I try to see the good in life. I really do.
But when the black cloud of mental illness is hanging low, threatening to not just rain but to unleash a vicious cyclone, it can be hard to see anything but the negative. WAIT! Don't click away, I said this wasn't another fucking emo post and I will keep my word... trust me.
Short of singing "Ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive" and wanting to stab my own eardrums out with a skewer, I try to catch myself in the moment and find something, anything, that is good. Call it mindfulness, call it finding the silver lining, call it clutching at the last fragile straws of sanity. Or call it a telepathic parakeet with a mohawk, I don't care, it's your brain, I won't judge.
Whatever you want to call it, it's about not getting so bogged down in your own head. I fail at it 90% of the time, but the other 10% is great. No, really.
The little things matter sometimes. Some of them will elicit a beaming (gummy) smile, others just a slight turning up of the corners of the mouth. But no matter what, it's catching those moments that make the black seem like it won't last forever.
My most recent little things:
- Going to the shopping centre and getting a parking spot undercover, and then getting a trolley that has all four wheels willing to travel in the same direction at the same time
- Finding $20 in a coat pocket from last winter... and the coat still fits
- Finding paper towels that fit my paper towel holder so that I don't have to rip out the centre and try to stuff it all down again
- Tricky coming up and giving me a kiss and a hug for no reason
- Making up a recipe and finding that it just works so well
- Running in to a friend at the shops I've been thinking about... and actually look nice for once with washed hair and non-stained clothing that I don't feel I have to try and hide behind the fresh produce
- Checking my bank balance and seeing that there is more money in there than I thought
- Map Guy bringing home chocolate for me that he was given at a conference, that he has had in his bag all day, not eating, because he thought I'd enjoy it more than him
- A perfectly timed, witty comeback
- Getting a funny text from a good friend, late at night, when we're the only two people still awake
- A simple, cheap and cheerful dinner out at the boat harbour at sunset with my family
Sometimes, the little things are all you have. So we have to cherish them.
What are your little things?