Friday, October 3, 2014

10 things that prove I'm old

I went to a Courtney Love concert recently and she absolutely rocked it. It was AMAZING. When she played Violet, I was so happy I almost cried. Then she mentioned that the album it was from, Live Through This, is twenty years old. Way to make me feel old, Courts. Oh wait, you're 50? Well then.

I had Live Through This on an illegally dubbed cassette my friend gave me. I used to listen to it for hours on end and my angsty teen self would be all "Fuck yeah, I'm gonna be a rock star and take loads of drugs... if it wasn't for all this Catholic guilt. Ima just go study and play my saxophone instead".

Hearing that the album that defined my teen years was two decades old got me thinking about all the things that I do now that 13 year old Glow would roll her eyes at. 10 things that PROVE I'm old now:

1. I'm totally in to gardening now. We have a veggie patch where we grow carrots, cherry tomatoes, onions, strawberries, lettuce and chili, and a herb garden with basil, rosemary and parsley. I'm planting beans soon and I am genuinely excited by this. I potter around in it most days, snipping off dried leaves, spraying some fancy pants bio organic caterpillar napalm and picking off snails to throw over the neighbour's fence. I happy dance every time I harvest anything. Actually, I'm dancing now because I got to use the word harvest.

2. Staying home is lovely. Saturday night, on the couch, sipping wine, eating cheese and watching a movie with MapGuy is a bloody awesome night in my books. The idea of going to a club is daunting - the Courtney Love concert was at "Metros" and it was the first time I'd been inside a club in years. They are still grotty and dingy, so nothing much has changed.

3. I love the sunshine because the washing dries quicker (yet walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?" because I'm an asshole). I've even worked out how to set my washing machine to start at the crack of dawn so that the first load is ready to be hung out the moment I wake up. Because NO LIFE. Do you see how sad this is? "Hooray, the nappies will get a good sun bleach today!" is something all cloth mamas can relate to.

4. I strategically time when I go to the shops. I am totally one of those people now. Need something? The new catalogue is out but it doesn't start until tomorrow so I'll wait an extra day to save 13c. Then I'll buy six of whatever it is because OMG 13c off! BUY THEM ALL! I also refuse to go to shopping centres during school holidays because teenagers. Ick.

5. I avoid new technology. It confuses me. I defer all things techy to MapGuy and it won't be long before I'm asking Tricky how to do things. If something isn't working the way it should, besides doing a "power cycle" (totes the industry word for turning it off and on again), I am stuffed.

6. I screw up my nose at young people's "fashion" because a) I can't wear it without looking like a tragic try hard mutton dressed as lamb, and b) it's the exact same stuff I wore when I was your age. No, I'm serious. Everywhere I look it's like the members of Girlfriend have sprung up. Midriffs, print pants, hats. C'mon. It's Blossom central.

7. Life hacks excite me. OMG YOU HAVE TO SEE HOW TO FOLD SHIRTS IN TWO SECONDS. I found this recently and it has CHANGED MY LIFE (and is totally worthy of all caps). I used to fold shirts by holding it up with my chin, folding each side in, folding it in half and placing it down. Because some part of me wants my wardrobe to look like the shops or something. It took about ten seconds. But now? Jazz hands, baby, I'm saving eight seconds per shirt. BOOYAH. Yes, I'm sad. 

8. I enjoy the company of my parents. If I haven't seen them in a few days, I'll call them up to see if they want to go out for a coffee. This is possibly because they pay for the coffee and the extra sets of hands to look after the kids is fabulous, but I'd like to think that it means I'm mature. At least in some small way. Maybe I should stop laughing at dick jokes?

9. I sometimes Google slang words. I was in line behind some teenagers a couple years ago and one of them asked the other what YOLO meant. He didn't know. I felt so hip and cool that I knew. I had a "I'm totally one of those funky mamas who knows the lingo" moment. Then I realized that feeling that way and celebrating it meant that I was in NO WAY hip or cool.

10. I have no idea who the cool celebrities are. If I walk past a magazine rack and it says "Ariana's new 'do" I have no freaking clue who they are talking about. Who is Channing Tatum and why is everyone talking about him? I hear Channing and think of Rizzo and Kenicke. I'm so far out of the loop.

Basically, I've turned in to my mother. I don't mind getting older, because you know, the alternative is dropping off the perch. But it's quite clear I'm no spring chicken. And I like it.

What makes you feel old?

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