On Saturday I put the call out on my Facebook page for advice. Because that is what Facebook is for these days since it obviously isn't for promoting blogs to real people any more, not even when you pay *grumble grumble*. I was meant to be going to a murder mystery party as Bette Davis and didn't know whether to go young and glam (like Bette in Jezebel) or old and insane (like Bette in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?).
My initial urge, the one felt deep down next to my foofu valve, was to go old and ugly just because it would give me a chance to whip out my makeup kit again. It's been a while since I stopped taking on makeup clients but I still have all the cool stuff. Plus if I make myself look ugly with makeup, when I take it off I look fucking gorgeous in comparison.
You lot came to the party with the vast majority voting for old and ugly. I love youse guise!
An hour is all it takes to turn me from a 30 year old to an old and insane Baby Jane. I had a head start on the insane, obviously. I put these photos on Instagram (follow me for more fugmo pictures) and managed to scare a few of you. You're welcome.
I practiced the facial expressions for ages, so can we all just appreciate the grumpy I'm-batshit-crazy-and-am-going-to-run-you-over-with-my-car glare for a moment?
So how do you turn yourself in to Baby Jane Hudson? In 9 simple steps! (Click on the pics for larger, scarier pics - do so at your own risk).
2. Put a metric fucktonne of full coverage foundation on in a colour that is a few shades too light - Baby Jane makeup is packed on because that bitch was crazy. It didn't come across too well in my selfies but my new found ability to raise one eyebrow did so it's still a win.
3. With a brown liquid makeup (I used Ben Nye wet/dry theatre makeup but you can use brown eyeliner or even a matte eyeshadow & water), start drawing in some lines with a fine brush to create shadows. To know where they go, pull faces and draw in the lines you create! Lift your eyebrows, BAM forehead wrinkles, scrunch your nose, BAM eyebrow wrinkles, squint, BAM crows feet. You are guaranteed to look like a tool while you do it.
4. Make the lines even darker then stop to Instagram the shit out of your new look. Poke your head around the corner where your husband is cooking dinner and say "Have a sneak peek at your future, honeybuns!"
5. Add a shed load of black eyeliner to the top and bottom lids. I used Ben Nye wet/dry theatre makeup again but any eyeliner will do. If it smudges, that's OK! This bitch is cray cray and it will just help the look.
6. Add false lashes. I used the biggest pair of black lashes I could find on the top because I was going for a caricature look. Falsies on the lower lashes are perfect for this look but if you don't have them, draw some on with black liquid eyeliner.
7. Add a bright blush to the apples of your cheeks only, as if you're dressing up as some aging cupie doll... oh wait, you ARE! Then grab a red lip liner and give yourself exaggerated lips - yes, draw outside the line, it will feel gross but it is for the greater good - smoosh on some red lippy over the top for good measure and don't forget your beauty mark (even though it isn't visible in the stock photo above it is in the film).
8. Get wiggy with it. Pin the sides back slightly to create the bouffant mullet look that old Jane preferred.
9. Add extra crazy for good measure.
VOILA! You are now Baby Jane Hudson and will harbour the urge to overshadow your sister!
As an extra step, when you get to the party where you've only met three of the other guests before and 90% of the people have never even heard of the character you're dressed up as, be sure to loudly declare "I'M NORMALLY MUCH LESS UGLY!". If nothing else it means they'll back away and leave you next to the food table alone.
Do you go all out for fancy dress parties?