Top 20 Christmas Presents for Hard To Buy For People

Do you have someone in your life who is hard to buy for? I do. I am married to him.

He's in to lots of things; tech, cycling, maps (duh), martial arts, gaming, and more... but in a way that he would want something VERY specific and I would likely buy the wrong thing. So I can never surprise him with something within those categories.

I've put together a list of awesome Christmas presents for the Hard To Buy For Person in your life:

1. Tile Sport
Do you know someone who loses everything? The Tile is such a cool little device that will play a little tune when you tell it to with an app on your phone. I was lucky enough to be gifted one and it really is very cool. I love that you can also find your phone with it if you press the tile - it makes your phone ring even if it is on silent!

2. Indoor Skydiving
I've done this (read about it here) and it is A-MA-ZING. Perfect for those who are not quite adrenaline junkies, but up for a bit of an adventure. It is much cheaper than proper skydiving, and you can be young or old. Everything is provided including training, flight suits and helmets.

3. Cooking Class
Depending on who it is, this could be an insult, so just be careful! MG loves to cook and is very good at it, so when I gave him a voucher for this he was very excited. There are lots of different cuisines to choose from, and they hold kids classes too.

4. Exploding Kittens Card Game
No kittens were harmed in the making of this card game. Are you buying for someone who likes The Oatmeal and has a crazy sense of humour? Exploding Kittens ticks those boxes. Play the Cheetah Bum card or the Thousand Year Old Back Hair card, and try not to explode.

5. End Poverty
I've always loved giving Oxfam cards for Christmas because it's not just a card, it's a donation that goes towards helping fight poverty. They do good for the world and they are hilarious. Win Win.

6. Awesome Lunchbox
If you follow me on Instagram (and why wouldn't you?) you'll know I love a good lunchbox. Adults need lunchboxes too, y'all, and I can totally recommend the Yumbox Tapas from Little Bento World. It's big enough for a full sized lunch and some snacks for your day. Don't let the kids have all the fun.

7. Float 
Perfect for stressed out peeps, a float in an isolation tank with warm water, piped music and low lights could be just what they need. I've floated twice and found it very bizarre but amazing at the same time. You cannot sink because of the magnesium salts, so it requires no effort and you feel weightless.

8. Beard Bib
Now this is a sneaky "for him" present that will also help whoever is in charge of cleaning the bathroom. This ace beard bib hangs on the mirror and secures around the neck, catching all the little beardy trimmings. I am pro beard, but anti beardy trimmings all over the bloody sink. This thing rocks.

9. Ugly Christmas Rashie
These things are awesome! I have always been a bit jealous of the Ugly Christmas Sweaters in the cold climates, so I was chuffed when these rashies came out. There are two designs this year and again, proceeds go to the Cancer Council.

10. Food Safari
The Leederville Food Safari is the ultimate in progressive dinners. It's a three course tour de force of the suburb's most exclusive eateries and restaurants. What makes it so cool? You travel by rickshaw between venues. Hot nights with the cool breeze in your hair as someone other than you pedals along. Delicious and

11. Coravin Screw Cap Attachment
If you know someone who drinks fancy pants wine and already has a Coravin Wine System, you could get the screw cap attachment for them so they can be just as fancy with screw cap wine as they are with corked wine. Or if you are willing to spend a shed load of money you could get the original system for them. It means you can drink one class at a time and the rest won't go yuck. But I kinda don't understand this one glass at a time bizzo.

12. Sweary Stuff
I am a lady who says fuck a lot. So is Cate Bolt. She's the first to tell you her stuff isn't art, it's "sarcasm draped in fabric". Her stuff is great and everything goes to her orphanage where she saves girls from sex trafficking and slavery. So if you know someone with a big heart who likes to say fuck a lot, this is your perfect online shop.

13. Map of the Stars
I don't mean a tourist map showing you where the celebrities live, I mean a map of the night sky on a particular date and time. You could have your wedding, the day they were born, or any other significant date for them, and voila, an image of what the sky looked like that night. Perfect for astronomy nerds.

14. A night at Crown Towers
This is great for anyone you are willing to spend the night with because of course you want them to take you! It could work for some awesome child free time for a couple, or a girls night out. The complex is huge and there is always something on, or you could hang by the pool and order cocktails.

15. Merry Movies
If you hadn't guessed by now, I am a fan of giving experiences as gifts. But that doesn't mean you have to spend a fortune. These themed Merry Movies gift cards from Event Cinemas start at $25. Super cute designs including Coco (OMG death positivity in Pixar form!), The Last Jedi, plus the ones you see below.

16. Golf Lessons
From beginners through to advanced, if you have a Golf obsessed person in your life send them to lessons. Whether they have only ever played mini golf or they are wanna be pros, everyone can learn something from professional lessons.

17. Tea for Two
Know a tea lover? Then head to T2 and you are sure to find the perfect gift. I adore the Tea for Two set because it's nice to share tea out of a beautiful pot and gorgeous cups. Whether it is plain ol' tea or something more fancy and hipster, you'll find it there.

18. Dinner and Drinks
Head to the brand new Whitfords Brewing Company for alfresco dining and a wide range of national and international beers. With regular specials, food events and fun entertainment going on in the complex, there is something for everyone - even the kids if you have to bring them.

19. Amazing Skin
Is your Hard To Buy For person is a skin care junkie? Or are they always complaining about something to do with their skin? For the right person, a gift voucher to Skin Resus would be brilliant. I had IPL photorejuvenation and wrinkle relaxers (click the link for my before and after videos). Full disclosure: I loved it so much I work there now!

20. Gifts for Peace
Buy food for a refugee family. Education for a refugee. Safe midwifery kits. Train a teacher. Support a refugee with a disability. Restore a well. There are so many things to choose from, you will find one that will resonate with who you are thinking of. And you will make a difference!

Are you hard to buy for?

The 2015 #GlowHoliday has been decided

MapGuy is itching to go on holiday.

Every day he checks out the discount websites, the deals, travel blogs and more. He has racked up long service leave, so there are all these luscious paid weeks of holidays hanging tantalizingly over his head saying "Go on a little trip. You've worked hard. Go on, mate, you've earned it".

I'm a little less eager, purely because I'm a bit anxious about flying right now. I know statistically it's safer than driving my car, but with all the stuff in the news lately; hijackings, missing planes, crashes, homicidal co-pilots and what not, I'm a bit nervous. I'm not usually afraid to fly, so this is a bit of a foreign feeling for me. I keep telling myself that if we die, well, we all cark it together. Strangely, there is comfort in that for me.

Despite the anxiety (hello, Valium), It's a great time for us to go on a trip, because we don't have to pay for Bobbin's flights or accommodation. Score. We did the same thing when Tricks was just about to turn two. Related: um, my baby is almost two. Whut?

We considered going two weeks in the snow, because MG's never seen snow before, but that idea was quickly quashed thanks to fabulous advice (along the lines of COLD, WET, WHINGEY CHILDREN AND HOLIDAYS NO NOT MIX), and very helpful tips on the WMG Facebook page. Thanks, people!

I wasn't fussed on the destination, because wherever we go will be fun, so I left him to book it and surprise me. He almost booked a trip to Bali. Then he almost booked a trip to Canberra with a day trip to the snow (because I could handle the cold/wet/whingey trifecta for a few hours). Then he almost booked a fly drive holiday up the East coast.

But after much to and fro, a decision was made and MapGuy woke me at midnight to tell me the news. There are only a few instances where waking me is acceptable: If the house is on fire, if someone is dying, if we're being robbed, or if it's to tell me we're going on an INTERNATIONAL HOLIDAY in July.

Destination: Malaysia!

We are going to Kuala Lumpur for ten days, hitting up all the tourist things and then making the journey here:

OMFG LEGOLAND! I don't know who is more excited. Me, Tricky or Map Guy. Bobbin has no clue but keeps clapping and shouting hooray whenever Tricks does. Only one day of the trip will be spent there (because it's a four hour bus ride away), but already I'm pegging it as the highlight of the trip. Because LEGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you have any suggestions of things we should see or do in KL in July, hit me up! Now, to get a passport for the little one and reread those flying safety statistics.

Happy to be a Sunday Driver this Easter

This little family of mine is quite used to the long weekend road trip. A few times a year we load up the car and trek the 400km or so from Perth to Albany to visit Map Guy’s family and childhood friends.

Every time we make the journey, without fail, we see some dickhead overtake a truck or a caravan and make it back in to their own lane with only a second to spare. Or a hoon overtake us at 150km/h as we sit on the speed limit. The amount of near-misses I’ve seen is staggering. What’s the hurry?

This weekend was no different. One particular incident, right on dusk when then Roos are out in force involved a sedan overtaking a 4x4 towing a caravan and required the 4x4, the overtaking car and the oncoming car to slam on their brakes to avoid a head on collision. A head on collision where all parties were going over 110km/h.

And I just don’t get it.

I abhor the long drive to Albany just as much as the next person and this weekend it took us just over six hours thanks to the three million caravans and trucks. Sitting in one position for an extended period of time means all my muscles seize up and cramp so it quite literally is a pain in the ass for me. Add a toddler, a million requests for snacks, three thousand repetitions of the alphabet song and wheels on the bus (which lose their cute factor after the first dozen or so) and a farting dog and I’m well and truly over it and working out how to budget the exorbitant airfare in to our next trip down after the first hour or two. I’d love to get there quicker too, but at what cost? And I’m not talking about budgets any more.

There are a number of memorials that line the highway; bright white crosses rising from the red dirt as stark reminders of those who didn’t make it home. Throughout the year some are adorned with flowers, others with birthday balloons, celebrating the life of someone who will not be blowing out any more candles. At one spot, four crosses are clustered together with a fifth off to the side. I get shivers up my spine every time I pass it and wonder who those four people were. Friends on a road trip? A family? Were the children grown up or were they Tricky's age? Whoever they were, they were gone in an instant.

I’m reminded of the wise words of Ellen in ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’ when she says “Clarke! I don’t want to spend the holidays dead!”. Do you know how hard it is to enjoy the Easter holidays when you’re dead? Unless you plan on rising three days later, then there really isn’t much to celebrate.

I’m not a saint of a driver. I’ve had three speeding fines in my 12 years of driving, have mounted my fair share of kerbs in car parks and once I even managed to reverse in to my neighbour’s stationary car and nudge it in to her $4000 road bike (don’t ask). Plus last year I found out the hard way that if you’re in the turning lane then change your mind and go straight, even when you’re the only car in sight, that it will cost you $150 and two demerit points.

We can’t always know what is around that bend, but it’s a pretty safe bet that taking it 40km/h too fast is not doing anyone any favours. I know, not all accidents are caused by speed. Fatigue, particularly on long highway drives, is a huge factor. Then there are the freak accidents, like the major crash in November 2011 where a horse wandered on to Albany Highway seriously injuring up and coming WAFL player Warwick Proudlove.

I can’t control other drivers, and that is the bit that annoys me the most. So I do the few things that I can, like change drivers and stick to the speed limit, to make sure we have the best chance of getting our precious cargo to its destination.

The pain of being in a car for hours on end is annoying but it hurts a hell of a lot less than burying loved ones.

Are you a Speed Racer? Or a Sunday Driver?

See ya later, 2012!

Well it's been another huge year and kudos to y'all for surviving the apocalypse. I've put together a list of my fave posts from each month this year in the obligatory blog wrap up.

January - I had fun at the tennis without actually watching the tennis with special guest star Real Jive Turkey and *ahem* smuggled alcohol.

February - Went to a horrid holiday home that was infested with vermin and sucked my will to live.

March - I broke out the Cranky Pants and let you know what not to say to a parent (i.e. me).

April - Created a pictorial tutorial on how to handle a toddler tantrum. Surprise, surprise, it involved wine.

May - I stood up for my bloggy self because a sample of washing powder sure as shit doesn't pay my electricity bill (in response to the infamous Bandaid-Gate).

June - The Trickster turned two. Nawww, my little boy is growing up so fast!

July - I stood up for 50 Shades of Grey. Well, kinda. I KNOW, I KNOW!

August - Made a very naughty 50 Shades of teddies cake. The teacher's face was PRICELESS!

September - Got featured in CLEO magazine thanks to a douchecanoe troll.

October - Nuded up on the interwebs. Again.

November - Gave you some tips on what to do with your ben-wa balls when you're not using them.

December - Got shitty at a woman who tutted at Tricky when he was mid-meltdown and I was trying to calm him down.

And that's it!

I'll be taking a little bloggy break over Christmas and New Year but I'll see you back here mid January with news of my fan-freakin-tastic sponsorship to DPCON13! Ya huh, someone actually admires my head on Madonna's body photoshop skills! Who'd have thunk it?

Until then, be safe, take care of yourself, and each other, or whatever it is that Jerry Springer would have you do.

Camping: Glow Style

This post is sponsored by Magshop

I am a walking contradiction when it comes to holidays.

Part of me wants to rough it and go camping old school style – with a gas cooker ring, the light from our torches and definitely no ablutions block (it would seem I have partially blocked out all memory of how torturous it was to even use an outhouse in the middle of the freezing bush).

When the other part of my brain realizes I’ve been contemplating going somewhere where calls of nature are answered with a shovel and a roll of dunny paper under the arm, my psyche runs screaming from the room. Visualizing a five star resort with swim up bar is the only way to calm me. Cool water, hot waiter, all drinks put on the room tab. Ahhh, that feels better.

I’ve decided that the best way to cater for my contradictory holiday desires is to go Glamping. Glamorous Camping (Or maybe it means Glow Camping? Heyyy!). Upscale, five star luxury camping with all the mod cons? Yes. That will do nicely thankyouverymuch.

I could do it in this:

Duuuuude I want it so bad

Magshop.com.au are giving away an Airstream 762 International Series and a Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo in their amazing Christmas Competition. The prize is worth in excess of a whopping $185,000! To enter, all you have to do is buy or renew a magazine subscription for someone (you’re someone!) this Christmas.

I would look bloody awesome in that. My own silver bullet trailer. I’d feel just like I was in the movies. Or a Regina Spektor song.

I could go bush by day, no doubt with Map Guy showing me how to use a leaf to whistle or whatever it is that country boys do, and then retire to my little oasis by night where I would show him how to apply a face mask and drink wine like a champion. Like city gals do. Win win.

With its own toilet I wouldn’t even need to go to the stinky communal ablutions block with permanently wet floor praying repeatedly “please be water and not wee”! Instead of running across the cold ground in the pitch black and having a luke warm shower with not enough pressure to wash out my shampoo, I could just nip in to my own private bathroom. At least then any wee puddles I stepped in would belong to someone I was related to, making it ever so slightly less repulsive.

If you can see yourself Glamping then check out the magazines Magshop have on offer like Mother and Baby magazine, Gourmet Traveller, Good Health, Real Living, The Women’s Weekly and many more.

Can you see yourself Glamping? Or do you prefer to rough it?

The Christmas Road Trip – How to cope

This post is sponsored by carsales.com.au

Modified from _gee_ under CC license

It’s nearly Christmas and that means it is time for families everywhere to pack themselves in to their cars and drive for miles to get drunk be merry and festive with the family members you have barely seen since December last year. This little Glowing family is going to jump in the car and drive for five freaking hours to Albany in what seems like our 734th road trip of the year.

I figured since I’m now a seasoned professional at this family road trip caper I would share my tips and tricks to make your festive season road trip a little easier.

1. Choose the right car

Safety and comfort of our kids is important, yes, but those little dudes have luxury, slightly reclined carseats that pretty much mean they’re traveling in the toddler equivalent of business class. So I say think of yourself and your own toosh that will be numb in no time if you go in teeny tiny cramped little car. You’re the one who has to drive this thing and you might as well do it in style, so the car you need might just be the Infiniti JX. Not only does it have sensors and beepy things that tell you if you’re going to hit something, but it has enough seats for a basketball team of children and a huge amount of space for luggage. You can pack all your clothes and pressies and still have enough room for the hefty wine supply needed to get you through Christmas day without wanting to kill anyone. Plus you can say “To Infiniti and beyond!” every time you turn the ignition.

2. Keep the snacks handy

I suggest having three separate snack stashes – one for the normal food you want to feed your kid and one with bribes for when you just want them to shut up and stop asking if we’re there yet and playing punch buggy on the back of their brother's head. The third stash is filled with awesomely delectable schnackens and is only brought out when the whiney bastards have fallen asleep so you don’t have to share.

Donnybrook Apple Fun Park = I'm the best mum ever

3. Plan your route

Check the map before you go and figure out where all the cool playgrounds are you can stop at. This allows you to be the cool parent that has taken your kid to three parks in one day, but much more importantly the kids will tire themselves out and sleep like the dead on the next leg of the trip thus giving you more time to eat your special snacks and listen to something that isn’t the Wiggles or a screaming child.

4. In-car entertainment

I like to kick it old school with car trips which means singing, eye spy, spotto and magnetic drawing boards. However after a while they’re often accompanied by the overwhelming desire to stick a plastic spork in my own ear in an attempt to make it all stop. At that point I say a little thanks to all the clever people in the world that came up with portable games and iThings and the clever cookie who put a fancy pants in-car cinema system in cars like the Infiniti JX.

What are your top tips for traveling with kids? 

Linking up with Tina Gray {dot} Me for the Christmas Linky

When a city girl goes to the country

I was really looking forward to our holiday. I was practically frothing at the mouth with excitement because, hello, wineries. Oh and all that family bonding time away from social media and whatnot.

Map Guy planned it all and if the whole cartography thing ever falls through I'm sure he could rock it as a travel agent or tour guide. Apart from the infographic, we had daily maps and directions with a list of activities to do every day. It wasn't a "you must do this", more an idea of what was available. We ended up doing most of his suggestions because they were bloody good and involved a lot of trains for the short train-obsessed blond kid in our group.

He also booked all the accommodation. First up was a gorgeous farm stay in Harvey overlooking the valley and the dam, where Tricky and I got to feed all the animals. Serious father brownie points for that one.

This was also the time when we went to a local winery to find wine that was two weeks past it's use by date (really, they have use by dates?) being sold at $1 a litre. That is not a typo, friends. I was in wine heaven and bought a dozen to divvy up.

Then we got to the next location, our base for the next four days, and it was amazing. A 1950s mill town turned in to a holiday village, with kangaroos and emus all around. They were kinda cute until we realized they were incredibly used to humans and would hunt you down for food.

We bought the special kangaroo mix to feed them with... turns out not only do they have insanely sharp claws but they remember who had the food. Those bastards followed me around trying to get in to my bag for the rest of the trip and completely ignored MG and Tricks. Twice they got in the back door while I was getting firewood (because I'm an idiot and left the door open).

And don't get me started on the emus. There were about four or five all together and amongst them were two males that were walking around with eight chicks between them. Talk about your overprotective dads! A few times they had a go at the kangaroos around us and they'd come towards me quite menacingly - given that emus look pretty menacing most of the time this didn't surprise me. They scare the crap out of me in a "haven't-forgotten-they're-related-to-dinosaurs" way.

Map Guy will tell you differently. He will tell you they ignored him completely so I can only assume that they somehow knew I'd eaten emu before, could smell my fear or had a personal vendetta against me. One of the bastards even tried to get in to our cottage. Remember that scene in Jurassic Park where the raptors learn to open doors? THAT! That is what I'm afraid of!

On a side note, do you know what you do when a kangaroo and an emu try to get in your cottage and you're freaking out? Take a blurry photo then run like fuck screaming for your husband.

Nestled in to the middle of nowhere, the old houses were so quaint with all the original features including an ancient wood stove. There was also an electric stove in the corner for city folk like me which was great or we'd have been eating cereal and fruit the whole time. There was no TV, a handful of streetlights, a dozen other people in the whole village and our nights were spent sitting by the fire, drinking wine and spelling out corny things playing scrabble (I won four out of five matches). It was bliss and we were in bed most nights by 10:00pm. Ragers.

The cottage also had it's original plumbing meaning a solid ancient bathtub and outhouse. Yes. Outhouse. At first I thought "oh how quaint" and then the reality of wild animals and redback spiders hit me and I nearly died.

I know, I can hear you all telling this princess to toughen up. But I'd like to remind you that despite the fact that it was spring, when you're that deep in the forest, it dips below freezing over night, and, oh that's right THERE WERE FUCKING DOOR OPENING EMUS AFTER ME.

I'm not ashamed to say I invented my own outhouse rules. If it's after dark, freezing cold, there are emus after you and you're incredibly pissed on $1 wine, then you're allowed to pee in the bath.

On one of our day trips out from the cottage we went to a Lavender and Berry farm because we'd heard they have awesome pancakes (they do) and some animals that Tricks could feed.

Well, the little dude was more interested in their playground (we did ten playgrounds in eight days - more daddy brownie points there!) so I attempted to. I went to feed the alpaca and freaked out it's insane devil eyes. Did you know alpacas have rectangular pupils? Apparently it took offense at me saying that, because this happened:


That was also how I found out I'm allergic to alpaca saliva. Who'd of thunk it?

We couldn't not stop by the Donnybrook Apple Fun Park - the largest free entry playground in the country. Of course Tricky didn't want to go on the normal sized slides and instead embraced his inner dare devil and climbed to the top of the three story slide (with poor Map Guy following after). Normal slides are for pussies.

A visit to the Valley of the Giants saw acrophobic Map Guy impress us all by doing the treetop walk and even attempting the Bicentennial Tree... as did Tricky who cracked the shits, his cries echoing through the whole forest, when we wouldn't let him go any higher than the fourth rung. Did I mention dare devil?

We wrapped up the holiday in comfort at the in-laws' in Albany. We ate doughnuts, saw whales but best of all the child was constantly entertained, our meals were cooked, our washing was done and there was, above all else, an inside loo.

Do you have outhouse rules? Ever been chased by a wild animal? Allergic to anything weird?

The Glow Family Road Trip, now with bonus map

On Sunday, I'm heading out on a 1200km road trip. One thousand, two hundred kilometers.When I spell it out it seems so much longer and all of a sudden I'm wondering what the hell I've gotten myself in to. 1200km of being cooped up in a car, singing endless renditions of Old MacDonald, passing innumerable snacks to the back seat before capitulating and handing over the iPad.

For most of it, there will just be the three of us. One husband. One wife. One child. Unlike our other road trips, this one will be sans farting dog who is staying home with a sitter. Already, it's ten times better than any previous car trip.

Like any family holiday, a bit of planning goes in to it. And if you're Map Guy and have wanted to create maps since you were seven years old and asked your dad what the person who makes the maps is called, a little bit of mapping goes in to it too.

Behold, the Glow Family Road Trip Infographic:

That's not just a squiggle, that's our actual route. And those icons? Exactly what we'll be doing or seeing at each stop. The man has too much time on his hands is a genius.

I'm looking forward to visiting the biggest free entry playground in Australia, a winery, an Alpaca farm, a winery, a lavender and berry farm, a winery, The Cidery, a winery, a "hands-on-feed-the-animals" farm, a winery, the home of the best steak sandwich in country WA and visiting a few wineries. 

I'm looking forward to it being just us with nothing to interrupt our time together (1,2,3, nawww). And, though it's hard to believe, I'm actually looking forward to the severely restricted mobile internet coverage in regional WA.

So if you don't hear from me for a week, don't worry. If you don't hear from me in two weeks, print out this map and give it to the police - we'll be somewhere along it.

I've got some lovely bloggers guest posting for me while I'm away, so show them some lovin' and if you're feeling particularly generous share their posts - because I won't be able to!

Do you do giant road trips? Are there wineries involved?

This one time, I went to Sydney just to go to a party

It would appear that I'm making a little habit of whirlwind trips to other states. This weekend I threw off the confines of the SAHM title and partied like it was 1999. Well, actually, more like it was 2000 because I was 17 for all but two weeks of 1999 and sure as shit someone will send me an email saying I'm a terrible role model encouraging underage drinking if I don't spell out exactly what I mean.

My partner in crime (which is JUST A SAYING) was the inimitable Real Jive Turkey. The Jive and I had never traveled together before and I wasn't sure what to expect. It was suggested I vajazzle my vajayjay as one must be prepared for everything, including body cavity searches by airport officials, but I stopped short and just threw a handful of glitter at my crotch instead.

The red-eye flight over was uneventful, that is unless, of course, you consider inhaling other people's farts, singing along to our respective iPods and a dismal attempt to vlog at 35,000 feet to be a highlight.

We touched down in Sydney at 6am, having not slept, and decided, since we couldn't check in yet, to hit the ground running and do all the standard cliche touristy things like eat McDonalds for breakfast, take photos of a bridge and a building we'd both seen many times before and sit in Starbucks charging our phones like wankers.

Starbucks, nuts (!!!) and ironing RJT's shirt using a GHD - highlights in anyone's book

The delightful Mrs Woog offered to leave a key out at her house for us to go and crash but I became so overwhelmed with which room I would snoop through first I felt strange to visit someone's house for the first time when they weren't even home, so we declined. This was a huge mistake and the dark rings under my eyes grew two shades darker in protest. Though apparently if I say they grew fifty shades of grey darker all the mums reading this will spontaneously orgasm.

I hit the wall at about 11am, having been awake for 27 hours, and decided that a giant can of carbonated caffeine and paying someone to rub my body would be the only way forward. I sat in the massage chair at a place called Unwind in Erskine Street and had THE BEST massage of my life. I had to restrain myself from groaning in pleasure as she pummeled my muscles in to submission and when she was finished I felt like I should kneel down and worship her. I didn't because it would mean getting down and getting back up again and, really, who has time for that when free drinks are waiting for you?

We pressed on to Bungalow 8 for a fab, slightly liquid lunch with some Bloggy friends. The Jive's list of female blogger friends has just increased ten fold because despite the fact that the conversation veered towards vaginas for a while, he appreciates how dedicated we are at pretending we don't have kids and getting drunk partying.

Liz, Zoey, Kristie, Rah, Me, JJ, Fi, Salz, Alyce, Nicole, Denyse, The Jive, Lily & Cassie

We couldn't keep our eyes open any longer we headed to our "hotel" at the official check in time. I was in charge of booking the hotel and it's safe to say that that responsibility will never land in my lap again as it became glaringly obvious I had booked us in to a dingy backpackers with convent-like rooms. The shower screen was broken, the shower head was broken, the windows didn't close (and it was FREEZING) and the beds were actually lumps of concrete covered in a blanket so thin I've seen layers of dust that have been thicker. But it was clean, it was cheap and it was central.

I closed my eyes and laid there, in the cold, trying to will myself to sleep for two hours before I decided it was pointless and that Twitter would be much more interesting than the insides of my own eyelids. I was right. Y'all are very entertaining.

Fast forward through what seemed like hours of serious hair styling from The Jive and we rocked up at the party that we were in town for. StMurphy's 40th. The atmosphere was electric and it was so exciting to meet people I'd been chatting to on Twitter for ages (like McDimples!), a whole bunch of new people that I'm now actively stalking, catch up with my faves Mrs Woog and SawHole, and, of course, give the birthday boy a hug and an awesome (if I do say so myself) card.

Card created using MoonPig.com.au

Mrs Woog started introducing me as one of Australia's best mummy bloggers to all her celeb friends who were there and despite me telling her she was full of shit, she continued. So I did what any self respecting new media junkie would do and let her carry on safe in the knowledge that the darkened room would be enough to camouflage my flushed cheeks and the massive headswell that was occuring.

Celebrity whoring it up (with a super bright nose removing iPhone flash) with StMurphy, Julie Goodwin,
Mrs Woog, Saw Hole, McDimples, Charlotte Dawson, The Jive, Natarsha Belling and Jo Thornley

I managed to embarrass myself by discussing the pros and cons of female urinals with Jo Thornley, complete with actions, and reverted to very similar miming tactics when my voice, which had been failing all day, completely gave up around 1:00am (after over 40 hours awake). A development that left me with the rather unenviable moniker of *ahem* "cock throat" for the rest of the weekend shenanigans.

A sleep in a concrete bed, a walk around The Rocks and a meet up at the pub with some new friends topped off an amazing weekend in Sydney and I was home by 11:00pm on Sunday night. And much like The Jive's luggage, my voice still hasn't returned. But it was so worth it.

Holiday baggage (under my eyes)

I've just spent a week at a beach shack with Map Guy, Tricky and my inlaws (and Sprocket, can't forget him).

Other than the initial hiccup, it was sorta like a week with a live in nanny, cook and cleaner because they tend to not let us do anything when we stay with them... which suits me very well. I'm sure in a previous life I was uber rich and had servants because it just comes so naturally to me to let people do stuff for me.

Some people call it lazy, I call it delegating.

But I don't come back from holidays looking rested and serene with an ethereal glow (as opposed to an ethereal Glow, because I'm obviously that all the time). I come back looking knackered; the bags under my eyes morph in to an entire matching luggage set and take on a slight purple hue.

See the problem is, whenever I have a little holiday and get to sleep earlier, my brain all of a sudden decides that it must try to reduce the sleep debt I've built up after years of insomnia coupled with 20months of child rearing. Which basically means I'm tired the whole damn time I'm away and take every opportunity to go back to bed and add to the puddle of drool on my pillow or fall asleep in the car giving myself a lovely double whammy of a crick neck and a side double chin (double goiter?).

That translates, roughly, in to me looking like the least involved parent in front of people who I'm still trying to slightly impress.

But rather than continuing to bang on about my holiday that went from soul destroying to rather pleasant (if somewhat anxiety provoking), I want to hear what it would have been like for you:

Finish this sentence: "A week on holidays at the beach with my inlaws would be..."

Holiday Home Hell

Map Guy decided he wanted to stay in a beach shack for a week for his birthday. A week away from the world where my main decision was beach or nap? Hrmmm, lemme think. Hells yes!

A bloke at his work rents out his house in Jurien Bay, about two hours north of Perth. A holiday house where you have to bring your own linen and food but cutlery and crockery is provided. I can manage that.

The problems started as soon as we arrived today. We’d asked if we could take our dog and the bloke said sure thing. Now I don’t know about you, but when someone says that yes, the property allows dogs, it does tend to make me think that the property is actually suitable for dogs.

Nup.

We get here to find there is no fucking fence. Are you kidding me? We can bring our dog but you have a giant open yard. Gee, thanks for letting us know.

A quick trip to the hardware store for bright orange plastic fencing and yellow star pickets and now the house looks like a cross between a danger zone and roadworks. All I need is for the bloke next door to lean on the fence with a smoke and a stop go lollipop and you could hardly tell the difference.

So we grab our stuff and head on inside to find, even after a day of cleaning (my inlaws got there the day before) the place is utterly repulsive. Um, I thought this was a holiday house?? Apparently we’re the first people to use it as such – it’s normally a place where they stay when they come up on fishing weekends. A bunch of blokes + fishing + beer = vomitus.

I cannot describe how disgusting this place is… it is covered in mouse poo. On the floor, on the beds, all through the shower, all over the plates, pots, pans and cutlery. Even after a day of being aired out, it stinks like mouse wee – I didn’t even know what mouse wee smelled like until today! The grime on the floor is so thick that you must wear your shoes at all times – you could try to clean it – we did – but there is no point. Years of neglect mean the filth is practically stuck down. I have visions of CSI people coming here and finding all sorts of nasty shit.

Window sill in our bedroom - that's all mouse shit

Shitty cutlery... literally

I opened the oven door and quickly closed it. I’m pretty sure there is something living in there. There is a lot of fur, so maybe it’s a rogue possum? I’d guess it’s a mid 90s model and I don’t think it’s ever been cleaned. How am I meant to cook this week? The whole point of getting a holiday house rather than a hotel was because it would be a home away from home.

The white stuff is all furry - so maybe an albino rogue possum

And now, that night has fallen? There are flying bugs and cockroaches coming out of every nook.

I’m not sure what I was expecting. Not the Hilton, but at least something that doesn’t leave your feet black after walking across the room. Something where I don’t feel the need to dip my entire body in bleach after being inside for 10 minutes. Something that, oh, I dunno, isn’t a biological fucking hazard.

Luckily some loser left these behind they have "provided" these

I just want to cry. But, seeing as my inlaws are sitting right next to me, and I will no doubt hyperventilate if I break the flood gates, I will keep it together and instead scull my wine. Because we all know that being shit faced is way classier than red nosed, snotty, ugly crying.

At this point I’m not really sure what is going to happen. A beautiful, generous friend, who’s family also has a house up here has offered it to us, free of charge, to save our little holiday - I just have to convince the others, who are quite used to camping and roughing it, that we need to leave. I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of my friend, who even started a #saveglowsholiday hash tag… but tonight? Tonight I have to put my sheets on the crusty mouse poo mattress and cry in to my pillow.

To be continued… unless the mice eat me in the middle of the night.

So Long, Farewell, Auf Weidersehen, Goodbye...

If you're here looking for FlogYoBlog Friday, it's on holiday at Tis The Life this week! Thanks to everyone who volunteered to host it!

Where's My Glow? is shutting down.

Wow, that was a bit melodramatic, wasn't it? But it is kinda true, and hey, it got your attention, didn't it?

I'm going on holiday to Kota Kinabalu and rather than posting four times a week I will be swimming, playing at the water park (inside the resort), drinking cocktails, having massages and manicures and basically being a dumb white tourist for eight glorious days at the Tajung Aru Resort and Spa. Yes, spa.

Cocktail at sunset? YES PLEASE!

On top of that I will NOT be washing, cooking, cleaning, folding or scrubbing (or procrastinating instead of doing them which is actually what happens most of the time) for eight days. EIGHT DAYS! What a fantastic 30th birthday present (not til next month, but hey, close enough)!

I can see you turning green with envy through your screen (check your webcam is off, maybe I'm stalking you).

The last time I went on a relaxing holiday was my honeymoon. Now, three years later we're taking a toddler to a resort with a kid's club he's too young to go to... we may just be mad. Seeya!

So give me your trips for traveling in Asia with a toddler!

Australia Day 2011

It's Tricky's first Australia Day so in true bogan style his Perth Nanna gave him a "Aussie Aussie Aussie" tshirt.

Perth Nanna (my mum) is slightly Aussie-obsessed. She has the stickers, the flags on the car, you name it.

I have inherited this Aussie-obsessive gene. My claim to fame is that I could sing, by heart, the national anthem from age 3 - it's on tape. I'm your go-to gal if you ever need help with the lyrics. I even know the second verse.

I'm sure some of you are now thinking "there is a second verse?!". Yes there is. And it mentions that we have "boundless plains to share". Something to think about when so many are jumping up and down about asylum seekers. (Check out the fantastic Rethink Refugees site that dispels some common, media driven myths)

See I don't care if you were born here or if you don't "look" Australian (I have no effing clue how can you look Australian anyway?). If you call Australia your home then that's all I need.

In celebrating tomorrow I recognize what we have become as a nation... even though we might not have had the best of starts.

I celebrate that we have universal health care - it meant Tricky could have his operation without it costing us thousands of dollars and remortgaging the house.

I celebrate that we have democratic elections, even if it takes a week for the results to be known.

I celebrate that even though 49% of the population are unhappy with those elections there is not mass rioting and looting, just grumbles at the dinner table.

I celebrate a nation that pulls together and takes care of those less fortunate by raising millions of dollars for the flood victims.

I celebrate a nation that realizes the importance of mothers and has paid maternity leave.

So tomorrow when I'm having a picnic lunch in a national park with a dozen of my friends and the three dozen Anzac bikkies I made today (that's a good ratio, right?), I'll be celebrating the Australia that Tricky will grow up in.

How do you celebrate Australia Day?

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Meet Glowless at the Aussie Bloggers Conference thanks to

Healthy Chart and Baby Goes Retro