So, my kid's room nearly caught fire

Bobbin's room is sparingly decorated. I like it that way.

Because:
a) I'm all about that space, 'bout that space
b) I'm on a budget
c) She's just gonna pull everything down anyway, so why bother?

It could use a nice, framed picture on the wall, but the one that I would loooooove is expensive, plus I'm no style blogger and it would probably end up looking naff. So for now it's simple and uncluttered.

We have her cot, a 2x2 IKEA Expedit, a change table and the most awesome rocking chair ever. It's awesome because I upcycled it from a horrid brown and beige disaster to a funky aqua with cushions. BOOYAH. Still not a style blogger, though. Although yellow wall, aqua chair and bunting brings me close, yes?

On the IKEA thing is our placenta print (yes, it's blood) and a beautiful musical snow globe with a carousel horse that MapGuy's aunt gave Bobbin when she was born. On the change table I have the most used things; all our cloth nappies, some muslin cloths, and a purple basket with some nappy liners, nappy rash cream, hand sanitizer, disposable nappies and room deodorizer because SHE'S A LADY (or because I got it free when I had an ENJO party). Miss Bobbin decided this was the best toy in the world as soon as she became mobile and not wanting her to get fershnickered on the hand sanitizer, it made it's way up on to the shelf, toot sweet, away from little hands.

Anywho, one night a few months ago as I was folding nappies, I noticed a small hole in the front of one of them. I couldn't figure out where it came from, it looked like the fabric had melted a bit but how on earth could that have happened? I checked the washing machine, in case it had become caught or something, but couldn't find anything. Um, a moth? Had she caught a toy on it? No idea. The nappy made it's way to the bottom of the pile and was barely used because it was no longer very waterproof.




Fast forward to last week when I was changing Bobbin's nappy and I noticed the side of the purple basked had some big, melty holes in them. What the fuck? This ain't no moth hole. It's MELTED! Highly flammable nappy liners and disposable nappies oh and pure fucking alcohol in a container that was so hot it was melting.

It all clicked. The burn in the nappy, and now this big mofo melty hole. The snow globe had concentrated the sun's rays and burned the nappy and basket! I had never thought of it! I admit I felt pretty bloody stupid for not thinking about the danger (curved glass + sunlight = bonfire), but I never connected it. So far, everyone I've told has been surprised and said they wouldn't have thought it either. Which may be because they're trying to make me feel better. Who knows?

Luckily, it has only melted the basket and the other stuff hadn't caught fire by the time I got in there. I can only imagine how freaked out I would have been to walk in after her nap and find the corner of the room on fire. I shudder to think.

So if you have snow globes, go make sure they aren't next to a window!

Dear Meddlesome Shopper

CC Rafa2010

 It's that time of year yet again,
The shops so full they'll burst.
I'm here lugging 'round a toddler,
This child I've loved and nursed.
But today the spawn is misbehaving,
He's at his all time worst,
He's screaming bloody murder,
Diving to the ground head freakin' first.

Instead of smiling or walking past,
You choose to stop and stare,
To make a bitchy comment,
Then tut at me and glare.
“My child never acted up”
You say with mocking air,
But I don't believe your bullshit tales
Of your perfect little heir.

I'm sorry, lady, you've got it wrong,
You think your shit don't stink?
Yes my kid is acting up,
And I could do with a fucking drink.
Your words aren't helping anyone,
With this narrow way you think,
And now that I'm pulling you up on it,
Your cheeks are turning pink.

Sometimes this is how kids act,
When they're hungry and overtired,
Or maybe there is something more,
And the parents should be admired,
For not throwing in the towel,
And surviving what transpired,
Maybe they need a bit of support,
Or a wine could be required.

So don't judge me or my kid,
From the two minutes that you see,
Instead think for just one second,
“Tomorrow that might be me”.
Yes I'd like him to shut up,
On that we sure agree.
But berating us in public can't stop,
This one-toddler jamboree.

And if you've already had your go,
Maybe you're older and quite jaded?
But I guarantee your kid's done this,
And that your memory had faded.
You've forgotten all the times,
Days when you would have traded,
Your darling little shithead,
Who could not be persuaded,

To just be quiet and sit still,
And not be such a showoff.
While you scowled in their ears,
Promising lollies as a tradeoff.
So go on, go about your day,
And have your little scoff, 

But seriously woman, from all of us,
You can fuck right off!

Have you gotten stares or comments mid-toddler-tantrum? Did you want to fight back or did you wish the ground would swallow you up?  

Four (other) things you can do with your ben-wa balls

It is not news that I have a Kegel exerciser. I told y'all about it and did a giveaway. A giveaway that over ONE THOUSAND people entered. Here I was thinking I'd be hearing crickets when I started talking about lady parts, but you lot are very pro-vagina and came in droves to get your hands on those awesome pink ben-wa balls.

Quite often since that day I've wondered what you could do with a ben wa ball when you no longer have a use for it? Once you have your vag of steel it's a bit sad for 'Ben' to just sit in your naughty drawer gathering dust so I took it upon myself to find out and let you know - think of it as a community service announcement if you will.

So here you have it. Four things you can use your ben-wa balls as when you're finished with them:

1. Earrings. They might be slightly heavy, but now that you've got a super strength vag, it's only right that you get super strength ears. This shit will be all over Etsy soon I just know it.

2. Bespoke Keyring. Particularly effective when you are at a swingers party - c'mon, you know that gal has been exercising!

3. Christmas Decorations. 'Tis the season to be jolly, and jolly you will be with these on your tree. In fact, I believe ben-wa is actually the ancient word for "inappropriate decoration".

4. Cat Entertainment Device. I have it on good authority that cats adore ben-wa balls and will go off like someone has spiked the catnip.

Doctored under CC license - cheers, HortenseJones

If you're going to use them again afterwards, I suggest a high quality cleaning substance. Or bleach if you're allergic to cats.

How do you use your ben-wa balls when you don't need them any more? Do you name your toys?

*No cats were harmed in the making of this blog post. I tried, but no one would let me borrow their cat for a sex toy photoshoot.