Tuesday, October 16, 2012

An open letter to building companies

Dear Builders,

My husband and I (ooh I sound regal) are looking in to building a home or renovating our current one. We're doing this for a number of reasons:
  1. We currently live in an oversized cupboard but with a big enough yard for a Shetland Pony
  2. I'd like to have another sprog and don't particularly want to put them in the shed (although I suppose I could get a baby monitor)
  3. I'm a whiney middle class white chick who doesn't realize how good she has it (What's that? You want TWO toilets full of clean water to wash your shit away?)
We've been to countless display homes these past few weeks and the vast majority of the time the first words to pop in to my head are not "Oh my, I simply must have this house!" but rather, "What the ever loving fuck?"

Now I'm pretty sure that wasn't what you were aiming for or you would have named your house "The Gob Smacker" not "The Retreat" or whatever you called it that was supposed to convey the idea that I'd be living in a resort despite the fact that I would have to clean it and there is a severe lack of room service.

Most of my problems with your designs are the bathrooms. Do I really need an ensuite which is three times the size of the main bathroom? The ensuite, by rights, is designed for a maximum of two people yet most are rivaling the size of my garage.

Also, I don't know about you, but I'm generally not an exhibitionist (said the girl with a blog). It's blatantly obvious that your designers are though! Do people really want windows from their shower cubicle in to the back yard? Or worse, from the shower cubicle in to the master bedroom? Now I'm as in to getting creative in the bedroom as the next person but my own peep show isn't high on the agenda. A gal needs a little privacy at times.

If possible, can you please push the budget to spare a door for that monstrous ensuite? As well as the whole I'm-not-a-stripper thing and the not wanting to be woken when my husband showers at 6am, I'd like to avoid my clothes becoming mildewy. Since you have to walk through a room-sized wardrobe to get to the shower in most of your designs, that's exactly what is going to happen. Maybe you could take the money you save by removing your "one sink per every person ever born" policy?

While I'm on the subject of doors, toilets need them. They also need to be made of materials that are not translucent. I can get over the fact that my kid walked straight in to the glass door and bumped his noggin, but I can't get over the fact that it's just plain gross and much more suited to a fetish film. Not only do I not want anyone to see me while I'm answering a call of nature, but I most definitely do not want to see anyone else answering said call. I deal with enough shit as it is, you know!

If you could clear up some of these issues and make me a nice, simple home with doors, storage and a bit of space for my kid to run around in without us all tripping over him, it would be much appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Glow x

Been in to a display home lately? What did you think?

22 comments:

  1. Ha! My hubby works in a family run building business :) We too sometimes marvel at the stupidity of architects who do not seem to understand the meaning of practical. However, having said that most of their designs are okay and they are very open to chopping and changing things around. They build a lot of custom designed homes. We've designed all of our homes - and in the process of building our 3rd. Which area are you in?

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  2. Lol some places I have seen are just way to big. Space is nice but then when I walk through the place I can imagine all the toys everywhere. The no door on the toilet thing is wrong. I have a huge ceiling to floor window that isn't see through BUT I think that people can see my shadow of me sitting on the toilet. or of me standing to pull my pants up. Ok the toilet needs some light but a floor to ceiling window???

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  3. After 3 months looking we gave up. I couldn't make up my mind. In the end we decided to rent after selling our place. Perhaps we'll design from scratch.

    Those big houses require maids.

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  4. I'm not entirely sure what a scullery is, but now I want one.

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  5. Yeah....I've noticed that houses these days have a lot of useless crap and no yard to fit this useless crap in.
    I also noted the ensuite no doors thing and Mr Black tried to tell me they would have doors if they were actually built but well, they put the doors on the bedrooms and the like in the display homes why not the ensuite too?
    My issue is the same, the water that would be entering my room via steam and general dampness. Also, what if Mr Black does a huge stinky poo in there? I don't really feel like being stunk out while I'm in bed. Not exactly a turn on.

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  6. Does anyone else have a problem with the master bedroom normally being right smack bang next to the front door? First thing visitors see is the unmade master bed, followed by naked person showering coz there is no door on the bathroom and the bedroom door was pushed open by dog trying to escape over-excited and unattended child? And these designers have obviously never had to do the mad dash from kitchen to bedroom for clothes so the poor person on the other side of the door doesn't have to be greeted by saggy boobs in faded nightie! Not good planning at all!

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  7. Hahaha yes! I'm of the closed door cleaning brigade but Tricky always opens it too. Not the house for me. I must admit being greeted by saggy boobs in a faded nightie would be pretty hilarious... because I'd feel right at home :)

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  8. The stinky poo smell wafting through the whole bedroom? YUCK. No thanks. You can ask for doors on those openings, but they're not in the plan price so you have to pay extra for them and there is normally an additional "alteration fee".

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  9. After you've spent a fortune on the house there is no money left for a maid :( Designing from scratch sounds like the way to go x

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  10. TOILET SHADOW! Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUN!

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  11. I'd keep the scullery if it came with a scullery maid. I'm not sure what scullery maids do but I'm sure one would be very useful.

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  12. Argh! We are in the exact same situation at the moment and finding a design that is practical is nearly impossible! Some of my current peeves include backing the laundry onto the main living room - do they have any clue how loud a front loader is? Worse than the master bedroom at the front is all the kids rooms at the front. I may as well put a mat out the front that sats "welcome to my shit fight". Under no circumstances do i need an open ensuite or toilet, ut a door on it and keep that shit to yourself. Finally gigantic but useless kitchens, a sleek line is not worth my having the microwave at a toddlers eye height, my kid causes herself enough damage without the opportunity to pull hot stuff on herself.

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  13. Jo @ CountrylifeexperimentOctober 17, 2012 at 7:56 AM

    I can't get over how many living spaces they have too! No wonder families have communication problems - with so many spaces you never actually have to see each other and communicate!

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  14. In Sydney its all about the garage. You can pay over $2m and still have to contend with on street parking which sux.

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  15. Kirsty @ My Home TruthsOctober 17, 2012 at 6:41 PM

    After lots of looking we finally found a plan that was just right for us (ie not ridiculously huge or with unnecessary rooms) but we did have to choose a 2 storey plan so we could have a bit of yard. Mind you the ensuite is bigger than the main bathroom (what's up with that?) but at least it has a door... Good luck with your search!

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  16. Don't you understand that these people think all families live the same way and need exactly the same things!! Hehe xx

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  17. I haven't been to a display home in years so was blissfully unaware of the missing door issue. How strange. What does annoy me about designs today is how there are acres of living rooms inside, but bugger all undercover outdoor spaces, and if there is one, you have to pay extra for it. Hello, this is Australia, with one of the best climates in the world, so why not let us enjoy it. Plus, patios just need hosing down for a clean; no dusting, vacuuming and mopping required :)

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  18. Excellent point, I'll look in to it.

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  19. Ah, my 2.5 kids would fit perfectly then :P

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  20. YES! And so many places don't even have eaves - ummmm, giant hot sun, a little eave shade would be ace in the arvo thanks!

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  21. I'm so glad you got a door, Kirsty. All relationships need a little mystery.

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