Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Lardy McLard Ass

My BMI is so very very close to obese.

It scares the crap outta me.

I know I'm fat but I don't tend to step on the scales, so I didn't know my actual weight - even when I found out my weight I didn't think it would be enough to put me in to the obese category... but it did. No, I'm not gonna put it here, I can't bring myself to do it, but you can pretty much guess it I'm sure. 

If I’m to lose weight before December as part of my Thirty before 30 list, then I need to get a move on. Quite literally. So, I went walking. What did you see? I saw a yellow dog looking at me.

I can’t do as much exercise as some other people. I don’t really talk about it much, but I have a chronic pain condition that means if I go all out and “work through the pain” Biggest Loser style, I will end up in bed, unable to move for the rest of the week even with the help of some very hard core drugs. I’ve even got one of those disability stickers on my car that lets me park in the ACROD bays – it comes in really handy on the days when I can barely move, but, because I don’t limp or “look disabled” I tend to get abused by people who assume I have stolen my grandmother’s permit, so I don’t use it unless I’m desperate and ready to fight off people who block my car in (yes, that really happened).


Chronic pain affects my social life too; if I go out dancing or to a pub and have to stand the whole night, I do it knowing that the next two to three days are a write off… but I still go cos I’m stupid and quite partial to wine young (ish) and want to have fun.

When I do exercise, it has to be very gentle; walking is pretty much all I can do and there can’t be any incline. I even considered joining one of those granny walking clubs once only to find out they walk much faster than I can.

So yesterday I walked and five minutes in to it I knew it was a mistake. Not because I was in pain but because I made the stupid mistake of wearing a g-string, the only clean pair of undies in the house. Every now and again I’d glance around to make sure there was no one behind me and yank those suckers out. I am nothing if not classy.

For today's walk I will be much more prepared and actually wear proper underwear. A bit of walking, no less crappy food, and I'll be on my way to looking and feeling fab I'm sure.

Is your body screwed up like mine? If so, how do you keep fit?
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Glowless rocked the Aussie Bloggers Conference thanks to

56 comments:

  1. My body's screwed in different ways... IBS means that I need to exercise within sprinting! ddistance of a toilet just in case :\ and certain stuff shouldn't move too fast before the first bowel movement of the day... :\

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  2. OMG so worth the wait for you to be able to post it. Love the G-banger reference. Bless. Before you even articluated it, I was totally thinking "wow...if she's power-walking or taking big exercise-type strides, those bad boys will totally ride up". PS - Fat my ass. So not true. Scales are vicious lying bastard things only meant to incite fear in gymnasts. Don't ever go near them again. Ever.

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  3. I've actually got a post about starting exercise ready for tomorrow. I understand exactly where you're coming from. I don't know if your health insurance covers gym membership or fitness training? I can give you some contact details if that helps. I'm doing a beginners running club at the moment. Starting from the beginning again. But gotta start somewhere.

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  4. I have a bit of extra baby weight to get rid of. Not sure of my exact weight either but Im fairly certain I have about 15kg to lose to get back to pre baby weight (we're talking first baby here - 3.5 years old now). I refuse to weigh myself because if Im trying really hard and not seeing a difference I lose all motivation. So I exercise to feel better first, when I can feel a difference in my energy levels I feel better about myself.
    I did join a gym but I found it boring and monotonous so that's the end of that. I have a cross trainer at home and Im trying to do 20 minutes every day. My back suffered from being pregnant so I get bad sciatic pain, 20 minutes is all I can handle most days.

    Good luck! eating healthier is the first big step, once you've conquered that mountain the exercise will be alot easier!

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  5. I'm not screwed up with a genuine reason like you. Just lazy and blessed with wonderful genetics (but not for ageing, oh boy!). However i find that the wii fit is actually pretty handy, you can whip it out whenever you like, if you're having a crap day you can play the games to cheer you up, and it have light exercises like the yoga, or the step up's. That way you are very much in control and if you're hurting you can just stop. You don't have to get home, or worry about getting stuck in the rain or even if your knickers are up your bum (you could just yank em on out, or even work out commando style).
    The only thing about the wii fit, i don't think it does the hard core type work outs, but it does give you the tools to be able to work something out for yourself. So if you have a wii, definitely look at getting the wii fit!

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  6. lol. I'm not laughing at your pain, I'm laughing at speed walking grannies. anyway... as you know, I'm not on the skinny side of anything but I have recently been losing weight and getting all calorie obsessed. I use myfitnesspal.com on the computer and my phone. It's great! I also won the thinkslim mp4 thingo from @diminishinglucy:twitter and have been using the self hypnosis stuff to get my head in the right space. I'm losing an average of 1 kilo a week.which I'm happy with. There was a cd in our conference swag bags. I recommend it. even if the guy does sound like glen robbins in boytown.... anyway. don't want to sound spammy. I'm not on commission.

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  7. "yank those suckers out. I am nothing if not classy." - that resulted in loud snorting noises - even my dogs looked at me weirdly!!


    you know that i'm also taking steps to wittle myself down to the "curvy and stunning" section of female body descriptions - i am classed as obese, i know i'm fat, it just hate that word - obese it sounds bloody horrible!


    we shall be each others cheer squads - YOU will be even MORE gorgeous and slimmer than you are now before the years out!


    ~x~

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  8. I have lupus... Not sure if you have heard of it, but it basically means that my body makes to many anti nuclear antibodies and instead of attacking bad cells, they attack me... Its mild, i will admit, but there have been points in my life where i could not move, where i would swell up so bad that my husband would have to carry me to the bed...


    I used to take so many pain killers and ibuprofen it was messing with my belly & i was overweight... I couldnt run, i didnt move much & i was miserable...


    But i decided to take control (one of the main reasons being i couldnt be on all those pain killers if i wanted to fall pregnant) Anyway they say (my trainer says) it is 60% food 40% exercise... & it is so true, i know SO many people who have lost the weight simply by changing diet & walking for 30 minutes a day...


    My suggestion is simply do what you can physically each day - dont push yourself to the point of no return, and simply focus on your diet.


    Makes the changes slowly so it becomes habit and lifestyle rather than a crash diet that is sure to fail.


    Take out carbs after 3pm, switch to diet soda, chew gum, eat diet jelly, try diets like the dukan diet (my bil has had massive success with this one - check it out - http://ashleyangell.com/2011/05/it-turns-out-eat-less-do-more-isnt-enough-for-me/ and just know that you can do it, have faith in yourself and know that while it is hard, it is worth every painstaking step...


    And just as importantly - surround yourself with like minded people, dont let people sabotage your efforts.


    After 5 years, loosing the weight three times over, and completely changing the way i live, i now am mostly pain free and pill free, i may have bad habits like gum and diet jelly, but all in all i am healthy and happy & on my way to showing my daughter that you can have your cake and eat it too!


    <3 Good Luck & know that you have all the support you need in me :D

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  9. I used to wear G bangers. Now I cringe at the thought of them. I think you look great x

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  10. I am considered obese due to my BMI so I'm taking a leaf out of Lady Fabulous' book. BM I don't care!
    You look amazing and not the least bit obese!
    In fact, you look considerably taller than I am so don't stress too much on it, honestly, you are gorgeous x

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  11. here i was feeling all sympathetic and sad and then you mentioned g-string and I cracked up laughing! god love you glowless, you are one awesome chick not to mention absolutely stunning just the way you are x x

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  12. It is all about the start.

    I'm not sure if my insurance covers it, I'll have to check. I've had a handful of personal trainers over the years, from way back when I wasn't overweight but was trying to exercise for pain control, and I had no luck finding one who would actually realize when I said I had to stop because it was hurting, I wasn't just being a wuss, I was actually trying to be able to go to work/uni the next day.

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  13. Ugh sciatic pain is excruciating! I hated what I saw when I stepped on the scales, but I've hated what I've seen in the mirror for a long time, so it wasn't really a surprise.

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  14. I've been checking out the Wii Fit lately, I don't own a Wii so would have to get one of those first!

    Hrmmmm working out commando style, not sure if I could handle that :P

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  15. I packaged up half my swag and gave it to my sponsor, it was probably in that half. I kept the chocolates... that's saying something isn't it??

    Thanks for the link, will check it out - I've been secretly stalking
    @diminishinglucy
    for a while now, taking inspiration from her :)

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  16. I have my pom-poms ready to cheer you, stink-bomb!!! And the threatening tweets, we can't forget those x

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  17. Thank you so so so much for this, it's nice to hear success stories from someone in a similar boat!

    I've stopped buying junk and am focusing on cooking a lot more from scratch and having healthy snacks ready to go for those 3pm I NEED FOOOOOOOOOOD times!

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  18. I used to wear em too (obviously since they're in my undies drawer). Now I'd take VPL any day over having to wear one.

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  19. Naww, Rach, you'll make me go all soppy :P x

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  20. Yikes! That's gotta be a pain in the ass (both figuratively and literally).

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  21. yeah, also means really timing when I'm going to run, and when I have something on :(

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  22. Fussy Eater's MumMay 10, 2011 at 4:36 PM

    My goodness, we have got to chat more.

    Firstly, you are very pretty, so people are looking at your face, not your G-string area. So even on days you are feeling frumpy and fat you can smugly say to yourself, "yeah, but I'm gorgeous."

    Secondly, I too have chronic pain that makes exercise (even in the form of cocktail party mingling) very painful. You may notice that I never wear heels. I’d love to wear heels to look taller and slimmer, but I’d be lame if I did.

    Thirdly, use your bloody HealthyChart! It’s all about getting into the HABIT of eating/drinking/exercising the right amounts.

    And lastly, it just takes one day at a time and eventually you will get there...whatever there is.

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  23. Have you looked at working out in the pool? At my gym they offer a lot of classes in the water, with these cool looking foam weight things. I also notice lots of people walking up and down the lanes. (I'm not a swimmer, but the exercising in the water does look fun!)

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  24. Amy@New AdventuresMay 10, 2011 at 5:56 PM

    I;ve lost 10.5kg this year in 14 weeks and you know what - i did it without doing much exercise. Just light walks round my neighbourhood and a stroll around the shops on my lunch break from work. The majority of the weight has been lost through much better eating - halving my meat portions, doubling the vegies, cutting waaaaay back on the carbs ( i went the first two weeks with no flour products at all ) and drinking at least a litre and a half of water a day. i still allow myself a treat now and then, it just means i need to be a bit more disciplined the rest of the time....good luck!

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  25. I agree with Chasing a Miracle, concentrate on your diet but keep walking (as long as it doesn't hurt!) any exercise you can do is awesome.

    I'm doing the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation, you could have a look at it but I don't think you'd be able to do the exercise. Although, there are people on it that have health issues. At least the diet could help you out. Also http://www.calorieking.com.au/ could be your new best friend.

    Good luck

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  26. ThetruthaboutmummyMay 10, 2011 at 6:21 PM

    Oh, that must make it all so very tough - hope it gets easier for you!

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  27. From someone who has had problems with stiffness and pain on and off for years- where even walking from the couch to the kitchen was almost impossible - I recommend swimming- highly (except for the having to wear a swimsuit part ) a great way to exercise without putting much strain on your body, but be careful not to over do it or it might bite you on the bum the next day. Good luck!

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  28. I put 5 kiloson over easter. Yeah I fucking inhaled those easter eggs. My exercise restriction (read: 'excuse') is that as soon as my heart rate goes up enough to burn anything my throat closes up and leaves me barking like lassie at a burning house.


    You're perfectly proportioned anyway, G-girl, and I bet most of your weight is in your bra.

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  29. Ha ha, g-strings now underwear of last resort for me too.
    I think the BMI is a bit of a crock and shouldn't be taken too seriously, but just as a rough guide. And I'm with the others on the food-exercise balance - portion control has worked a treat for many people I know, and myself.
    Good luck - and you're gorgeous regardless!

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  30. Oh G, I understand. I have slipped back into old, welcoming habits - and exercise is the devil. Not because I suffer from a chronic condition but because I suffer from laziness. Sigh.


    Maybe we should pair up and fat blast together?

    x

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  31. i dont even dare go near the scales, i go by the clothes are getting tighter. @Glowless:disqus

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  32. I look at you and all I see is sweetness and class. I do, however understand exactly what you are saying..I am the same as you re weight issues etc and I have two crushed discs in my back so my days of crazy exercise has to be replaced by walking and pilates. I started running a couple of months ago and I started to get fit, but it wrecked my back. It's so totally frustrating to do old lady exercise.

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  33. The trainers on Biggest Loser will tell you that 80% of weight loss is in the diet so don't let your condition hold you back from looking and feeling great!

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  34. What about swimming? It's supposed to be low impact or something like that. I'm on a change of lifestyle at the moment as well. It is hard. So hard. Damn easter eggs.

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  35. Ha-ha, g-strings, really, who invented them? I was shopping in the undies section of Target the other day and my 5 year old daughter held up a pair (or is it singular as there's not really enough fabric to make a pair?) and said "but these would show your bottom, oooh yuck!", I'm not sure if she was referring to my bottom in particular or bottoms in general! I too have been told by a trainer that it's 80% food and that chocolate doesn't count as a protein source!

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  36. I was neither power-walking nor striding and those babies had a mind of their own anyway!

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  37. I will start each morning with "yeah, but I'm gorgeous" from now on.

    I didn't know that, FEM, we do need to chat more.

    And I dooooo use my HealthyChart!! All the time - it's just after my recommended servings I tend to add a few more on.

    I'm committed this time (and I don't mean the psych ward type) - I did it once before, then put the weight back on through a combination of hospital stays and medication which threw out my great habits. I can do it again - especially with my HealthyChart!!!

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  38. It's a great suggestion - I should put Tricky in his swim ring and push him up and down while he splashes :)

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  39. Go Amy!!! You rock!! I've been trying to do 30-60minutes of walking a day - as fast as I can do it which is faster than a stroll, but not fast enough to have much of an impact on my heartrate. But it's better than nothing!!!

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  40. I went out and got the $10 Calorie King book so I could take it shopping with me! If I get told I can't have something I'll want it - with calorie counting I can have anything really, as long as it doesn't add up to over x calories.

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  41. Thanks, it's no where near as bad as it used to be... I used to have crutches and hire wheelchairs for big days out. Compared to then, I'm practically pain free!

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  42. What's up Lassie? Little Timmy stuck down the well?

    PMSL yes a laaaarge proportion of it in is my bra :P

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  43. Portions are pretty big in this house and I was raised by members of the 'Clean Plate Brigade' so I have inadvertently trained myself to finish everything, even if I'm full. Gotta unlearn that skill!

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  44. Laziness is my other disability... tend to not to be able to get ACROD passes for that though. Bummer.

    Let's do it Hols, Stink-Bomb is in too, we're gonna Tweet words of encouragement to each other like "Put down the chocolate, Lardy McLard Ass"

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  45. And the pants from last year that you go to put on that don't fit any more... yup, that's me.

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  46. I just retrieved my undies from my bum, how can you see class @farmerswifey ?! Hehe!

    OUCH, yep, buggered up backs and exercise don't really mix very well. I did yoga for a while, but never tried pilates.

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  47. Thanks, Vanessa. I watched that show and fantasized about being able to do the things they did. Except for Leigh, he just annoyed me, then he got hot and it annoyed me more.

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  48. I completely blame easter, too MummyK!!

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  49. Oh your Miss 5 is so wise!!! They are pretty silly when you think about it aren't they?!

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  50. Hi Glowless,
    My wife follows your blog in Google Reader and felt it very important to refer me to this post. I read through it and the comment section and I feel that I need to tell you to look into Gym Movement Protocol.

    For full disclosure, I have been using this protocol for exercise and performance reasons since February 2010 personally and plan in future to become certified in instructing its use. (I don't want you to think I am completely impartial or being deceptive about my association with The Movement.)

    Gym Movement was created (mostly) by a man called Frankie Faires who also suffers from chronic (or omni-contextual) pain and was basically condemned to a life on opiate pain-killers (in my understanding) due to pain specialists' inability to solve the problem.
    Gym Movement is a system of exercise whereby we use the body's feedback (positive or negative) to regulate not only how much you do, but WHAT you do.
    It also recognises that the more you move through pain or into pain, the worse the body and brains inclination to continue that pain will become.

    At the very basic level, I would ask you to ask the questions; "What movement can I make that I associate with no or lesser pain? What can I do to increase the volume or intensity of these patterns I associate with lesser pain? What other contexts do I associate with lesser pain that may be leveraged into action?"

    Check out the website of Adam T. Glass and google "Gym Movement" for more information. Also, feel free to contact me on Twitter if you are interested in more information. I am happy to speak to you on the phone or by email. (I also live in Perth, so the phone would be cheap and easy!)

    Don't let anyone tell you what "should" control your pain. "Should" is worth nothing. "Does" is where we explore the possibilities.
    Even if you ignore all this, I wish you the best of luck in mastering your pain and your body.

    Piers McCarney

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  51. Eesh :( Stupid pain-bodies. xo I hear ya.

    Have you thought about water aerobics? Don't diss it! It's bloody hard (if you find the right class)! Much better on your body/joints... but of course, it depends what ails you. Still, thought I'd mention. (by the way, obese schmobese lady - it's all in a word. But very good motivation, I know)

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  52. Fussy Eater's MumMay 12, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    Make sure you get the little log book that goes with it ($5) to keep track. It so helps.

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  53. Thanks for the info, Piers, and for the disclosure :) I'll check it out.

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  54. But then I'd have to get in bathers and everyone would seeeeeeeeeeee! :P xxx

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  55. Can totally relate. I hate to admit to being fat and forty. I had something else in mind. I recently started working out again. Day one kicked my butt. It hurt to push the breaks in the car. Pathetic.

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  56. First day/week/month/year is always the hardest. Cross out those which don't apply :)

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