Wednesday, May 18, 2011

He Did What!? Wednesday - By Darkly Wise, Rudely Great

I Did What? - Guest post by Darkly Wise, Rudely Great

He is a new father. We’ll call him ‘Damon’, if only because this is his name.

He is idealistic, proud and dedicated to parenthood. He wants what Zorba the Greek called ‘the full catastrophe’: marriage, children, and the thick knot of entangled lives.

When his son wakes, he wakes. When his wife sleeps, he dotes. He cooks frittata, buys tubs of King Island Dairy yoghurt, cleans the house, helps with breast-feeding. (By prodding his son’s chubby chin to wake him up, mid-feed.)

And he is a master of that arcane midnight art: nappy changing.

Or so he thinks.

On one evening, after three hours’ sleep (not consecutive, mind you), he is practicing his craft. His son is on the change table. The new nappy is ready. The old nappy is off. The boy is clean.

But not clean enough.

Mad with sleeplessness, the father decides to keep wiping. There are specks. There are dots. He will clean them. He keeps wiping.


(O hubris, scourge of heroes.)

And then it happens. A hot stream of stinking saffron squirts from his heir’s squirming bum. It burns his eyes. It clogs his nose. Yes, it drips past his lips.

He is literally shitfaced.

He wants to run away to a hot, purifying shower. He cannot – a small nappy-wipe must do. He holds his son steadily on the change table, who is now smiling like a crowned king. He changes and dresses his baby boy, and puts him to bed.

Minutes are centuries. But finally the boy sleeps.

Then he runs away to a hot, purifying shower, which restores pink skin but not dignity.

To paraphrase Nietzsche: sometimes when you stare long into an abyss, the abyss craps all over you.

___ . . . ___ . . . ___

Damon Young is a philosopher, writer and commentator. No, I don't mean a backyard philosopher, I mean he has a PhD in philosophy... that's right, Where's My Glow? has just featured Dr Damon.

He has already published one book and a second is due out next year. His writing has been published in the The Age, The Sydney Morning Herald, The Australian, Herald-Sun, and on the BBC and ABC. He's a regular radio guest, has even been on Channel 7's Sunrise and is also one of the minds behind Reservoir Dad's Most Mentally Sexy Contest... in other words, he's ultra smart and a bit of a media whore junkie.

To find his work, ranging from fiction to poetry to philosophy, visit his website and if that's a little heavy going for you, then check out his blog for bite sized snippets.

Next Week: The Bloke in the Shed spills the beans on Princess Kellie

Send your S/He Did What!? submission to
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  1. Ha ha ha ha Yup. That's a baby for you! Little blighters. Boof used to pee everywhere whenever we took his nappy off. ALl over the wall, change table, floor, me and even his big sister who was suitably mortified until I could not stop laughing! And as for the poo... Oh that yellow/orange crap stains!!! 

  2.  Hahaha I love this! If only because it is like a rite of passage for parents.

  3. Oh, that is hilarious!  For us!

  4.  Ripper post. I can honestly say that after changing thousands of nappies I have not ever (to this point) been shat at in the face. Fingers crossed for a shit-face free life. 

  5. Bahahahaha. I wanted to laugh and vomit all at once reading that.

  6.  My face has yet to be shat on also. And if my son wants to make it through life without being vomited on, it will remain this way.

  7. OMG! That was so funny!!!!  And so gross! And saffron really is the colour, well described. 

  8. Bwhahahah!!  "He is literally shitfaced"!  I know I shouldn't laugh, it could happen to any of us but I have no choice because it is just too funny.   

  9. Hahaha (sorry). At least it was his own baby's poo; it is somehow more acceptable than from another child. And I wish I'd had a hands on Dad like Damon. 

  10. That was hilarious!! I will admit to being pee'd on but I have never been poo'd on. Thank goodness. 

  11.  I'd like to thank you all for your heartwarming sympathy.

  12.  I'd like to thank you all for your heartwarming sympathy.

    And by 'heartwarming sympathy', I of course mean 'lulz'.

  13.  Whoa, now that is a story! Sorry man. I've been peed on, but not that. And you finished the job!. There is no way, I would have been yelling for my wife to get up out of bed and take over so I could clean my face. 

  14. they truly are gits - babies.

    I really do not trust them.


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