut at me based on the fact that there is some dried weetbix spot welded to the side of my kid's face? Priorities, people!

Prepare for rant in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....

Five things not to say to a parent

(and by a parent I quite obviously mean me)

1. You made your son a toy kitchen? But he's a boy...
Really? You're that narrow minded that you're going to feel awkward when my son pretends to cook? A dude can't enjoy cooking? Are you afraid I'm going to feminize him, is that it? Geez, you're gonna totally flip when I show you his Jemima doll and pink teddy. Take your archaic views and fuck off.

2. Oh you're still breastfeeding? Umm, errr, that's, ummm, great... you're gonna stop soon though, right? I mean, it's not beneficial anymore.
Not beneficial? Tricky's needed medication for a cold ONCE in almost two years. Plus I can comfort him instantly when he's hurt, and manage an extra hour of precious sleep every morning thanks to continuing. Besides that, what's it to you? Pretty sure the decision to wean my child has absolutely nothing to do with you. If I want to feed him until he graduates highschool, I will.

3. You don't let your kid eat chips, yet you eat them in front of him? You're so cruel!
Is it also cruel that I drive a car in front of him and don't allow him to take the wheel? That I cook and bake with sharp knives and a hot oven yet don't let him near them? No. I'm the adult, he's the child, he doesn't have to do everything I do. Therefore your reasoning is bullshit and I'm not listening to you.

4. He doesn't talk much... he's lazy.
Lazy? LAZY? Toddler and lazy do not belong in the same sentence. We have gone from a deformity that has the potential to cause developmental delays to a kid hitting milestones just fine and 'normal'. I can't even begin to tell you how awesome that is. Just because he isn't doing the exact same thing at the exact same time as you/your kid/his dad/his second fucking cousin doesn't mean anything. Kids do things when they're ready.

5. He's very skinny... what are you feeding him?
A range of nutritious, home prepared meals, thanks for insinuating asking. This child is eating us out of house and home before the age of two, I dare not think of how it will be when he is a teenager, but it's likely we'll have to take out a second mortgage. He is a clone of his string bean father, blame his long, lean frame on genetics not the fact that he doesn't get junk food. Does he look healthy? Is he running around constantly? He's fine.

What is the one thing someone can say about you/your parenting that instantly makes your blood boil?

Get your shit together

I really need to get my shit together, I'm 30 now, no excuses.

In the last few weeks days I've gone totally emo. I've been eating everything in sight and taking mopey, arty farty self-portraits. I've even been posting attention seeking, pathetic tweets in the hope that someone would say "you're not a completely worthless person". I phished for compliments... I hate it when people do that. Loathe it. Get over yourself, I think, see a bloody therapist and stop filling up my Twitter stream with your emo ramblings.

I am nothing if not a grade A hypocrite.

I am extroverted, in the true sense of the word. It doesn't necessarily mean a bright and bubbly, outgoing person, though I can be (Oscar worthy acting, remember? Meryl Streep took lessons from me), it means I rely on the energy of those around me. Being alone with my thoughts sends me in to a tailspin. I don't like my own company, never have. Perhaps it's why when I retreat, it's to Twitter... you're never alone when you have Twitter (spoken like a true geek).

I don't just take on the positive energy of those around me, but the negative as well. I soak in their emotions, like a warm bath, until I'm pruney, overwhelmed and feeling utterly hopeless. Their issues become my problems. Their loss becomes my heartache. Their desperation becomes my depression.

Part of myself that I hate, is the inability to compartmentalize and differentiate between myself and others. I don't just take on someone's emotions but I take on their personality as well. If I'm around you long enough, I start being you. That freaks the fuck out of a lot of people (not that I blame them, it would freak me out too), so, as a result, I keep my distance. Which means I'm back to my own, warped thoughts to keep me company.

It's a morose not-so-merry-go-round of trying to be near people then running away so I don't get too close. A tightrope balancing act that I'm yet to master, and there's no bloody net underneath to catch me. I'm sure there's a few more circus metaphors in there but I can't think of them right now.

Alcohol and twitter have become my crutch. Don't like your own thoughts? Go and read someone elses or drink until your own thoughts slur and you can no longer understand them. My saving grace is that Tricky is still breastfeeding and I know he'll be awake and wanting milk bright and early the next morning... but it kinda freaks me out that that is the only thing stopping me from completely annihilating myself some nights.

I've been actively encouraging him to wean lately, and it's partly so I can have my body back and put in it whatever I want, whenever I want to excessive levels. Who does that? Seriously. Sorry, kid, you can't have this nutritious, antibody filled liquid gold any more cos mama needs to get trashed.

So no, I don't have my shit together, not by a long shot. But, if I put edible glitter in my wine, then at least my shit sparkles. I'm like a goddamn unicorn or something.

 

Don't panic. Tomorrow I'll post a recipe and we can forget this ever happened. As you were.

I Don't Heart My Body... So I Posed Naked On The Internet

Last year when the I {heart} My Body campaign was run by We {Heart} Life I put up a pregnant belly shot. I had a new found sense of love and respect for my body after it had grown Tricky, managed to birth him and was continuing to nourish him.

When considering linking up this year I starting freaking out. I felt ashamed of my body and wanted to run away and hide. Lots of old feelings came flooding back from when I was a lot heavier, followed by memories of when I was a lot lighter. The anxiety was suffocating. It's hard to love your body when it doesn't work, when it always hurts and lets you down.

I wonder what it would take for so many years of body issues and eating problems to be left behind? Weight loss? More therapy? A health scare perhaps? I need something to shock me in to taking it seriously, to stop cramming junk in to my mouth in an effort to squash down the anxiety and the only thing I can think of that I can do right at this moment is to pose naked on the internet.

So I did. 

With a strategically placed breastfeeding toddler.

Naked... on the internet... forever

I love my breasts. They are still nourishing and comforting Tricky as we near the 18 month mark. They are a lot closer to the ground and even more pendulous than ever as a 14 F (F for Faaaaar Out They're Huuuuge!). They most definitely fail the pencil test... hell, they'd fail the pencil case test... but they are amazing.

My little Koala holding on

I love my lips. They are big, pouty and good for kissing. Some people think they've been enhanced but it's actually scar tissue from splitting my lip open as six year old. Sometimes falling on your face can be good for you, you know?

Killer curves

I love my hair. I'm not sure if that counts as body but I'm going to go with it. It does what I want it to do most of the time and tends to look nice no matter what colour it is. It's incredibly thick to the point where hairdressers charge me extra because they have to use so much more product and blowdrying it takes forever.

So there it is. There I am. In all my naked Glowy glory. I'm half shit scared and half empowered... oh man what have I done?

Would you pose naked on the internet?

 

EDIT: There has been such wonderful feedback from this post and only one negative commenter via Facebook. So I feel the need to add that I didn't do this so men (or women) would leave me comments saying I'm hot... in fact the possibility that some immature person would happen upon this from a search and leave a snarky comment filled me with trepidation (it's happened on my youtube page before so I know it could happen here) and I considered turning comments off . I did this to embrace my body for what it is and to come to the realization that MY BODY IS AMAZING. Look at all it has done and continues to do. It may be broken, but the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. I AM BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Embrace it. Learn to love it, learn to heart it... just like I am.

EDIT2.0: Thank you to all the people who have supported me on the Mum's Lounge Facebook page where the original negative comments were posted. In particular Jolene from Mum's Lounge who promoted the post in the first place and was very quick to defend both the I Heart My Body movement and my participation in it. I am, as always, amazed at the support this online community shows its members.

Natural Transition - Plus FREE Hugalugs!

I have said before that I'm a daisy chain away from being a full blown hippy what with my drug free birthing, breastfeeding, home cookin' shenanigans. I embrace my inner Crunchy Mama and for the purposes of wearing that crown, ignore all the meat and processed food I eat.

So when Julie from Natural Transition kindly offered to help me get to Blogopolis I thought it was a really good fit since her site is a resource for all things natural pregnancy and birth related. I actually offered to get a Natural Transition tattoo on my forehead for the conference yet strangely enough Julie declined. Can you believe it? Weird.

Julie is a Sydney based naturopath, breastfeeding counsellor and natural fertility consultant and her Natural Transition website is an amazing resource full of information on everything baby related; from fertility, pregnancy, birth to breastfeeding and more... and it's all FREE! And we know how much I like free things.

Julie is obviously doing something right because she's a finalist in the Bio-Oil Ausmumpreneur awards in the Eco Friendly Business category for her Natural Transition shop and in the People's Choice Best Blog category. The first one is judged by a panel interview (aargh!!) but the second one is a vote, so if you've got a tick, you can go here and click the pink like button down the bottom.

I checked out the shop and here are a few things that I wanna get my hands on:

I used reusable nursing pads when Tricky was feeding round the clock and I was on Dairy Duties, but they were plain and boring pastel colours. I wish I had these! Hooters for your hooters! Huzzah!

Cheeky Bits Boutique Nursing Pads $8.00

I'm a massive babywearing advocate and I own three different types of carriers. The one that I used the most was my Hug-A-Bub. But I want a black one so I can wear it clubbing I can mix and match with my outfits because I'm terribly vain!

Black Hug-A-Bub $125.00

Now this I have just ordered. Nappy bucket deodorizers! We've been cloth nappying for 14 months now, you'd think I would have learned to hold my breath when I open the bucket. Even washing daily as I do, the ammonia smacks you in the face when you open the bucket. These babies are bamboo charcoal and absorb odours!

Pure Bamboo Nappy Bucket Deodorizer $7.95

I was a skeptic of baby legwarmers until I was given a pair recently and now I love them. They're really funky and a great way of showing off Tricky's awesome cloth nappies too! These are so freakin cool but I can't choose between skull and cross bones and stripey. Hrm bad ass or rainbow child?.

Hugalugs Leg Huggers $10.00 or FREE with a GlowJob!

If you need anything fertility, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding or mamahood related, be it advice, information or a product, then head over and check out Natural Transition. Right now she's offering a FREE pair of Hugalugs legwarmers with any purchase if you mention GLOWJOB at the checkout. You even get to choose what design you want, how cool is that?

So head over now and grab something for yourself or for a friend.