Friday, December 21, 2012

Of Boats, Booze and Barfs

Yesterday I went on a wine cruise that my mum had bought through one of those daily deals sites. We decided to make it a bit of a girls day, cruising up the Swan River on a gorgeous summer's day, wine glass in hand. Ahhh yeah.

I've been on a wine cruise before and figured it would be similar - cushy and air-conditioned with obligatory snack/wine bar and tourist commentary that you're too busy talking over to hear. Instead we were met with a dingey boat that had seen better days. It appeared that they were trying to hide the fact that the boat was ancient and could do with a really good scrub by covering it with lashings of bright turquoise paint on the inside and hear-it-coming-orange on the outside.

Kinda looked like this...
CC wdlindmeiers

About three minutes in to the cruise I was wondering why I even said yes because my stomach had already started doing flips. Not an issue, surely they'll turn on the aircon soon? Wrong. They didn't have any. On a boat where the windows didn't open and half of the roof was made of glass...

It was sweltering and despite it being a calm day I was starting to turn a lovely, and appropriately festive, shade of green. I asked Gopher Smith for a sexy spew bag. I thought he was taking the piss, the way most people mock me for intense sea sickness (I got sick on a cruise ship with 12 decks...) but no, they didn't have any. They don't stock them.

Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of public boat, particularly one that is on a WINE CRUISE serving a tonne of cheap goon to it's patrons, doesn't provide spew bags? Boats and booze, people! One of those is going to make at least one person yack.

Gopher, who looked like one of the Waugh brothers (the sexy one), gave me a shopping bag, complete with hole in the bottom. He might as well have handed me a paper cup and gone all Garth on me. "If you're gonna spew, spew in to this".

On disembarking, after having managed to not lose my lunch (if I'd had lunch - you had to pre-order food on the boat and we weren't told until we got there) I let the guys know they might want to invest in some vom pouches to which they replied "But people don't get sick on the Swan River". I'M PEOPLE, I GOT SICK! Fucker.

It got me thinking, what places have you been that have had the most obvious thing missing? Pub with no beer ala Slim Dusty? Hotel with no mini-bar bed? Tell Aunty Glow and she'll write them all strongly worded emails.


  1. oooooh!!!!!!! I would definitely like to know the company that you went on!! And avoid it like the plague!!!!

  2. Poor you :(

    oh, oh, yes... I went to Chicken Treat and they told me they were out of CHICKEN! FFS!

    And in Mauritius the toiler clerk (yes they exist) kept the roll of paper in her kiosk, not the toilet, the kiosk, and asked me to pay $1 per square if I wanted to take a number 2!! FFS!

  3. Sounds delightful!

    When I was 18 I was DD and showed up at this girl who hated me's house with two ridiculously drunk friends who proceeded to spew tandemly (I'm pretty sure that's a word, right?!) in to her toilet. I was there to see my boyfriend. When I asked her if she had a couple of plastic bags I could take for them to spew in and spare my fathers car, she handed me two of those tiny freezer bags with a disgusted look on her face and told me they were the only bags she had in the house. I suspect that was a lie, due to the aforementioned dislike of me and all I could hear in my head on the way home was "If you're gonna spew, spew in to this." Somehow they both managed to get their spew into the tiny bags and I am forever in awe of that feat!

  4. I totally empathise with the sea-sickness. I am terrified of boats for that reason. A few months ago I was in the US and went on a 'cruise' from Miami to the Bahamas, otherwise known as the journey through hell. The seas were rough, everrrrybody was vomiting and the crew were handing out SEE THROUGH plastic bags! Not even paper bags or dark coloured plastic bags... see through bags! I still don't understand why a cruise company wouldn't invest in some decent vom bags. Yuck xxx



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