Thursday, April 7, 2011

Jinxed It


Have you ever written a post about the one thing you’d hate to see happen, then it’s happened and you’ve felt like you’ve caused it? Just by thinking about it?

When I asked this same question on Twitter, Tiff from Three Ring Circus was quick to answer in the affirmative, feeling like she'd jinxed Ivy's health at times by writing about how well she was doing.

Today I’ve been writing some posts to go up next week when my Dad has his heart surgery, thinking that I probably won’t feel like doing too much. I was writing about how we’re all understandably anxious and how I’m particularly worried the infection he has (from a frickin boil) will spread and that, at the eleventh hour, they will cancel his surgery.

I’d not long written those words when my Mum called...

A chest infection.

More antibiotics.

Surgery in doubt.

I know I didn’t cause this. I know my words have no impact on the world; that I’m not some fanciful omnipotent being who can write something and make it happen. Yet there is still that tiny little voice, at the farthest edge of my conscious that says I shouldn’t have written it. I should have just stayed quiet and this wouldn’t have happened.

He needs this surgery. He’s had to wait a month longer than they wanted him to because of scheduling conflicts. The conflict being the surgeon was going to Rotto for a holiday and didn’t want to pass the surgery to someone else. I’d call him a heartless bastard but if I’m not nice to that guy I’m afraid it will be my dad who will be the heartless one.

In this one, incredibly long, slow month I’ve watched him deteriorate from a man who was just a bit tired to one who sleeps most of the day and spends his nights on CPAP.

I have tried to spend as much time with him as possible but he stays away when he’s at his worst. Not wanting to be a burden. But all I want is to be near him; to drink in the joy of him and Tricky playing together; to help him sit down when he has one of his ‘turns’ and his heart races and he can’t breathe; to just be with him.

I’m worried his body is shutting down. He’s been on hardcore antibiotics and had penicillin injections all this week to try and knock the small infection yet he’s developed a bigger one.

I’m worried they won’t do the surgery.

I’m worried he won’t make it out of surgery.

I thought I was OK with it, this circle of life.

I thought I was learning to accept that these things happen, and to enjoy every day like it was your last because it just might be.

But I’m not.

I’m just a scared little girl who wants her Daddy to be better.

 
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28 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to read this :( Really hope the infection clears and the surgery goes ahead as scheduled. Dads are amazing people, and it sounds like you are truly blessed in yours.

    I'm terrified of the jinx. I know it's a bit silly too, but I totally understand what you're saying. I never put in writing exactly where my hub is going (truckie) because I have an insane fear that if I do something will happen. Daft, but there you have it.

    Blessings to you and to your Dad, such a stressful time :(

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  2. You don't want me to talk to you about the Law of Attraction, do you? Thoughts become things, make yours good ones - that little gem is from Mike Dooley.

    I hope your dad's infection clears up and he is able to have his surgery and he is well again in no time....

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  3. Oh how funny (but not in a haha way) that you write this. I wrote a couple of chapters of fiction and then put it on my blog. It had bouts of hospital in it etc. Then not long after, spent time in hospital kind of true to my story. Freaked me out. Perhaps I just need to add a little chapter of when we won Oz Lotto??

    And all the best for your dad. He'll be fine, it was nothing you did gorgeous xx

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  4. Aww Glowless.
    Sending you and your family big cuddles & my every thought and prayer is with you all.

    x

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  5. for you and all your family i will keep glowless' daddy, tricky's beloved grandaddy in my thoughts. make the most of every moment. he will pull through because he has too...

    (((hugs)))

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  6. Ouch, that really sucks. I really hope that your Dad responds to the antibiotics and gets to have his surgery. I'd imagine that as nervous as you are about it all, that you want your Dad to be around for a while yet for Tricky as much as yourself. My MIL was pretty sick at the beginning of the year, and while we don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, I want her to be around so that she is able to have some sort of relationship with her grandchildren (at present, Seagull and Wombat are her only grandchildren) that they will remember.

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  7. Oh my lovely girl.. Come here.. For a big hug!!! You are indeed nothing like the cause or the jinks... But in saying that , every little thing "points" to it when we are so scared and vulnerable. It can be frightening and helpless as you watch, wonder and wait.
    But no, you had nothing to do with it. No person or situation or anything like that.
    Your dad.... By his genetic make-up has this illness .... It tears you all apart I know.
    Please continue to be the lovely & loving daughter you are... And bringing the joy of your boy to share moments with Dad.
    Just hoping again that Dad will be deemed ok for the surgery .... And then at least he has had the needed intervention..... Keeping everything crossed for this to occur soon as practicable. Lots of love D xxx

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  8. hey, if all the negative things I'd thought about him over the years even came near to coming true he wouldn't be around to be having heart failure! So don't beat yourself up.

    I don't always get on with him, but I have had a lot more patience for him lately and I do hope he stays healthy to be a good grandfather to Tricky. It's lovely seeing the bond they have developed. I could not believe yesterday when Tricky wanted to go to him when he was all tired and grumpy and not you...!

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  9. Sending big love to you & your family x

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  10. Oh sweetheart, my heart breaks for you. From one Daddy's girl (who nearly lost him to a massive heart attack) to another, I truly understand how you feel. Plus I am also of the ilk who feel I must have untapped super powers who can jinx herself too. My husband (sane man that he is) always looks at me and says "if only you were that powerful, you'd surely use it for good wouldnt you??"

    Anyway, thinking of you, hearing you, and wishing you some peace in this soon xx

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  11. Of course you want your daddy to get better....and what is also natural in these situations is to try and find someone to blame, or find some way to make sense of situations that often have no rational sense to them. Do try and stay positive, but also know that there are some things we have no control over, even if we think we did! Wishing you all the best of wishes.

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  12. I hope the infection clears up soon and that he has the surgery soon. xxx

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  13. Sorry to hear about your Dad, I hope he gets the surgery soon.

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  14. You haven't jinxed things at all. Unfortunately these things happen and it sucks. I don't think anything can ever prepare you for the thought of losing someone you love, and when you are confronted with the fact that your parents are not in fact invincible, it is a huge slap in the face. I have to say that I am appalled by the surgeon's scheduling of your Dad's surgery. If it is that important that he does it rather than passing him onto another surgeon, he should have postponed his holiday by a day and performed the surgery, not leaving your Dad the way he is.
    I hope your Dad's infection clears up very quickly, and it that it won't be long until he is recovering from successful surgery.

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  15. You haven't jinxed things at all. Unfortunately these things happen and it sucks. I don't think anything can ever prepare you for the thought of losing someone you love, and when you are confronted with the fact that your parents are not in fact invincible, it is a huge slap in the face. I have to say that I am appalled by the surgeon's scheduling of your Dad's surgery. If it is that important that he does it rather than passing him onto another surgeon, he should have postponed his holiday by a day and performed the surgery, not leaving your Dad the way he is.
    I hope your Dad's infection clears up very quickly, and it that it won't be long until he is recovering from successful surgery.

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  16. Oh, darling Glowy. I have tears in my eyes looking at your Dad with Tricky. What a glorious photo.

    I've been sitting staring at the blinking (literally) cursor for the longest time. I want to say something pithy, comforting, positive, worthy... But all I got was - "sending love to you and your Dad". Cos I truly am. xxxx

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  17. You haven't jinxed things at all. Unfortunately these things happen and it sucks. I don't think anything can ever prepare you for the thought of losing someone you love, and when you are confronted with the fact that your parents are not in fact invincible, it is a huge slap in the face. I have to say that I am appalled by the surgeon's scheduling of your Dad's surgery. If it is that important that he does it rather than passing him onto another surgeon, he should have postponed his holiday by a day and performed the surgery, not leaving your Dad the way he is.
    I hope your Dad's infection clears up very quickly, and it that it won't be long until he is recovering from successful surgery.

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  18. that is tough news for you, wishing you good healthy vibes, and that the infection will right itself very soon

    I am sure there will be lots of ups and downs for you with this,, sometimes you will feel acceptance and others days you might not...

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  19. Sending thoughts of good health for your dad and love to you and your family.
    I am hoping this infection just disappears and lets your dad get the surgery he so badly needs.

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  20. whiningattheworldApril 8, 2011 at 12:17 PM

    I hope your Dad's operation isn't delayed and it goes well.

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  21. I totally get this. I think this way sometimes and it does NO ONE any good.

    But it is what it is.

    Love you sweetie and I will be thinking of you and your Daddy. x

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  22. Oh love, you must be so worried :( I hope that the antibiotics kick arse & your Dad can still have his surgery as scheduled.

    I hear you about the jinx thing, I tend to lean the other way, hoping that if I speak my fears out loud, that will stop them from happening - but really I don't think it makes a difference. If anything I think your thoughts came from your intuition, a knowing you have from your connection with your Dad.

    Sending love and thoughts & keeping everything crossed that all will be okay.

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  23. :'( *virtual hug babe*. This ain't your fault. I'm sure you and Tricky being there for him means the world. You are so strong. Bless you.

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  24. hoping the infection clears up and that the surgery goes ahead uncomplicated and with a swift recovery my sweet.

    ~x~

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  25. Think positive thoughts, Glowless.
    I really hope everything turns out as you wish. Take care. xx

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  26. My very best wishes that your Dad will pull through and recover quickly.

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