Monday, February 20, 2012

Holiday Home Hell

Map Guy decided he wanted to stay in a beach shack for a week for his birthday. A week away from the world where my main decision was beach or nap? Hrmmm, lemme think. Hells yes!

A bloke at his work rents out his house in Jurien Bay, about two hours north of Perth. A holiday house where you have to bring your own linen and food but cutlery and crockery is provided. I can manage that.

The problems started as soon as we arrived today. We’d asked if we could take our dog and the bloke said sure thing. Now I don’t know about you, but when someone says that yes, the property allows dogs, it does tend to make me think that the property is actually suitable for dogs.


We get here to find there is no fucking fence. Are you kidding me? We can bring our dog but you have a giant open yard. Gee, thanks for letting us know.

A quick trip to the hardware store for bright orange plastic fencing and yellow star pickets and now the house looks like a cross between a danger zone and roadworks. All I need is for the bloke next door to lean on the fence with a smoke and a stop go lollipop and you could hardly tell the difference.

So we grab our stuff and head on inside to find, even after a day of cleaning (my inlaws got there the day before) the place is utterly repulsive. Um, I thought this was a holiday house?? Apparently we’re the first people to use it as such – it’s normally a place where they stay when they come up on fishing weekends. A bunch of blokes + fishing + beer = vomitus.

I cannot describe how disgusting this place is… it is covered in mouse poo. On the floor, on the beds, all through the shower, all over the plates, pots, pans and cutlery. Even after a day of being aired out, it stinks like mouse wee – I didn’t even know what mouse wee smelled like until today! The grime on the floor is so thick that you must wear your shoes at all times – you could try to clean it – we did – but there is no point. Years of neglect mean the filth is practically stuck down. I have visions of CSI people coming here and finding all sorts of nasty shit.
Window sill in our bedroom - that's all mouse shit

Shitty cutlery... literally
I opened the oven door and quickly closed it. I’m pretty sure there is something living in there. There is a lot of fur, so maybe it’s a rogue possum? I’d guess it’s a mid 90s model and I don’t think it’s ever been cleaned. How am I meant to cook this week? The whole point of getting a holiday house rather than a hotel was because it would be a home away from home.
The white stuff is all furry - so maybe an albino rogue possum
And now, that night has fallen? There are flying bugs and cockroaches coming out of every nook.

I’m not sure what I was expecting. Not the Hilton, but at least something that doesn’t leave your feet black after walking across the room. Something where I don’t feel the need to dip my entire body in bleach after being inside for 10 minutes. Something that, oh, I dunno, isn’t a biological fucking hazard.

Luckily some loser left these behind they have "provided" these
I just want to cry. But, seeing as my inlaws are sitting right next to me, and I will no doubt hyperventilate if I break the flood gates, I will keep it together and instead scull my wine. Because we all know that being shit faced is way classier than red nosed, snotty, ugly crying.

At this point I’m not really sure what is going to happen. A beautiful, generous friend, who’s family also has a house up here has offered it to us, free of charge, to save our little holiday - I just have to convince the others, who are quite used to camping and roughing it, that we need to leave. I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of my friend, who even started a #saveglowsholiday hash tag… but tonight? Tonight I have to put my sheets on the crusty mouse poo mattress and cry in to my pillow.

To be continued… unless the mice eat me in the middle of the night.


  1. Oh Glow!  Oh no!   Do you want me to call MapGuy and make him leave?  The only good thing I can think is that at least you have some sort of net access!  I hope you get some sleep and are allowed to move on tomorrow!

  2. Oh Glow! That is horrifying. We have an only slightly similar story- the first time we decided to venture out for a 'holiday' as a family of four (ie relocating the family and half the house including baby gear), we found a dust ball where the cottage was meant to be. We could only do so much- but my poor baby girl, 9 months or so just coughed in her portacot next to the dusty curtains all night. All night. Non stop. I wanted to cry. But instead, when we left, I forgot to take our mince out of their fridge...

    Hold on until tomorrow! xx

  3. Basically being eaten alive by mice is my worst nightmare. Go sleep on the beach. STAT. 

  4. i actually think Melissa's idea is a great one - go and sleep on the beach.

    oh and if your in-laws and Mayguy do not want to move to the house that the department of health wouldn't demolish, fine, leave them be and you & Tricky go and stay in the lap of luxury.

    you're a braver person than i, i wouldn't even be able to sleep there tonight! i have no idea how that bloke could have not checked on the state of the place before you going there - yes even if that meant having to drive up himself! i'd be so ashamed if i let a mate borrow a house and it was in that state!!

    hope you manage to convince the rest of your traveling companions to take up Ash's offer of the house xxx

  5. Ew ew ew ew ew!! I suggest you chloroform the others and relocate them and pretend you've been there the whole time and they were dreaming. No matter what, you have to get out, that is just awful :-(

  6. shit! that is horrendous. How can they not want to leave as much as you do? I would die. literally. That place is making India look clean.  

  7. Gross! That's awful and unfair! Seriously, some people's definition of satisfactory is a bit scary. I'd be sleeping in the car myself, at least you could save Tricky and take him there with you. Then I'd be getting the hell out of there tomorrow!

  8. Tara@OurWhirlwindAdventuresFebruary 21, 2012 at 3:29 AM

    OMFG - Ew!
    Just Ew!
    Roughing it is one thing, but my pet rats have more hygienic living quarters... And they're fucking rats!
    Hope you got a semblence of sleep, although, I personally would be sleeping in the car, and are out of there soon! Xx

  9. yuck! I can't believe you didn't turn straight around and leave. Head for the local caravan park or tent shop or something. Run fast, your in-laws will respect your leadership.

  10. OMG Run while you can. That is seriosuly feral you poor thing. I hope you get to your freinds house and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

  11. oh no!  I hope you asked for a refund!

  12. That is not cool - let the other's stay at the Rat Pit if they want - pack up Tricky and get to your friends place ASAP.
    There's a big difference between roughing it and living in a biological hazard.

  13. how in the shit are you still there? I'd have fled. If I can't eat because it's fucking filthy, I ain't staying. I don't care who's in-laws I hurt.

  14. I'd say sleep at the beach, but that's where a snake crawled into my sun shelter, so not a good idea. The caravan/camp park thing there is nice. Nto free, but at least mouse free. Think of it this way...Map Guy will owe you big time for this one...if you survive.

  15. Please tell me you're already on your way to your friend's place? Please?

  16. Glow, back away from the house slowly, match in hand. Do the world a favour and burn that shit to the ground. You can't clean a place that is that bad.
    Leave. Now. Before you get some nasty ass disease.

  17. I just vomited in my mouth a little bit.  Sleep on the beach...just do it.

  18. Oh no! Glow, that's a shocker! Camping is much cleaner than that! We need to do up some protest signs I think: "SAVE THE GLOW HOLIDAY"

  19. Perhaps he should rent it out as a weight loss camp cause it is sure as shit I wouldn't want to eat there.

    Oh my lovely... that sucks so much, I hope you get to move to somewhere more hygienic. Cause it sounds worse than the time we stayed at a caravan park next to the sewerage treatment plant that was full of bedbugs and the kids had chickenpox when we drove all night in the billion degree heat to bury MPS's mother. And that wa the GOOD night. True story.


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