Thursday, November 17, 2011

10 Reasons Why I Don't Follow You On Twitter

So this is the third installment of 'Why I Don't' posts, hot on the heels of Why I Don't Read Your Blog and Why I Don't Comment On Your Blog. In short, it's a thinly veiled bitch session.

Twitter is my favourite thing in the world (@glowless in case you were wondering). Awake at midnight? Go talk to someone! Something important happens in the world? Find out within mere minutes - most of the time from eye witnesses (and RTs) more than half an hour before it gets on even the top news sites. But mostly it is where I go for shits and giggles with my buddies from all around the world... and to avoid housework, obviously.

10 Reasons Why I Don't Follow You On Twitter

1. You're a company and the only thing you tweet is your latest deal over and over again. If I wanted to see so many damn ads I'd watch commercial television. Twitter is an amazing marketing tool but you have to engage with me. This also counts if you use your business account to just retweet your own blog account. If there is no point of difference between the two, one has to go.

2. You only retweet others. If I want to know what they're saying, I'll follow them thankyouverymuch. Say something original but preferably not just a blow by blow account of what you're doing unless you happen to be "doing" a celebrity.

3. You have no bio. I know, I know, they can be a bitch to write but it is the biggest make or break for me. I need to immediately know if you're a person or a company, if we have anything in common and if you're going to give me some level of entertainment. And further to this please list your location to the nearest city... if you put your location as "Earth" I'll just think you're a dickhead or an alien. Same goes if your avi is that stupid bloody egg.

4. Your name, Twitter handle and blog name are so different to each other that I have no idea who the hell you are. Here's a hint, if they're really different put the information in your bio, there's even a special spot for a link so USE IT! Make it easy for me, people!

5. You tweet quotes and pretend they're your own. Just like the other eleventy hundred bajillion people on the interwebz, I got that viral email in 2003 too, so I've heard the joke before. You're not fooling anyone, mister!

6. You follow and unfollow me to get my attention. Now this can be used as a way of covertly gauging if someone has intentionally unfollowed you or if the phantoms of the Twittersphere have worked their evil magic again and just kicked you off a list. But once you've done it once and I don't follow back, perhaps it's a useful clue. It smacks of desperation when you do it weekly, so don't. This is even worse if you're a business - yes, I'm looking at YOU Perth video making company that shall remain nameless.

7. You use too many hashtags. Do #you #really #need #every #single #word to be one? This is of course null and void if your hashtags are hilarious and involve mention of nipples, wine and/or Glow Jobs.

8. Your tweets are set to private. WHY?!?!?! Twitter is about being in a global conversation, don't cut yourself out of it! It doesn't make sense so I automatically think you're a douche and won't follow you. If for some incredible reason I do send a follow request, whenever I go to RT you I get a little warning from Twitter telling me I'm RTing protected content... it's annoying in a first world problem kinda way.

9. All your tweets are about your damn cat and your lonely single life. Unless you're Bridget Jones and can tell me some saucy stories about getting it on with Daniel Cleaver, whining all the freaking time about your non existent social life is just infuriating. Join an online dating site or, I dunno, put down Mr Snuggles for a goddamn minute and go out in to the real world for once.

10. You tweet racist, homophobic, xenophobic, sexist crap under the thin veneer of humour and the protection afforded you for being considered a celebrity social commentator. There is no excuse for being a bigoted twat, grow up.

Why don't you follow someone on Twitter? I'm expecting the new little bird on the scene might get a mention here.

48 comments:

  1. Couldn't agree with you more on all these points! I like it when you've got cranky pants on. :)

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  2. Lina@MothersLoveLettersNovember 17, 2011 at 8:07 AM

    Awesome, G.
    By the way you didn't follow me for ages... (*wipe tear*)... LOL
    Just wondering, what would do you do if someone has literally just joined Twitter, and has no followers? Would you follow back?

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  3. yes yes and more yes.
    And can I add one.... don't @ me or DM me and ask me to vote for you, your kid, or some company. I know you want to win, I understand, but if I want to vote for you I'll do it when I see your generic tweet to everyone...

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  4. I do admit to having protected tweets which I really didn't want to do but I'm going through the fostercare process and I really don't want some chick from DOCS reading about my ragings at the world and highly inappropriate tweets.

    My number one reason for unfollowing someone is if every damn tweet is an attention grabbing poor me tweet. Especially the *sigh* tweets and nothing else.

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  5. I feel super special you followed my old account now!

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  6. Great points.  But here's a few more reasons why I unfollow some Twits (:P)


    - I've tweeted you a few times and you don't respond.  - What's the point in me following you if you're not responding to me..??

    - They DM me and ask me to vote for them in some contest or something or sign up for their newsletter - LEAVE ME ALONE 
    And people who RT the same links to their own website over and over and over again...  Yes, I read that post already... and AGAIN?  AND AGAIN??? WTF??!!!

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  7. you crack me up woman.. good points - all of them. they usually are. :)

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  8. All very good points. I also agree with Lip Stalker - I've tried to engage you, but you're too high and mighty to respond to my efforts (yes, I am directing that comment to YOU, Journos Who Shall Remain Nameless). Note that, as I am Queen Bitch, I am likely to mock you if you do this. I'll also unfollow if you don't follow me. I know that's egotistical, but I'm a very interesting person, and I'm damn funny. If you don't want to hear what I've got to say, why would I care what you've got to say? Oh, and of course I'm not following you if I think you're a bot.

    Love the ranty posts, Glow, keep 'em coming.

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  9. #10 - we have a winner! I'm positive I know who you're referring to, and if so, I whole heartedly agree, oh Glowing one.  PS - that was Number 10, not hashtag 10. #JustSaying

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  10. Everythign you have mentioned plus:

    Out and out liars.  Seriously, if you really have had that much to drink I'm here to tell you you could not type and tweet that fast. 
    Also serial laugh out loud users.  I can't even type the shorthand.  I can take a few, but I'm fairly certain not everything you tweet is that funny and even if it is, that's for other people to judge, not yourself. 

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  11. Everythign,  it's a new hip way of saying everything. 

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  12. Who don't I follow? People that have 723,378 followers and have never tweeted a thing. 

    I'm onto you.

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  13. Love it and totally agree with every one!

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  14. Oh fabulous post for a Newbie to Twitter like me!!  Not sure of all the do's and dont's but I know now!  I know all the FB protocol on business pages, being doing the FB thing for ages.  But thank goodness I don't think Ive done any of those things on the naughty list :)

    Cheers
    Leanne

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  15. Oooh, have been waiting for this!

    Numbers 5 and 8 - oh, me too, me too...

    And spelling. I know its only 140 characters. Get them right ffs.

    xx

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  16. People that tweet inspirational quotes in the morning. Or tell me about the fantastic run they went on.

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  17. The Bio is huge! No Bio and no follow from me.

    Also, I hate extra emails so I don't get any notifications from twitter about followers or unfollowers. Following me does not mean I will follow you back. Engage with me and I am highly likely to.  

    Great List!

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  18. For me, I wouldn't know if you just followed me, I don't track it, but if you engaged with me a couple of times I would usually follow back. Unless you are an egg or have no bio.

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  19. oh, and the people that have their star sign tweeted - I have two or three left, they are close to getting the chop too. 

    and churpers....

    shit, think I will have no one left soon.

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  20. If you've ignored either a tweet or a retweet from me then gone on to complain about blogging competitiveness that's an unfollow.  I'm not here to steal anyone's fisher price campaign.

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  21. Re: 7 also #merkin right? That hashtag is ok isn't it?

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  22. The egg really bothers me. Ha! I like to see a pic. This won't make me unfollow but I find usernames with random numbers annoying. And no bio is a no no.

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  23. And that"s why I follow you! Yes, you are damn funny. Haven't noticed the Queen Bitch side of you yet though....But I expect that to be funny for everyone (except maybe the person on the receiving end of the bitchiness....)

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  24. YES! (Agreeing here, not being one of those dodgy porny bots that tweet sexual mutterings to me.)

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  25. #InappropriateCapitalsInHashtags. #NoNeed.

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  26. Quotes and nothing else, affiliate links and nothing else or news regurgitation, what's up with that?

    I agree with Sass and can do without the 'woe is me' tweets. A whinge is something we all need now and then, but when it is just a "my life sucks" with no indication of why it sucks it's just annoying. Give me a reason to empathise.

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  27. And they're such spunky cranky pants too!

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  28. I don't tend to look at the number of followers when I'm deciding - I look at the bio, the pic and the most recent tweets. If they have heaps of followers but never tweet then nup.

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  29. I get the email notification, check them out and decide based on my usual reasons. Most of the time I find people to follow from their blog (unless they've got the wrong bloody handle listed!!) and other people tweeting them.

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  30. Yeah, that's what Facebook is for :P

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  31. Ugh the poor me tweets annoy me so much. I think protected tweets in your situation sound good!

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  32. I think I follow less than five protected accounts :P You're always super special xxx

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  33. I try to respond to everyone and thank everyone for RTs but found the other week that they don't all show up in Tweetdeck so I have no idea how many I'm not acknowledging  :(

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  34. All too true. 

    I would have agreed with you on #8 up until recently. I protected my tweets last week for personal reasons. I do hope to be able to let them free once again in the future, but for now I felt it was better to protect them. 

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  35. Love when you get your cranky pants on and tell it how it is :)

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  36. Good to know.
    Ive only just started blogging AND tweeting, so still getting my head around what I should and shouldn't be doing.
    Focussing on the blog for now.
    I'll start tweeting regularly soon.

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  37. I agree with every one of these points. Especially the one about having a different Twitter name/blog name/Instagram name/real name. Too many names! It gets awkward and confusing when I'm trying to work out whether or not I actually know somebody or have spoken to them before.

    The #1 reason I have unfollowed people in the past is because their tweets are constantly whiny or passive aggressive. Of course the occasional Twitter whinge is A-OK (after all, Twitter is all about reaching out to others), but when it's constant negative and cryptic tweets throughout the day ("F*ck this" "F*ck you" etc), you are goooone from my feed.

    Great post :) xxx

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  38. Haha! You probably don't follow me on Twitter because I signed up then immediately got amnesia, and just don't post on there. But I do love your #overuse #shitsmetoo

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  39. Jayne -Non Domestik GoddessNovember 18, 2011 at 6:33 AM

    For me, I don't follow someone if they don't engage in conversation. Inhale had people follow me, then whennI tweet them, they have never replied. I know it's easy to miss a tweet here and there, but if I've attempted to engage them and they ignore it then they're gone. Twitter for me is a place to chat and built relationships; I don't want to waste time trying to chat wi someone who's not interested.

    Besides that-the usual, spammers, people who post constantly about their blog or business (more than 3-4 x per day) etc

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  40. Argh-apologies for atrocious typos there-damn you auto correct etc :-/

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  41. people who only tweet to tell the world about their latest disaster...

    And they have stupid bios full of swears.

    x

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  42. Like "Something something whatever. Fuck" ???? :P

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  43. I don't think we're talking about the same person... I think I know who you're referring to and yeah I didn't think of them but they do it too!!!
    I know, you know, they know, you know?

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  44. The star sign thing annoys me so much! I don't read my own bloody star sign, why would I want to read anyone else's?

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