Speaking of comments, everyone loves them. They are a blogger's crack, their life force, the cream in their coffee and however else you care to describe it. There isn't a week that goes by without hearing someone complain about the lack of them in an effort to get more. If only getting more money was as easy as complaining about it.
So, without further ado, I bring you the next, highly anticipated installment of Why I Don't with an added original, personalized button featuring a particularly nice male bottom, which may or may not belong to Map Guy, wearing a pair of very un-cranky pants in a lame attempt at irony (who could be cranky in licorice all sorts undies?). Please note some of these points fall in to the "it's not you, it's me" category... but most don't.
Why I Don't Comment On Your Blog
1. Everyone else has already said everything worthwhile, or said what I'd like to say but in such an amazing, well written, poetic way, that writing "You're so funny" / "Hope you feel better" / "Thinking of you" just makes me look kinda sad and pathetic.
2. I feel like a douche saying (((hugs))) and everyone else already said onomatopoeia. If I can't add something of value to a conversation I often don't.
3. You fall in to three or more of the categories from Why I Don't Read Your Blog... if I'm not reading, well it's just natural to assume that is why I don't comment, yes? However feel free to think it's another one of the nine reasons, whatever makes you feel better.
4. I'm on my iPad and two finger typing really shits me. Considering I read 90% of blogs when I'm in bed this is why my comments have dropped off dramatically lately, it's such a first world problem. Your post has to be amazing for me to stab out a comment that I can't arrow back through (WTF Apple? An arrow key would be nice next time!) if I've made a mistake.
5. Your post is of the whiney, attention seeking variety. We ALL write emo posts, and that's just fine and dandy. Sometimes we need to get things off our chest to process them and writing them out to the blogosphere is the only way we can do it. But if most of your posts are obviously of a 'pity me', 'nobody likes me so I'm going to stop blogging' or passive aggressive nature with the underlying intention to see how many people will comment... nup. Get over yourself or see a therapist to find out ways to build your self esteem.
6. Your comment box has a captcha. Is that an I or an l? A particularly warped C or an E? I cannot read those curly bastards and if it takes more than two tries to get it to go through then I just give up. Spam filters take up most of the crap anyway, you don't NEED captchas. Most captcha comment boxes also require at least three different clicks of the 'publish comment' button - I was sure the first time I pressed it, don't make me do it more.
7. Your "click to comment" button is at the top of your post. Now I'm not sure how you read, but I tend to go from top to bottom... If I can't see where to comment immediately then you have to have written something earth shattering to get my comment. I'm time poor and lazy, basically. Also if your comment button doesn't have the word comment in it, how am I meant to know where the hell to click???
8. You have comment moderation on. What are other people saying about this post? Comments are about conversation not just with you, but with others too and I'd like to know without having to check back three days later to see what you've approved. If you've got moderation on it's like it is just you and I talking and really, that is what the phone is for, it's the anti-blog.
9. I am so incensed by your idiotic, misinformed post full of "facts" that you grabbed from the latest current affairs show that a novel length rant about how much of a narrow minded imbecile you are would be the only appropriate response. Since I don't have the time nor inclination to write something that long or directly offensive, I instead quickly introduce my forehead to my desk and click away.
10. You have right-click disabled on your blog which means if I make a typo I can't go back and fix it unless I delete my way back (and no, I can't just let it slide, I will definitely not let a comment go up with a known typo). If the error is at the beginning there is Buckley's chance I will delete it all and start again or copy and paste it in to word and then back. Too. Much. Effort.
Why don't you comment?
P.S. So many of you are going to say Disqus and that's cool. Say it. People hate it but I like it so it will stay, so you can stop yelling at me about it now and please stop sending me passive aggressive emails saying you're unfollowing when you could just not comment like 99% of readers. However feel free to keep hating it, last time I checked I wasn't holding a gun to your head forcing you to use it.