Thursday, May 17, 2012

10 Reasons why I'm deleting your email

Oh look! My Cranky Pants are back!!

I get a lot of emails. Usually a few hundred a day, over three accounts. There's the handful from friends, library notifications, some writing briefs and some PR stuff. Only about 30 emails of the few hundred are worth reading - the rest, well, they're all crap... and most of them I delete without more than a glance.

So I've put together this list so that you know why I never replied to your email. You're welcome.

10 Reasons Why I'm Deleting Your Email
  1. You say you've just finished reading a particular post and thoroughly enjoyed it and would like to place paid links in it... really? It was about domestic violence and the murder of twin babies. Enjoy isn't really a word I'd associate with reading that kind of material. 
  2. Your opening line is how much you love my blog and you mention your favourite post by name. If you'd looked closer, and not just selected a random title, then you'd realize that was a guest post that I DIDN'T WRITE. What makes it worse is that maybe that is your favourite post on my site... gee, way to dent my ego, asshole.
  3. You have sent me a press release asking me to write about your massive multi national company, with multi million dollar advertising budget and when I reply with my ad fees you say you have no budget for blogs.
  4. You address your email "Hi there" "Dear Where's" "Dear Mrs My Glow?" or, my personal favourite "Dear Jackie". I have a pseudonym, use it. I also have a name that is now on the public record and really not that hard to find - when you use that you REALLY get my attention.
  5. You're trying to get me to buy something, usually a penis enlarger or Viagra, but for some reason you think that by spelling it V1agra and Pen1s to circumvent my spam filter, that I won't actually realize and click through. I may not have completed my degree but I'm not that dumb.
  6. You have asked me to promote your dating website for disabled lesbian Mongolian figure skaters living in Uruguay. Last time I checked, my readership in Uruguay wasn't too high so I'm going to pass on that, thanks all the same.
  7. You're kindly letting me know I have inherited $3.2 million after a long lost relative I don't know of has died and to access it will only cost $3000. Now that I'm over the shock of learning my seventh cousin has suddenly passed away, lemme think... errr, no. 
  8. You start your email "Dear lovely new friend" and go on to tell me you like the look of my photo on the blog, would like to move to Australia and marry me, then sign it from Susie. Thanks for looking at my photo and thinking I'm a bloke... unless you're gay in which case I hate to inform you the politicians still haven't gotten off their bigoted asses to make it legal yet.
  9. Your from name is "PerfectlyLegal". If that doesn't ring alarm bells I don't know what does.
  10. I forgot all about it, took too long to respond so just deleted it. At this moment my brain closely resembles mushy peas (though I will guess slightly less green) and I have a to-do list as long as a really long armed person's my arm. For some reason I would prefer to be seen as a rude bitch than a scatterbrain... though I suppose the secret is out now, huh?
Aaaaand special bonus number 11: If it's a chain email. No, I will not forward it on to five friends to prevent the apocalypse!
Why do you delete emails?

20 comments:

  1. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I delete everything in my inbox. I figure they will get back to me if it was important. And my kids miss out on most excursions.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Redundant MotherMay 17, 2012 at 9:22 AM

    There are freaking HEAPS of disabled lesbian figure skaters in Uruguay. But they're not Mongolian, they're Uruguayan. So, just sayin'...you should probably take that one seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Would you forward the pen1s enlarger to me.  Strickly research.  Sort of.

    Cranky Old Man 

    ReplyDelete
  4. For all of the above, Ms Glowless.  And just a thank you for the Norton Anti Virus prize I won on your blog - I managed to get rid of a trojan virus McAfee couldn't fix.  With much gratitude, Liz @Lastchancetraining :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Love it! I'm really curious as to who and why would call you Jackie...?

    I get invited to enlarge my penis on a daily basis. It would be an infinite growth as I do not have one.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I know you were serious there and I did identify with most of the reasons and agree'd whole heartedly, but thank you for making me giggle today. 
    One of my pet peeves is when people don't remove the addresses of previous recipients or use BBC. Those people don't  ever receive anything from me, cause I know they aren't following my requests to use BBC and to remove my email address. thankfully it was a win win, now I don't get all that much junk mail from friends that do just send junk.

    ReplyDelete
  7. oh how I adore your cranky pants...

    Recently I've been getting a spate of emails that don't even had a greeting.. just a cut and pasted media release.... and that is it! DELETE!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Because the entire, 30-line email is one sentence with 'whom' used with gay abandon throughout. Learn to write, people!

    Love this, Glow.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Apparently the Mongolian expat community is HUGE there.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Absolutely, research is so important.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Liz that's so good to hear!!! Thanks for letting me know :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. A mailmerge fail me thinks :) I've been called Jackie and Kate.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I HATE people not using BCC, especially if they're using my personal email account and not the blog email account. Before I lifted the veil of anonymity I will go mental when people did it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ugh yes! How hard is it to figure out mailmerge? :P

    ReplyDelete
  15. Bahahahahaha! Or if they use the word "alot". Bug bear of the century for me.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I only discovered yesterday after accidentally deleting an email that people do chase you up when you don't reply. So perhaps I should copy you and do it that way.

    ReplyDelete
  17. FW:Fw:fw:fw:fw:fw:fw: this one is really funny guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLZ

    delete.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yes , for all of the above except I'm really disappointed about the lottery cheques and inheritance I]ve been sweating on - Seriously I have a huge tax bill and I was counting on them.

    I damn glad I checked my spam folder in my gmail  addy though -it was a followup of a great email in spam that doesn't get redirected to hotmail  and oh the choc one !

    ReplyDelete

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