19 Resolutions for 2019

I haven't done any New Year's Resolutions for what seems like forever. Nothing official, anyway. There's always the same ol' "do better" bullshit that lasts a few days, but I'm going to toy with the idea of writing shit down to see if it magically keeps me accountable.

But my Resolutions are not going to be the type that shame the current me (or you, which I ridiculously have to say because INTERNET - just because I'm saying I want to do something doesn't mean I'm automatically judging you for NOT wanting to do it. OK? Are we clear? Because the hate mail that comes with a blog is a HUGE reason why I don't update this very much).

So, where was I? Ah, yes. Resolutions. Things to hopefully tick off as another year zooms by.

19 Resolutions for 2019

1. Stream of Consciousness Journaling
I have done this before years ago and recently restarted after a little mini yoga retreat. It was confronting, cathartic and empowering. Setting the clock for ten minutes and just writing out all the rubbish in my head.

2. Weekly Scheduling
It is boring AF but I want a washing day. A clean sheet day. I want it all planned out and I want to tackle it in a no excuses way. We have sports days and library days already, so it isn't a lofty goal. The issue is my champion procrastination skills getting in the way. A super pretty calendar will help, yeah?

3. Meditate and Breathe
I've been using Headspace and Kardia a little bit over the last few months and I want this to continue but in a more regular fashion. I introduced it to my little stresshead Tricky, too, so perhaps we can set aside time each week to do it together. With Bobbin in full time school in 2019 (wait, what?) I can do it solo too.

4. Yoga
I have dipped in and out of the Yoga pool over the years, doing it through pregnancies and in between, and always found that because I'm so bendy I tend to overstretch to feel anything. So I'd like to start doing Yoga, even if it's just joining in with the Cosmic Kids Yoga I make Tricky and Bobbin do, and listen more to my body as it is happening. Don't over do it just because I can.

5. Martial Arts
I have been doing Freestyle Martial Arts for 18 months now. Woah. Did anyone think I'd stay at it this long!? Not I! I had a few months off with a torn calf muscle (OUCH!) that saw me on crutches and off to physio for a while, and I'm out right now with torn ankle ligaments but I am aiming for my green belt this year. The belt is more psychological for me than anything because I still don't feel like I deserve to be a blue. I'm not a great blue belt, but I have passed every test to get there and train twice a week, yet I can't shake this imposter syndrome. Not giving up, training harder... that's gotta help, right?

6. Buy Less Shit
I'm a frugal gal by nature. I don't buy expensive clothes or shoes (my sandals are seven years old), because I'm just not in to fashion. I can look at the beautiful people and appreciate their aesthetic, double tap to like their frock, but I generally don't go out and buy it. I find it such a waste of money. My downfall is cheap shit. Bargains that I don't need. I'm aiming to make more conscious spending choices this year, which may end up meaning the things I do buy are more expensive but higher quality and will last.

7. De Clutter
I haven't gone through the kids' wardrobes since we moved house. Bobbin has a bunch of crop tops that look on trend, but are actually just two sizes too small. Getting to this before winter is a must.

8. Organise The Garage
There isn't too much in the way of storage in our house and that's a good thing because it means less crap. We have had to be ruthless and I love that we don't have as much "stuff" anymore. I've added a little storage; some shelves here, a hook there, but I want to tackle the garage. I need shelving for the long term no touch items - like Christmas decorations, seven years of tax receipts and that sort of thing. I have a drill and I'm not afraid to use it. It will be done. There will much Instagramming of me holding said drill.

9. Sleep
I let y'all know that I had a sleep study recently and the results were absolutely atrocious. Well, the good news is I've got a sleep apnoea machine now. My Continuous Positive Airway Pressure or CPAP machine sits next to my bed and I am vowing to use it every night. The only night I have missed so far was when I didn't actually go to bed, so that doesn't count. I have so much more energy, and my circadian rhythms are even starting to even out. I do have about twenty years of sleep debt to catch up on, so I'm still a little bit tired, but waking up feeling refreshed is EARTH SHATTERING AMAZING. After the first night I said to MapGuy "I can see in colour now" and I meant it. Everything is brighter. I am hoping it continues to improve from here too. I'm still embarrassed, but I need to keep going.

10. Get Closer To Nature 
The past twelve months I've been booking the kids in to nature camps and trying to facilitate their love and respect for the environment and as a result it has encouraged MapGuy and I even more. We've always been big recyclers, but now we are better recyclers (making trips to the local recycling centre to take all those things that don't go in the general recycling bin), have two thriving worm farms, and of course the beloved Spiny Leaf Insects. But I want more! I really want to head out to the lake more often, to cycle around it and just see what is there; how it changes over the seasons. Visit the beach and watch the sunset just because. The kids play outside a lot, but I'm always inside. I need to get out.

11. Less Phone Time
I have my head buried in my phone too much. I use it as a distraction tool when I'm feeling overwhelmed, which is fine, but then it becomes habit to pick it up. Randomly scrolling through Facebook turns in to clicking an article, then another, and another. Looking at Instagram is no big deal... but then I'll log on to my work accounts to check them and get distracted doing work things when I should be present in the moment. My phone is usually always on silent and most notifications are off - only text messages get through, so I just have to PUT IT DOWN.

12. New Pet
I don't know if this really counts as a resolution, but I definitely want it to happen! I have had my eye on a new pet for about twelve months. It's a Bearded Dragon. They are the cutest little things and I was lucky enough to hold one recently and it absolutely cemented my love. They are cute and quirky, which puts it right up my alley. I have to get a license, so that is the first step. It's pretty down there in terms of priorities, so if it doesn't happen it won't be awful, but it is on the list.

13. Finish The Home Office
Our master bedroom in the new house is a big one with a small walk in robe, so to better use the space we added a wall of wardrobes and I've turned the walk in robe in to a little office. I have a desk and some drawers, plus some organizational tubs just crying out for new stationery, heh.

14. Become More Active In The Buy Nothing Community
I'm an admin on my local Buy Nothing page because I love the concept so much. Making community bonds stronger while clearing my house of unused bits and pieces. Win win! I want to put more things on the page to give away after the big de-clutter works.

15. Go To The Dentist
It's been a few years. Oops. With all the dental work MapGuy needed after his bike crash, then finding out this year that after zero issues with his baby teeth that Tricky's adult teeth are coming in without enamel and will need ongoing work (and has already been under GA to have a crown to stop any further deterioration of one tooth, the poor thing), I put myself on the back burner. Because mum life amiright? I WILL GO THIS YEAR. Just as soon as I save some money.

16. Eat Less Meat
I'm not becoming vegetarian by any stretch of the imagination, but eating less meat is great for the environment so I want to do that. We generally try for Meatless Monday, but I think we need to throw in a few extras, too. I'm not the head chef here, so this suggestion was MG's as he's the one who will be doing it. I am boring with food and he likes it a little more exotic, so he cooks!

17. Shout Less
I am a shouter, I admit. I can keep my cool, and very nicely discipline my children most of the time, but at least once a day I can get a bit shouty. I parent a lot with sarcasm, which is probably not fabulous either, but let's focus on one thing at a time. I'm hoping the meditation can help with this, and the CPAP machine is already helping because a tired Glow is a shouty Glow. I went to a parenting seminar last year and it was very reaffirming in that I'm doing a pretty good job in the non-shouty times.

18. Eat More Mindfully
I'm not going to promise myself to eat less sugar or carbs, or just less food, because hello it's me. I did give up sugar once and the results were fab, but food is also a huge tool for me when I'm stressed so just saying I won't eat xyz anymore is not an option. I want to eat more mindfully though. Recognize when I'm stress-eating or binge-eating and instead of beating myself up, perhaps bring in a more appropriate coping mechanism. A bad day will end in me eating an entire block of chocolate, so this year I'd like to have a bit of chocolate, then stop, recognize the thoughts, whip out the journal, flick on the meditation app, have a bath, do something other than finish the entire block. Even if that means only having half that will be a win.

19. Cycle More
We are so lucky to live less than 2km from the kid's school and whilst we can't cycle every day due to needing to go straight from school to sport after school, but we can do it twice a week and I'd really like to make that a priority. Tricky rides his bike all around the suburb to his friends' houses but Bobbin is too young to go out solo, so I need to lift my game and go with her either on the bike or the scooter.

So there we have it. 19 for 2019. It's a challenge but also very doable. I figure if I can get through the shit of the past few years then I can get through at least some of the things well, and maybe even half arse the rest.

Do you make resolutions?

10 things that prove I'm old

I went to a Courtney Love concert recently and she absolutely rocked it. It was AMAZING. When she played Violet, I was so happy I almost cried. Then she mentioned that the album it was from, Live Through This, is twenty years old. Way to make me feel old, Courts. Oh wait, you're 50? Well then.

I had Live Through This on an illegally dubbed cassette my friend gave me. I used to listen to it for hours on end and my angsty teen self would be all "Fuck yeah, I'm gonna be a rock star and take loads of drugs... if it wasn't for all this Catholic guilt. Ima just go study and play my saxophone instead".

Hearing that the album that defined my teen years was two decades old got me thinking about all the things that I do now that 13 year old Glow would roll her eyes at. 10 things that PROVE I'm old now:

1. I'm totally in to gardening now. We have a veggie patch where we grow carrots, cherry tomatoes, onions, strawberries, lettuce and chili, and a herb garden with basil, rosemary and parsley. I'm planting beans soon and I am genuinely excited by this. I potter around in it most days, snipping off dried leaves, spraying some fancy pants bio organic caterpillar napalm and picking off snails to throw over the neighbour's fence. I happy dance every time I harvest anything. Actually, I'm dancing now because I got to use the word harvest.

2. Staying home is lovely. Saturday night, on the couch, sipping wine, eating cheese and watching a movie with MapGuy is a bloody awesome night in my books. The idea of going to a club is daunting - the Courtney Love concert was at "Metros" and it was the first time I'd been inside a club in years. They are still grotty and dingy, so nothing much has changed.

3. I love the sunshine because the washing dries quicker (yet walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?" because I'm an asshole). I've even worked out how to set my washing machine to start at the crack of dawn so that the first load is ready to be hung out the moment I wake up. Because NO LIFE. Do you see how sad this is? "Hooray, the nappies will get a good sun bleach today!" is something all cloth mamas can relate to.

4. I strategically time when I go to the shops. I am totally one of those people now. Need something? The new catalogue is out but it doesn't start until tomorrow so I'll wait an extra day to save 13c. Then I'll buy six of whatever it is because OMG 13c off! BUY THEM ALL! I also refuse to go to shopping centres during school holidays because teenagers. Ick.

5. I avoid new technology. It confuses me. I defer all things techy to MapGuy and it won't be long before I'm asking Tricky how to do things. If something isn't working the way it should, besides doing a "power cycle" (totes the industry word for turning it off and on again), I am stuffed.

6. I screw up my nose at young people's "fashion" because a) I can't wear it without looking like a tragic try hard mutton dressed as lamb, and b) it's the exact same stuff I wore when I was your age. No, I'm serious. Everywhere I look it's like the members of Girlfriend have sprung up. Midriffs, print pants, hats. C'mon. It's Blossom central.

7. Life hacks excite me. OMG YOU HAVE TO SEE HOW TO FOLD SHIRTS IN TWO SECONDS. I found this recently and it has CHANGED MY LIFE (and is totally worthy of all caps). I used to fold shirts by holding it up with my chin, folding each side in, folding it in half and placing it down. Because some part of me wants my wardrobe to look like the shops or something. It took about ten seconds. But now? Jazz hands, baby, I'm saving eight seconds per shirt. BOOYAH. Yes, I'm sad. 




8. I enjoy the company of my parents. If I haven't seen them in a few days, I'll call them up to see if they want to go out for a coffee. This is possibly because they pay for the coffee and the extra sets of hands to look after the kids is fabulous, but I'd like to think that it means I'm mature. At least in some small way. Maybe I should stop laughing at dick jokes?

9. I sometimes Google slang words. I was in line behind some teenagers a couple years ago and one of them asked the other what YOLO meant. He didn't know. I felt so hip and cool that I knew. I had a "I'm totally one of those funky mamas who knows the lingo" moment. Then I realized that feeling that way and celebrating it meant that I was in NO WAY hip or cool.

10. I have no idea who the cool celebrities are. If I walk past a magazine rack and it says "Ariana's new 'do" I have no freaking clue who they are talking about. Who is Channing Tatum and why is everyone talking about him? I hear Channing and think of Rizzo and Kenicke. I'm so far out of the loop.

Basically, I've turned in to my mother. I don't mind getting older, because you know, the alternative is dropping off the perch. But it's quite clear I'm no spring chicken. And I like it.

What makes you feel old?

Baby Jane Makeup Tutorial

{alternatively titled: look, I made myself super ugly}

On Saturday I put the call out on my Facebook page for advice. Because that is what Facebook is for these days since it obviously isn't for promoting blogs to real people any more, not even when you pay *grumble grumble*. I was meant to be going to a murder mystery party as Bette Davis and didn't know whether to go young and glam (like Bette in Jezebel) or old and insane (like Bette in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?).

My initial urge, the one felt deep down next to my foofu valve, was to go old and ugly just because it would give me a chance to whip out my makeup kit again. It's been a while since I stopped taking on makeup clients but I still have all the cool stuff. Plus if I make myself look ugly with makeup, when I take it off I look fucking gorgeous in comparison.

You lot came to the party with the vast majority voting for old and ugly. I love youse guise!

An hour is all it takes to turn me from a 30 year old to an old and insane Baby Jane. I had a head start on the insane, obviously. I put these photos on Instagram (follow me for more fugmo pictures) and managed to scare a few of you. You're welcome.

I practiced the facial expressions for ages, so can we all just appreciate the grumpy I'm-batshit-crazy-and-am-going-to-run-you-over-with-my-car glare for a moment?

So how do you turn yourself in to Baby Jane Hudson? In 9 simple steps! (Click on the pics for larger, scarier pics - do so at your own risk).

1. Start with a blank palate. This is also called your face if you're not a wanker. Pin your hair back

2. Put a metric fucktonne of full coverage foundation on in a colour that is a few shades too light - Baby Jane makeup is packed on because that bitch was crazy. It didn't come across too well in my selfies but my new found ability to raise one eyebrow did so it's still a win.

3. With a brown liquid makeup (I used Ben Nye wet/dry theatre makeup but you can use brown eyeliner or even a matte eyeshadow & water), start drawing in some lines with a fine brush to create shadows. To know where they go, pull faces and draw in the lines you create! Lift your eyebrows, BAM forehead wrinkles, scrunch your nose, BAM eyebrow wrinkles, squint, BAM crows feet. You are guaranteed to look like a tool while you do it.

4. Make the lines even darker then stop to Instagram the shit out of your new look. Poke your head around the corner where your husband is cooking dinner and say "Have a sneak peek at your future, honeybuns!"

5. Add a shed load of black eyeliner to the top and bottom lids. I used Ben Nye wet/dry theatre makeup again but any eyeliner will do. If it smudges, that's OK! This bitch is cray cray and it will just help the look.

6. Add false lashes. I used the biggest pair of black lashes I could find on the top because I was going for a caricature look. Falsies on the lower lashes are perfect for this look but if you don't have them, draw some on with black liquid eyeliner.

 

7. Add a bright blush to the apples of your cheeks only, as if you're dressing up as some aging cupie doll... oh wait, you ARE! Then grab a red lip liner and give yourself exaggerated lips - yes, draw outside the line, it will feel gross but it is for the greater good - smoosh on some red lippy over the top for good measure and don't forget your beauty mark (even though it isn't visible in the stock photo above it is in the film).

8. Get wiggy with it. Pin the sides back slightly to create the bouffant mullet look that old Jane preferred.

9. Add extra crazy for good measure.

VOILA! You are now Baby Jane Hudson and will harbour the urge to overshadow your sister!

As an extra step, when you get to the party where you've only met three of the other guests before and 90% of the people have never even heard of the character you're dressed up as, be sure to loudly declare "I'M NORMALLY MUCH LESS UGLY!". If nothing else it means they'll back away and leave you next to the food table alone.

Do you go all out for fancy dress parties?

Kickin' it old school - toddler style

Tricky has been going to Jump 'n' Jive for half an hour most weeks for the last school term. It's the exact same thing as Laugh 'n' Learn, Romp 'n' Stomp, Wiggle 'n' Giggle and Dance 'n' Prance. In fact, in order to hold a successful toddler dance program it appears that all you need is alliteration, rhyming and a disproportionate number of apostrophes. Oh, and a Hi5 CD.

Every week I go along and every week I feel like the biggest dick in the world as I jump and/or jive along to the music pretending to be a rocket ship, a robot, a clown or whatever the hell it is this week.

As I fall over my own feet and almost crash in to people pretending to be pirates I look around the room and notice that all the other mums and grandmothers not only know all the dance moves, but all the bloody words to the songs, too. I mean it took me six whole weeks to realize the monster had six dirty ears not six thirty ears. I don't even know what six thirty ears means and yet I could swear that is what the song said.

If the class was split by skill level then then I'd be put in a group by myself. Maybe they'd put the nanna who has emphysema and can't shake her groove thing without knocking some kid out cold with her oxygen cylinder with me. You know, to bring down their liability insurance.

Now don't get me wrong, I can sing along to and do all the actions of the Flippy Floppy Scarecrow like nobody's business. Ditto for Miss Munchausens Miss Polly and the rest of the old school songs. But as soon as The Wiggles or Hi5 come on I'm lost and find myself muttering 'kids today' under my breath. I can't even have Hi5 on in the house without thinking that someone spiked the channel 9 water cooler with crack.

So Tricky and I prefer to kick it old school with our nursery rhymes. Plus some of our toys. Yes, I know, I know, it looks like I shoved a toaster on my kid's head but I promise you I didn't. He bloody loves his robot hat, and, just quietly, he does the best robot dance you've ever seen... along to a Hi5 song!

Are you old school with your kids? You know, when you put the iPad down?

You know you're getting old when...

I hit the big 3-0 recently. Well sorta recently. OK, OK, it was last year. But it was late last year so it's still possible for me to say recently (shuddup).

By my standards, I'm not old. By a sixteen year old's I'm probably ancient. I have all the signs of ageing maturity on my face now; wrinkles, pigmentation, and a scowl that says "Don't fuck with me, I've worked too hard to get here to deal with your shit".

So how do you know you're getting old? Well...

1. You stop being referred to as 'the girl' and start being called 'the lady' as in "Watch out for the lady" and "Give the money to the lady". I ain't no lady
2. You squeeze your pelvic floor muscles in preparation for a sneeze... you know, just in case
3. You start appreciating the value of money and go from "these shoes are a whole week's rent, aren't they faaaaabulous?!" to "I got this top on sale!"
4. You think a night in with a bottle of wine and some cheese is much more fun than a night out at a pub
5. You find drinking a cup of tea/coffee/hot chocolate, in a really nice cup, a fantastic way to unwind
   
   
6. Your once proportional body disappears and fat starts lingering around your mid section changing your muffin-top to a whole-fucking-bakery-top
7. You pack away your g-strings and replace them with industrial strength iron underwear to suck you in
8. You tune in religiously to Grand Designs and swoon over Kevin McCloud. Mmmmm Kevin
9. You turn on the radio and think "What the hell is this rubbish?" and immediately put on a CD
10. You suddenly find it overwhelming to adjust to new technology and changes, requiring the instruction of a primary school student to figure out how to work the media centre

Can you relate? How do you know you're getting old?