Monday, April 2, 2012

You know you're getting old when...

I hit the big 3-0 recently. Well sorta recently. OK, OK, it was last year. But it was late last year so it's still possible for me to say recently (shuddup).

By my standards, I'm not old. By a sixteen year old's I'm probably ancient. I have all the signs of ageing maturity on my face now; wrinkles, pigmentation, and a scowl that says "Don't fuck with me, I've worked too hard to get here to deal with your shit".

So how do you know you're getting old? Well...
  1. You stop being referred to as 'the girl' and start being called 'the lady' as in "Watch out for the lady" and "Give the money to the lady". I ain't no lady
  2. You squeeze your pelvic floor muscles in preparation for a sneeze... you know, just in case
  3. You start appreciating the value of money and go from "these shoes are a whole week's rent, aren't they faaaaabulous?!" to "I got this top on sale!"
  4. You think a night in with a bottle of wine and some cheese is much more fun than a night out at a pub
  5. You find drinking a cup of tea/coffee/hot chocolate, in a really nice cup, a fantastic way to unwind
  6. Your once proportional body disappears and fat starts lingering around your mid section changing your muffin-top to a whole-fucking-bakery-top
  7. You pack away your g-strings and replace them with industrial strength iron underwear to suck you in
  8. You tune in religiously to Grand Designs and swoon over Kevin McCloud. Mmmmm Kevin
  9. You turn on the radio and think "What the hell is this rubbish?" and immediately put on a CD
  10. You suddenly find it overwhelming to adjust to new technology and changes, requiring the instruction of a primary school student to figure out how to work the media centre
Can you relate? How do you know you're getting old?

57 comments:

  1. You old bitch.

    Hey, wait, I get a LOT of these. Oh that's just fucked, I'm not old yet am I?

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  2. Love it! Although 3,4,5,9,10 make me realise I've been old since my early 20s...

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  3. Wait until you're 40 - and you start having uncontrollable urges to say things like 'In my day...'  

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  4. BAHAHAHAHAHA I will let you know when the urge hits - I suspect it will be sometime in the next year :P

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  5. I never got the whole cup of tea thing until a few weeks ago. It's lovely... OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT.

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  6. Well I wasn't going to say anything, but...

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  7. I know I'm ancient when I read a post from a 30 year old talking about being old!
    My kids think you are a baby...but you are spot on with signs you are getting old.

    Cranky Old Man

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  8. Beryllium LithiumApril 2, 2012 at 10:31 AM

    Almost 18 and I can already relate to 1, 4, 5, 9. Slowly getting there. Lol

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  9. I didn't feel old until I began working with little 18 year olds at the pub. THEY'VE NEVER HEARD OF THE WHISTLE SONG! What the fuck?

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  10. Hell I've got a good 5 years on you.  But I still feel really young.  Then I have to remind myself, I've got a mortgage, 3 kids, the husband and all the shit in between, mean while I'm still trying to work out what Im going to be when I grow up. 

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  11. I heard Nirvana on am radio the other day, it made me feel super old.

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  12. I'm with you, especially number 9. I feel bad for the kids of today, if that's the music they have to grow up with. Wait...I'm pretty sure my mum once said the same thing to me.

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  13. Friggin hilarious!  Hell you made me laugh (and I had to hold my pelvic floor while doing so).  All of the above, so very true. Love this post!

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  14. I agree - gimme cheese and wine at home vs going out any day... And don't get me started on the pelvic floors, so disappointing!

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  15. Mmmm, Kevin....
    Grand Designs AND a nice cup of tea? Heaven.

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  16. Haha, too true! For me it's a language thing - I get on Facebook and have no idea what people are saying because it's all 'wif's and 'da's and 'awesome!!!!!!'s.
    Also, when I see girls in those super short shorts and think "thank god I'm too old to care about trying to squeeze my arse into something like that".

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  17. Hahaha, 'bakery top' - I think you've just coined a new phrase! I, so sadly, can relate to this. And number 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 9 and 10 (my g-strings went years ago and...gulp...I've never watched Grand Designs *ducks for cover*)....

    This is gold!

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  18. 1-6 I hear you on, maybe the others will hit once I hit 30 myself

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  19. Number 5. I am totally Mrs. Number 5.

    Also, kids on the bus? I'm sure I was as bad as them when I was fifteen or sixteen. Now I just tut under my breath and seethe away.

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  20. I've got all these and more, dicky knees, hips that pop out when I'm dancing, being asked if I'm somebody's mother (meaning their friend's mother and their friend is 25) and spending a night in a trendy Melbourne bar and not being chatted up once (because they all think you're there to look for your 25 yr old daughter). Anyway, you're not old till your grandkids start asking you lend them money.

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  21. Hey, watch what u say about lusting after Kev being a sign of old age!! Just good taste I say - he's my free pass!!

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  22. I was checking facebook on my phone during a lunch break at work (retail) and was told by a 16 year old colleague 'no way! you're a facebook mum!!!!' The response I wanted to say: 'What the fcuk does that even mean? Piss off you hooligan, I'm old enough to be your Mum!!'

    The actual response was more like: 'and whats wrong with that?'

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  23. Oh, now I'm just depressed. Laughing, but depressed. By this list, I am most definitely old!

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  24. Wait until you hit 40! You will find yourself hit with Craftitis...it is a disease that strikes the over 40 woman which makes it impossible for her to walk past a craft shop without running in to buy some yarn or knitting needles. There is unfortunately, no known cure for Craftitis!

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  25. You can't help but love Kevin and his Grand Designs. But what about Escape To The Country, this is my real addiction.....with a nice cuppa  ;)

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  26. I think I'll know I'm getting really old when my children start going to bed later than me!

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  27. Fussy Eater's MumApril 3, 2012 at 5:36 PM

    I realised I was old was when I was explaining to someone that the first time I saw the movie "Kramer vs Kramer" it was on Beta and they had no idea what I was talking about. Movie or medium.

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  28. From my point of view you're not old either. That's because I'm looking down the tunnel to 60.........

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  29. Wait till you hit your 40's. You wont remember half that stuff! And you hear yourself sounding more and more like your mother. You poor child... lol

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  30. when you walk into a cool surf shop and the (15yo/size6) staff ask you, Who are you buying for?  xt

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  31. Oh to be 30 again ... when my 8 year old asks me why I know all the words to songs that were popular in the 70s and 80s is what really gets me. At least she's still polite enough to let me listen while she's in the car. 

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  32. I think I've been old since I was a teenager

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  33. LOL! I have always had an old head, I think.

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  34. By old I obviously don't mean mature ;-P

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  35. I went to TAFE in my early 20's and the majority of my classmates were 17... I felt sooooo old. The difference in those years is HUGE

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  36. Oh Mandy, me too! No idea what I wanna be, I keep changing my mind.

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  37. When you realize that those songs were released TWENTY years ago... OMG!

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  38. I grew up on a strict diet of John Farnham and Cher so my parents think the music I like is rubbish. It's a rite of passage as a parent I'm told :P

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  39. I remember my mother saying "don't make me laugh" and I thought she was just soooo boring and old. I get it now. I'm sorry mama!!!

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  40. Kevin is just so yummy. And Louis Theroux.

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  41. OH YES! I can't understand half the stuff my younger cousins write!

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  42. Kate you MUST watch Grand Designs. You will have an insatiable urge to buy a run down castle after :P

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  43. Now you're just showing off ;-P

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  44. My version of misbehaving on the bus was sitting in the back row and talking loudly. I was SUCH a rebel!

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  45. Oh I'm a good few years away from grandkids so I'll go by that!

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  46. Brilliant free pass. What about Louis Theroux????

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  47. With age comes the ability to self censor... and resist hitting idiots in the mouth

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  48. Oh Naomi at least you're amongst friends... old friends.

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  49. Noooooooooooooooooo! If I ever buy knitting needles I will poke myself in the eye with them... actually yarn bombing looks kinda cool. Wait, did I just say that out loud?

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  50. I've never heard of that one?! I shall have to go and check it out :)

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  51. Ah that's a good one! I have a few more years up my sleeve then

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  52. I know Beta! Just think, our kids won't even know what VHS is.

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  53. How does the saying go? "You're only as old as the person you're feeling" Or something like that *snort*

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  54. I sound so much like my mother already it's frightening. By 40 I think I might actually morph in to her

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  55. Bahahahaha oh yes, know that one well!

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  56. I think I must have been born in the wrong era, I know all the 70s songs and had my 18th at a club that only played 60s and 70s music. Your 8yo would think I was ancient!!!

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