Baby Jane Makeup Tutorial

{alternatively titled: look, I made myself super ugly}

On Saturday I put the call out on my Facebook page for advice. Because that is what Facebook is for these days since it obviously isn't for promoting blogs to real people any more, not even when you pay *grumble grumble*. I was meant to be going to a murder mystery party as Bette Davis and didn't know whether to go young and glam (like Bette in Jezebel) or old and insane (like Bette in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?).

My initial urge, the one felt deep down next to my foofu valve, was to go old and ugly just because it would give me a chance to whip out my makeup kit again. It's been a while since I stopped taking on makeup clients but I still have all the cool stuff. Plus if I make myself look ugly with makeup, when I take it off I look fucking gorgeous in comparison.

You lot came to the party with the vast majority voting for old and ugly. I love youse guise!

An hour is all it takes to turn me from a 30 year old to an old and insane Baby Jane. I had a head start on the insane, obviously. I put these photos on Instagram (follow me for more fugmo pictures) and managed to scare a few of you. You're welcome.

I practiced the facial expressions for ages, so can we all just appreciate the grumpy I'm-batshit-crazy-and-am-going-to-run-you-over-with-my-car glare for a moment?

So how do you turn yourself in to Baby Jane Hudson? In 9 simple steps! (Click on the pics for larger, scarier pics - do so at your own risk).

1. Start with a blank palate. This is also called your face if you're not a wanker. Pin your hair back

2. Put a metric fucktonne of full coverage foundation on in a colour that is a few shades too light - Baby Jane makeup is packed on because that bitch was crazy. It didn't come across too well in my selfies but my new found ability to raise one eyebrow did so it's still a win.

3. With a brown liquid makeup (I used Ben Nye wet/dry theatre makeup but you can use brown eyeliner or even a matte eyeshadow & water), start drawing in some lines with a fine brush to create shadows. To know where they go, pull faces and draw in the lines you create! Lift your eyebrows, BAM forehead wrinkles, scrunch your nose, BAM eyebrow wrinkles, squint, BAM crows feet. You are guaranteed to look like a tool while you do it.

4. Make the lines even darker then stop to Instagram the shit out of your new look. Poke your head around the corner where your husband is cooking dinner and say "Have a sneak peek at your future, honeybuns!"

5. Add a shed load of black eyeliner to the top and bottom lids. I used Ben Nye wet/dry theatre makeup again but any eyeliner will do. If it smudges, that's OK! This bitch is cray cray and it will just help the look.

6. Add false lashes. I used the biggest pair of black lashes I could find on the top because I was going for a caricature look. Falsies on the lower lashes are perfect for this look but if you don't have them, draw some on with black liquid eyeliner.

 

7. Add a bright blush to the apples of your cheeks only, as if you're dressing up as some aging cupie doll... oh wait, you ARE! Then grab a red lip liner and give yourself exaggerated lips - yes, draw outside the line, it will feel gross but it is for the greater good - smoosh on some red lippy over the top for good measure and don't forget your beauty mark (even though it isn't visible in the stock photo above it is in the film).

8. Get wiggy with it. Pin the sides back slightly to create the bouffant mullet look that old Jane preferred.

9. Add extra crazy for good measure.

VOILA! You are now Baby Jane Hudson and will harbour the urge to overshadow your sister!

As an extra step, when you get to the party where you've only met three of the other guests before and 90% of the people have never even heard of the character you're dressed up as, be sure to loudly declare "I'M NORMALLY MUCH LESS UGLY!". If nothing else it means they'll back away and leave you next to the food table alone.

Do you go all out for fancy dress parties?

Help! I don't want to lose my Feedburner subscribers!

Can you hear that? It's the collective sound of bloggers all around the world pulling their hair out trying to figure out what the hell is going on with Feedburner.

If you've logged in to yours in the last few days you'll see your subscribers are at 0. Or BIG FAT ZERO NO FRIENDS as I've dubbed it.

I have no idea what is happening because for every article I read about it there is another one with opposite information. It's doing my head in. Is it going to be shut down completely? Will it just not be updated? Is it just the API being discontinued? What does API even meeeeaaaaaaan?

Mostly what I can hear are the mournful screams "WHERE HAVE ALL MY SUBSCRIBERS GONE?"

Relax. Despite the BIG FAT ZERO NO FRIENDS thing, the details of the people who subscribed by email are still there. But I have no idea how long they'll be there for so I'd suggest you go backup your email subscribers now.

How to backup your Feedburner email subscription 

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 3:

Save that CSV file somewhere safe! When you open it (with excel or similar) you'll see it's the email addresses of your lovely subscribers that you can now port over to whichever service you choose to use. Or email them to tell them you've stopped hyperventilating.

Even if this whole thing settles down, your numbers come back and the collective trichotillomania ceases, having a backup isn't a bad thing.

Are you freaking out?

How to use chalk to colour your hair

One of the annoying things about having a dark hair colour is that colouring the tips is major pain in the arse involving bleach, strange orange colours and normally, for me, ends up looking like I've just dipped the ends in a bucket of vomit.

But there is a way! Hair chalking!

I tried it out with some subtle pink (well, it's subtle next to my purple at least) and really liked it so decided to go contrasting blue too:

Ever heard of it? It's been big in the US for a while and is gaining popularity over here rapidly. So how do you do it? It's SO easy, just grab yourself some artist's chalks and go for it:

As you can see from the pic, I have heaps of vibrant colours in my chalk box and I can't wait to try them all out. You can also use eyeshadow pigments for this - I have some loose MAC colours from my days as a makeup artist so they'll be next on my list.

As soon as you've finished, clean the massive mess of chalk that has fallen around you or it might stain. It's also best not to wear your fave clothes or sleep on your expensive white pillowcase because the fallout is pretty bad.

It is really hard to style your hair afterwards because the chalked sections feel like they have half a can of hairspray in them... plus every time you touch it your hands will come away a little tainted. I ended up looking like I'd been inappropriately dealing with a Smurf.

Yet another downside to this is that if you do it more than a few times in a row it will seriously dry your hair out. Make sure you have a good conditioner on hand to repair! But for the price of a box of chalks ($10-15 at a local art store) it's a cheap way to get quick, vibrant, one-night colour.

Will you try chalking?