Oh, Facebook, you shit me to tears

I'm all for rules, terms, conditions, guidelines, what have you, but if you pick and choose when they apply rather than have a blanket approach, well that is when I get a bit picky.

Once again, Facebook is doing my head in.

Now before you go screaming that it is a free service and I should just shut up, I'm talking about a paid section of the 'book. Boosting and advertising.

Recently I was asked to promote a Facebook competition for the online maternity and breastfeeding store, Milk and Love. Coincidentally only a week or two earlier I had been looking at their store and drooling over the waterfall cardigan, so I was all "YA HUH! I LOVE YOUR CARDIGANS! I'LL DO IT!".

The lovely Corryn, who had just given birth about two seconds earlier and is trying to run a business with a newborn permanently attached to her, kindly sent me my drooled-after cardi along with the image to promote with her target demographic for me to "boost" to. There was never going to be a blog post, or Instagram, orTweet, just one Facebook post with a paid boost (paid to Facebook).

Within minutes of putting it up, we hit a snag. I got notification that my boost had been rejected because:

"it violates Facebook's Ad Guidelines by using profanity or addressing the age, gender, physical condition, or sexual orientation of users on Facebook."

I am a potty mouth from way back. So what horrid profanity had I used? Boobs. BOOBS! 

In the context that I said I was about to re-learn breastfeeding which sometimes means boobs everywhere and that I liked the idea of a stylish way to cover up until I got the hang of it again. 

Seriously, it is nipples akimbo in those first few weeks for me! 

Are you kidding me?! How is the word "boobs" a profanity when there are 1000+ pages on Facebook with boobs in the title? The counter stops at 1000, so for all I know there are hundreds of thousands. You can have a so-called profanity as your page name but not in the text of an ad?! What?!

Let's also see that the cover picture for all of the pages that come up on the front page of the search have more boob than you'll ever see breastfeeding, and the top result shows areola and a few show nipple through a sheer/wet top. But let's call the cops because I said boob and had three fully dressed women in a picture.

I resubmitted the ad, with the wording slightly changed (sans boobs) and the boost was rejected AGAIN, this time for having more than 20% of the space as text. They measure 20% VERY differently to any other company I've ever met, but that is a different story.

For the record, when I queried both rejections Facebook would only talk to me about the 20% and ignored my request for information on the rejection of the word "boobs". Thanks for that.

So I find myself in the awkward position of not being able to promote the post in the way I agreed I would for a company that I like, run by a woman who right now can't just drop everything to change a graphic. The more pressing issue of changing newborn nappies and feeding and trying to get a wink of sleep trumps all that.

Instead, I'll promote it here:

If you're in the market for some awesome maternity and breastfeeding threads from an Australian online store, head over to Milk and Love (and enter the competition through their Facebook page). When you're there you can also ask questions of Katie, a midwife and International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, or check out the blog posts and breastfeeding FAQs. Much more than just an online shop.

You go do that while I rage away at the way "boobs" are allowed on Facebook when they are for perving at, but when I try to even use the word in a breastfeeding sense and PAY for it, I get in trouble.

The Facebook Friend Conundrum

Over the years I've been on Facebook I've had my fair share of profile pictures.

When Tricks was born I put a photo of him up for the first two weeks so people could see that the little dude had arrived. Then I did it again during his first Christmas for a couple of days and again for a week when I photoshopped a microphone in to his hand and made him a rock star baby. Because, hello, everyone needs to see my mad photoshopping skills and our true blue, bogan roots.

I love youse all!

I have a little bit of an issue with people just putting their kids as their profile picture all the damn time. I want to scream at them "YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR CHILDREN! DON'T LOSE YOUR IDENTITY" but getting all capslock cranky on someone's picture is deemed inappropriate and sure as shit will lead to an instant defriending.

I know, I know, your kid is adorable but c'mon, you are still a person ya know? Your definition is more than just mother/father.

Now despite this, honestly I couldn't really care less if you use your kid as your pic, do whatever floats your boat... unless of course you send me a friend invite and I have no freaking clue who you are, we have no mutual friends and any time we've had anything to do with each other you only referred to yourself by your relatively common first name. Who the hell are you? Help me out here!

And just so we're clear I'm not a child-hating "get your baby off Facebook" person, I think the same thing if your picture is a pet. Or a motorbike. Or an *insert other inanimate object here*.

So Christina Smith*, if you're reading this... I have no idea who you are. I'm sure you're lovely, but from your closed profile all I can tell is that you are a rather cute two year old boy with dimples that will break hearts one day. If by chance you're reading this, gimme a heads up, OK?

*Not her real name. Which totally doesn't help if she is reading this. Also, I'm very good at making up false names - Smith! Original!

10 Reasons Why I I'm Not Your Facebook Friend

Facebook. Hrmmm. I have a love hate relationship with the 'book. I recently did a huge cull of "friends" and freely admit to be being too chicken to delete more.

For some of the defriends, these were my top ten reasons.

1. We went to school together and we weren't friends then, definitely aren't friends now, and are highly unlikely to actually be proper friends at any point in the future. It was nice to get on and have a look at how fat/skinny you are and how cute/fugly your children are, but it's time to put it behind us. However, if you transition to Twitter, let's be BFFs.

2. Every single update is emo and attention seeking. I get it, really I do. Sometimes you need to vent about how shit your life is. Heaven forbid that I, the ultra crazy gal, would deny anyone the right to talk about their mental health or lack there of. But if it's all you write, it's a bit of a downer. Get a therapist.

3. You bitch and moan about how little money you have thanks to your deadbeat ex who never pays child support and ask for people to lend you petrol money, then post pictures of your brand new Great Dane puppy from your brand new iPhone while you're getting a pedicure.

4. You mention, in detail, your child's toilet habits. I don't enjoy dealing with my own child's shit, why would I want to hear about yours' in all it's festery detail. The same goes for "Yay Ashlynella-Lou just did poo in the potty!". I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! If you put a photo up, Google God help you because I will hunt you down.

5. I don't actually know who you are. If you blog under a pseudonym and then add me under your real name I simply have no clue who the hell you are. Same goes for if we met at a party and spoke for all of five minutes. I don't add randoms - that is what Twitter is for.

6. You fill up my feed with your latest and greatest cold/flu/sinus infection/ear infection. Does the word hypochondria mean anything to you? No? Look it up, your photo is there. If you really are that sick then I suggest skipping the GP and heading straight to a major hospital because it's obvious you have some sort of diabolical immune disorder.

7. You send me requests for farm animals/plants/potions. It's bad enough that you fill up my feed with all this crap but you make it ten times worse when you send me a personal message asking for a freaking spanner to repair your coffee machine in a cafe game. The only fucking spanner I'm going to give you is one to shove up your arse. Go to a real cafe like a normal person.

8. You comment on every single one of my status updates and photos. The sanctity of Facebook revolves around how easy it is to stalk people - you're doing it wrong if you make it so bloody obvious. It is entirely too freaky if you comment multiple times on a single photo of my son. I know he's cute, I'm his mother. Plus I have an entire blog full of information, why stalk on Facebook when it's all right here?

9. You publicly chuck a hissy fit when someone deletes you, even though you weren't really friends to start with. Then you turn around and delete people a week later saying you simply don't want to share everything with everyone and would people please grow up, it's not the end of the world. HYPOCRITE!

10. You ask information you should be finding out through more appropriate means. Facebook is not for street directions, movie reviews, weather updates or the seeking of medical advice so stop requesting it. That is what Google, and to a lesser extent a doctor, is for. Every time you ask your "friends" if your symptoms require a trip to the hospital, a puppy dies. True story.

Why aren't you a Facebook friend?

The Dreaded Unfollow

There's some rather childish stuff going on in the world of Facebook at the moment. Shock, horror! Facebookians being childish?! Well I never.

As a result I don't really go on my private account very much and have limited what most people can see. And yes, I'm aware of just how counter productive that sounds considering I put my whole life on a blog. But I reserve the right to be contradictory mmkay?

Instead I spend all my time on Twitter. It's way better. Don't ask me about Google+ just yet, I've only been on there twice.

Ding ding!

Yes it's confusing when you start, but right when you get over the whole "I'm talking to myself" thing is when someone will actually start talking back and, hey presto, you've got some new mates.

The difference between the two, for me, is that it all comes down to The Dreaded Unfollow! You Facebookians would know it as The Dreaded De-Friend! Dun dun duuuuuun.

You see, when you're on Facebook you go about your merry way and your friends list stays the same unless you go in and manually remove someone (or they remove you...). With Twitter though, there is random unfollows.

It's like Twitter goes premenstrual and just ditches some of your best mates without asking you and then demands a kilo block of chocolate and a Drew Barrymore flick.

Now even though everyone knows this happens, I still get that sinking feeling every time it's brought to my attention with a "I tried to DM you but you're not following me..." Always with the ellipses, like it's just hanging there waiting for the YOU BITCH I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN to be tacked on the end.

My head starts to spin: They'll think I don't like them! Will they now unfollow me now? Have I offended them? OMG they're gonna think I'm a snobby cow! Noooo!

Oh the shame! What happens next is a quick dance of re-following, public damning of twitter and assuring said person that it was definitely just a glitch in the matrix system.

All the time knowing that when it happens the other way around, yes I do wonder what happened, then shrug my shoulders and think mah, it's the internet, real life is what matters.

Do you panic when you've found yourself victim of The Dreaded Unfollow/De-Friend?