Monday, May 21, 2012

How Not To Ruin Your Marriage: Lesson Two


Later this week it will be four years since Map Guy and I tied the knot in front of our family and friends.

We're not really in to the whole gift giving thing for anniversaries, probably because we're both really stingey. Instead we like to do something nice for each other like cook a special dinner and have a candle lit bath.

To commemorate these four fabulous years, I've come up with some tips and tricks that will help you choose the anniversary gift for your significant other so that they won't be heading for the divorce lawyer's office the next day.

Tips for HIM

Do: Surprise her with a lovely night in a hotel
Don't: Surprise her with a lovely night in a hotel and not organize a babysitter

Do: Make a romantic dinner of her favourite meal
Don't: Make a romantic dinner of her favourite meal and leave her to do the dishes all alone

Do: Massage her aching shoulders
Don't: Massage her aching shoulders while digging your erection in to her back

Do: Get her something she's always wanted, like a charm bracelet or a pair of earrings
Don't: Get her something you've always wanted her to have, like the instructional DVD 'The Ultimate Guide to Blow Jobs'

Do: Give her a stunning pearl necklace
Don't: Give her a stunning pearl necklace and then waggle your eyebrows and say you'll give her another one later

Tips for HER

Do: Put out
Don't: Not put out

What do you get your spouse for your anniversary?


  1. Do: get her excited by dropping hints about the fabulous and personally meaningful gift you have picked out especially for her

    Do not: make that "fabulous" gift a newspaper from her date of birth. Even if it does come in a ridiculously large ornamental display folder. And do not act surprised if it is never actually displayed, but instead kept in the cupboard under the stairs. At her mother's. Interstate.

    I didn't actually know there was such a thing as a massage without additional poke. I've never had one, even from the "lady" who massaged me in Thailand. Who knew! Your public service announcements rock, Glow.

  2. It's our 4 year anniversary of when we first met (only anniversary we 'celebrate') on Wednesday.. and this morning, what's that? A surprise fucking visit from AF... Worthy of a FFS Friday or a Weekend Whine I think! Or both!

  3. Jess@diaryofasahmMay 21, 2012 at 10:44 AM

    Ah a massage without a poke in the back.... What a novel idea.

  4. Brilliant tips :) 

  5. I have a book called the ultimate guide to fellatio. And its friend, the ultimate guide to cunnilingus. x

  6. This made me giggle so much. I will be sharing this with my hubby :)

  7. The massage? Oh Glow, when Mr black offers nowdays I say I will be right I'd much rather a trip to the beauticians. Massages do NOT turn me on, the help me fall asleep and if you leave me the fuck alone to sleep I may just put out the next night. Maybe.

  8. Every year I reveal something that my husband doesn't know about me. For instance, that I can play the clarinet. He didn't know, he was impressed. I think I need to start putting out.

  9. Do: Actually take her on the suprise trip you've been saying you'd like to surprise her with for the last 11 years and never got round to! *insert eyeroll*

  10. laughing and nodding. I'm writing up my guide to 20 years marriage but no need now you've covered it all in 4 years x

  11. Heh heh, so true so true! Especially the aching shoulders one!
    For him...Do: Hold your wife following the *ahem* magical moment of the peaks of *ahem* ecstasy.Do not: 
    Hold your wife following the *ahem* magical moment of the peaks of *ahem* ecstasy and then fart.


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