Monday, February 6, 2012

Get your shit together

I really need to get my shit together, I'm 30 now, no excuses.

In the last few weeks days I've gone totally emo. I've been eating everything in sight and taking mopey, arty farty self-portraits. I've even been posting attention seeking, pathetic tweets in the hope that someone would say "you're not a completely worthless person". I phished for compliments... I hate it when people do that. Loathe it. Get over yourself, I think, see a bloody therapist and stop filling up my Twitter stream with your emo ramblings.

I am nothing if not a grade A hypocrite.

I am extroverted, in the true sense of the word. It doesn't necessarily mean a bright and bubbly, outgoing person, though I can be (Oscar worthy acting, remember? Meryl Streep took lessons from me), it means I rely on the energy of those around me. Being alone with my thoughts sends me in to a tailspin. I don't like my own company, never have. Perhaps it's why when I retreat, it's to Twitter... you're never alone when you have Twitter (spoken like a true geek).

I don't just take on the positive energy of those around me, but the negative as well. I soak in their emotions, like a warm bath, until I'm pruney, overwhelmed and feeling utterly hopeless. Their issues become my problems. Their loss becomes my heartache. Their desperation becomes my depression.

Part of myself that I hate, is the inability to compartmentalize and differentiate between myself and others. I don't just take on someone's emotions but I take on their personality as well. If I'm around you long enough, I start being you. That freaks the fuck out of a lot of people (not that I blame them, it would freak me out too), so, as a result, I keep my distance. Which means I'm back to my own, warped thoughts to keep me company.

It's a morose not-so-merry-go-round of trying to be near people then running away so I don't get too close. A tightrope balancing act that I'm yet to master, and there's no bloody net underneath to catch me. I'm sure there's a few more circus metaphors in there but I can't think of them right now.

Alcohol and twitter have become my crutch. Don't like your own thoughts? Go and read someone elses or drink until your own thoughts slur and you can no longer understand them. My saving grace is that Tricky is still breastfeeding and I know he'll be awake and wanting milk bright and early the next morning... but it kinda freaks me out that that is the only thing stopping me from completely annihilating myself some nights.

I've been actively encouraging him to wean lately, and it's partly so I can have my body back and put in it whatever I want, whenever I want to excessive levels. Who does that? Seriously. Sorry, kid, you can't have this nutritious, antibody filled liquid gold any more cos mama needs to get trashed.

So no, I don't have my shit together, not by a long shot. But, if I put edible glitter in my wine, then at least my shit sparkles. I'm like a goddamn unicorn or something.

 

Don't panic. Tomorrow I'll post a recipe and we can forget this ever happened. As you were.

32 comments:

  1. I don't have a wise insightful comment to leave Glow.
    All I can say is that I get it

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  2. self-awareness is half the battle, so you're doing better than you think.  Heard a saying the other day - "Everything is always ok in the end.  If everything is not ok, it's not the end!"  :)  Hang in there babe.

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  3. Oh the joys of breastfeeding... today I want to wean Darling so I can sleep in and let daddy get up at 6:30 to get her breakfast. Sleep, drinking... all vital ingredients to being happy. I'm totally enabling you here, because I'm feeling just as cranky and emo today too. Blergh.

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  4. Despite being quite the classic introvert I know exactly what you mean when you describe the effect that other people's energy has on you. Thankfully, being an introvert means I can happily run away (my favourite coping mechanism) and sequester myself away from the emotions of others and the effect they have on me. 

    You don't have this luxury given you are an extrovert and require the energy of others (I have a brother just like you!)

    Hopefully the one thing you CAN control is the people you surround yourself with? Worked for him, can hopefully work for you?

    That cake decorating class is a good start I reckon!

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  5. Mishaps n Mayhem of a GF LifeFebruary 6, 2012 at 9:13 AM

    We all have those moments n anyone who says they don't is lying. Thoughts go through all of our heads, it's if we carry through with them or not! And 30 doesnt mean u must get ur shit together! Im 30, married, had 2 move back with my parents cause of workers comp wages, all from a car accident that wasn't my fault! I was meant 2 b a nun or pregnant an assistant principal but in a split second my world changed. I focus on what I have got, that things could have been worse cause the bad stuff is bad n if I focused on that I would sink into a deep depression, I'm fortunate my personality is to be strong and b a survivor! But I get how people drown in their own self pity! I'm here if u need a chat! Xxx

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  6. I sure as hell didn't feel like a unicorn after that wine..... Saturday arvo was a struggle

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  7. You know, I would be completely chuffed if you wanted to be me :)  Cause there are definitely days when I wish I was more like you.  You're gorgeous...and oh, awesome :P

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  8. I could have written the top part of this post (I'm not breastfeeding anyone). I do pretty much the same thing. Is it weird to say it's kind of comforting to know i'm not the only one? But this post, it means you are aware of it, that you're not in your own little world and just plodding along. You are aware of what you are doing, and I think everyone goes through these times, and that everyone should give in and have a few 'give into your emo' days. xox

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  9. I am very excited to see you can buy edible glitter! Know that you are not alone, everyone has those periods in their lives that things can seem too hard. Confession, I weaned Master Z at 6 mths partly so I could travel - there, I said it, - worse mother ever! You will never be that bad :o)

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  10. *worst* sorry for my poor spelling clogging your internet!

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  11. Hum, I suspect that there are a great many of us in the blogging/twitter world that do almost the exact same thing (minus the glitter because sparkly shit would be most disconcerting to me).  All I can say is that you are not alone with these feelings and let them out, be all emo.  ((Hugs)) my dear hypocrite! 

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  12. I get it as well. And I think it's good you recognise it. On the weight loss program I used to be on, the 'leader' used to tell us to ride that wave.... noting there'd be ups and downs and we just had to go with them. Easier said than done maybe....

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  13. I had a dream I emailed you the other night. It was a fucking scary email let me tell you.

    Oh to not HAVE to be emo. Sometimes, I just need to write it. I don't dare speak it. Not even to Mr Black (especially not to him), and so I write it in a twisted disorted way. But that's ok, because I'm twisted and disorted, so it comes easily. If I don't write it, throw a word out there saying I'm not ok, I know that my blackhole becomes infinitely darker. I try not to but sometimes, depending on circumstances, it's best. it's best that I have an outlet.

    Do you know how often my cries for help go ignored? Do you know how much deeper I sink into that dark place, needing someone to distract me or ask me what's up, and genuinely wanting to help doesn't come. And it's not easy to face that silence. More defeaning than not having reached out at all, and marinated yourself in that emoness solo.

    I haven't been around much lately. I've had to remove myself for fear of what I may reveal when feeling weak on the silence front. Please, dm me, email me, any time. It would never be a burden and I get that shit almost straight away because it's directed AT me. I am always happy to listen and consume copious amounts of sparkly drinks so we can shit magic together. Lots and lots of *hugs* for you my dear dear friend. I care.

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  14. Kia kaha, sweetpea. Maori for "stay strong". x

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  15. Oh Glow. At least your shit sparkles. I understand where you are coming from and I hope your trip away helps clear your head x

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  16. I see you, over there Glowers. Sending you my love .. hey, I bought you a tin of those bandaids you wanted! Will swap you some for some glitter ... fuck knows my non-alcoholic drinks need sparkling up.  xx

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  17. I hate my thoughts right now so I am clinging to Twitter and freaking Enid Blyton books to block them out.  Last year I would have been drinking to shut them up but I dont do that anymore. (WHY???)

    I do that "taking on another's personality" thing to. If there is an accent it will become my accent, syntax becomes my syntax, mannerisms become mine too.  What is with that?  Its weird, but you're not alone in it.

    And most importantly, you are ONLY 30. I'm 42 and I dont have my shit together, and I'm not expecting to anytime soon.

    I missed your phishing for compliments, so here goes: there's nothing wrong with you at all. I think you're awesome and if I ever met you I would still think you were awesome. But you might think that it was yourself talking to you.

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  18. Oh love I get it too. I'm a true extrovert living with a bipolar husband. When things aren't good here they are really really very bad :s Sending you lots of love and hope you are able to soak in some joy very soon.

    Meanwhile here's a weird thought. If you and I were alone together and I became you and you became me then who would we be?

    xox

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  19. I have no awesome nugget of wisdom.  Just wanted to tell you that I understand and I think more people than we realize understand as well.

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  20. sparkly glitter shit? That's fancy.  You should try spraying air freshener straight in your mouth, or eating a kilo of rose petals.  That way, your shit won't stick.

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  21. Becoming someone elses emotions - I get that. It's like I become a chameleon and absorb someone else's colour. I hear you - it's a tough gig being emo. But it makes you alive, smart and able to feel for others. Good qualities. Hope you feel all sparkly soon.

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  22. EDIBLE GLITTER IN WINE!?! You are a fucking genius!

    I love you.  Never forget that.

    x

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  23. You know my number! Always be on the other end boosting your self-worth whenever you need it. Maybe it's time for another evening on the cocktails xxx

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  24. You can soak in my bath. I'm always happy. It was a long road, but I made it. And now it comes naturally. Shit doesn't always get together by a certain time, but if you aim where you want to go and surround yourself with what you want when you can, it helps. You can put glitter in the bath if you want!

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  25. I've felt it before; hang in there mate... Even acknowledging and writing about it is half the battle. All will be well, surround yourself with those who love you unconditionally - it will help you to be able to eventually do the same xx

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  26. Everyone has such moments when everything seems dark but you know what? The longer you stay there, the harder you will come out of the hole!

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  27. I so want sparely wine! I too have been wrapped up in my own warped thoughts lately. I don't get emo though, I get stabby so becoming a unicorn might not be wise. You are totally awesome by the way & more than welcome to morph into me any day. We could be all stabby together. xx

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  28. Leanne Shea LangdownFebruary 10, 2012 at 12:01 PM

    Even when you're Emo you write bloody good posts.  We've all got an inner Emo ... at least you can recognise yours.  Hope you managed to have a sparkly week! Unicorn poos and all ...
    Hugs
    L

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  29. Karen - Cup and SaucerFebruary 10, 2012 at 1:02 PM

    Hey Glowless. Is that true? Will your shit sparkle? That's an awesome trick! Hope this week treats you better!

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  30. I write it all. I just don't publish. It's like a diary I suppose. Love you xxx

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  31. Wow that must be tough. Really tough. I'm lucky that Map Guy is really stable - well, as stable as one can be around me.

    And if we turned in to each other? Well we'd both still be awesome x

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  32. Glitter in the bath?!?! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

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