Wednesday, July 20, 2011

He Did What!? Wednesday - By The Armory

Man's Second Best Friend - By The Armory

I have no children. That’s right. Usually when I tell people this, they give me a sad little look and ask “Oh, you don’t like kids?” or “Oh, you accidentally boiled your sperm in a spa during a drunken key party?” Well, no. (And yes.) The actual reason I have no kids is because I have an elderly dog that’s closing in on 17 years of age, and let me tell you, that’s as near to a newborn child as I have the patience to be.

The similarities between the two are closer than you’d think. A fact I wasn’t aware of until I recently went to lunch with a friend who brought along her 1 year old. Granted, this child was probably the most well behaved child I’d ever seen, so this is probably not the greatest comparison in the world as my dog is more difficult than trying to enjoy Channel Ten’s primetime line-up.

He throws up his dinner at least 3 times a week, he has a weak bladder so he pees on my bed on a daily basis, and pretty much anywhere else he can hover his little doodle over. He leaves his little turdies all over the floor so you’ve gotta keep your eyes peeled at all times in case you tread on a chunk and leave brown Chuck Taylor prints all through the house. He wakes me up in the middle of the night with his crying because he can’t get comfortable on his bed, or he’s too cold, or he’s hungry, so I have to drag my lazy ass out of bed to tend to his every need. Then when I’ve finished making him happy he just goes right back to sleep while I sit there looking resentfully at him in the dark, entirely jealous of the fact that because he’s blind and deaf he can just block out the world around him and drop like a rock.

Once, I’m almost positive I saw him half smile at me when I tucked him back in bed, as if he has me wrapped around his little claw. Maybe I should start peeing in his shoes and stepping on his face at 2am, just to reaffirm with him who’s really in charge here.

I often wonder if maybe it’d be easier to have a child? At least you can dump them at school for 7 hours a day and send them off to sleepovers or sport training. I’m assuming that’s all there is to it...

Casper the bed wetting wonder dog
___ . . . ___ . . . ___

Real Jive Turkey aka Kim, is the pee in your pants funny blogger at The Armory.

He started stalking me a while ago and letting him post on here is the only way I can get him stop.

He is many things: Hilarious; politically incorrect; completely vain (Carly Simon sings about him); a trend setter, Woog obsessed; fluent in sarcasm; fashionista extraordinaire; Twitter whore; lover of saturated fat; endlessly inappropriate and always fun to be around. 

He wrote this post a few weeks ago and sadly the gorgeous Casper passed away on Saturday.

Much tweety love to you, dude xxx

Next week: It's time for a little Woog Action

Send your S/He Did What!? submissions to


  1. Oh, R.I.P Casper, who's gonna pee in his shoes now?

  2. I understand his gentleman loved his dog very much, and the dog was old and not well, but still...I have to say, there's no way ever I would let a dog pee on my bed or drop nuggets all over my house. Of course I don't know exactly how I would manage and old ill dog, since I've never had one, but a dog in my bedroom is out of the question.

  3. What I wouldn't do to stand in one of Cassie's little poopey doops again! :( I guess I'll just have to poop on the floor myself to recreate the moment.

  4. Am giggling a little giggle and also crying a little tear for Casper. He sounds like he was a sweetheart, bed wetting and all.

  5. Oh no I missed the post-script. RIP Casper. It's horrible when pets who are more like family members die.

  6. Oh, rest in peace Casper, it sounds like you led a charmed life with someone who loved you very much!

  7. Sounds like the old dog had a good life. I mean, pooping on Kim's carpet is on my bucket list and Casper got the chance to do it every day.

  8. It's on everyone who's anyone's bucket list. Gaga's next film clip will feature it.


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