Thursday, August 30, 2012

How to clean your junk room in 20 easy steps

It's almost spring and everywhere I look people are cleaning. Including me. The bulk rubbish collection is coming around in two weeks and I'm actually excited. I know. Lame.

So I thought I would share some handy cleaning tips with you. 20 to be exact. You're welcome.

1. Search Pinterest and see lots of lovely spare rooms and study rooms. Start to feel completely ashamed about the hovel you live in and decide to CLEAN ALL THE JUNK.

2. Realize it’s 11:00pm and you’re way too tired to be productive, so make a promise to yourself you will get up early and start first thing the next day.

3. Wake up after a terrible, toddler-interrupted night’s sleep. Spend a few hours on the couch checking emails and tweeting while the kid watches Play School.

4. Go to the junk room and after freaking out a little over where the fuck you should start, go make a cup of tea. It won’t help you at all, but at least it will give you an excuse for a toilet break in an hour.

5. Wade in to the mess and attempt to clear the floor area so you can at least access the whole room

6. Move the Christmas present stash to the shed and realize that you really need to clean the shed as well. Die a little inside.

7. Once the floor is actually able to be walked on, start on the pile of junk in the corner.

8. Find a box of letters you received in year ten from your BFFs and spend an hour reading them all and laughing at how stupid you must have been to find Jeff Ament attractive.

9. Put the letters in a special box and shove in the back of your wardrobe. Realize you really need to clean your wardrobe as well. Die a little bit more inside.

10. Tidy some more papers and find an entire desk and chair that were hiding under the pile of junk. Wonder how the hell you got SO MUCH JUNK.

Image credit: Canonsnapper
11. Become completely overwhelmed and break for lunch. And a nap. And a quick trip to the shops. And some baking since you just bought all the ingredients. Ahhh banana bread you fix everything.

12. Start again with renewed vigor only to have a toddler start screaming because you’re not paying enough attention to him. Sit down and do some colouring in together – be environmentally conscious and use tax receipts and warranty cards. It’s not like you’ll actually get around to filing them, anyway.

13. Create three piles of STUFF; Keep, Ditch and Donate. Sort everything in to these piles. If you’ve done it correctly, the entire floor, that you had only just cleared, will now be covered in even more crap than before.

14. Find something that triggers a bad memory and start rocking in the corner… if you can actually find the corner. If not, the doorway will do.

15. Throw said item against the wall then pick it up and take it straight to the bin, bypassing the Ditch pile. You just made that item your bitch. KUDOS! Cry a bit. Or have more cake. Or both.

16. Uncover an xray/ultrasound and spend the next 15 minutes checking out what your ovaries/uterus/foetus/lungs/heart/bones look like from the inside and realize that you actually could have been staring at a wall because xrays all look the same to you.

17. Wheel the bin up to the back door and just start throwing things in its general direction without checking what they are. You haven’t opened that box in four years; you won’t miss what’s inside it.

18. Discover all the awesome things you bought for a craft project six months ago and decide that now is the perfect time to have another go at it. Jump over the piles of crap and create a shite work of art whilst simultaneously burning your fingerprints off with a glue gun.

19. Decide that there is just too much to do in one day and crack open a bottle of plonk and retire to the couch for the rest of the night.

20. Look over at ALL THE JUNK mocking you. Give it the finger (use your non-wine hand, lest you spill some and have to fucking clean that up too) and start again at step one.

Will you be spring cleaning? Come do mine?


  1. hahaha Jeff Ament. He was my second-to-Eddie band member. For some reason we had to choose someone who wasn't Eddie, my best friend loved Stone Gossard. My problem (excuse) with the decluttering is that we don't have a shed to transfer stuff to. I need a skip. And someone to do it for me.

  2. Haha, clever post.
    Already done mine! Not because is spring but because we had two junk rooms, until the baby got too big for the bassinet and had to go in the cot, so the baby room/junk room had to be cleared out so the cot could fit. Which meant I had to clear out the first junk room. Couldn't be bothered with any sorting so just lugged it all out to the shed. And it can stay there til he cracks the proverbial over it. And yes, even doing that took four exhausting afternoons. Enjoy your clean rooms :)

  3. Well you've just put me off doing the much needed spring clean at my house. I've realised I'm just not ready.

  4. LMAO that was so funny,,,,,and sadly very familiar lol. We have just moved into a new house and it feels like the whole house is a junk room at the moment......why did I not declutter BEFORE I packed for the move??????

  5. Can I just say that when I first saw the title come up on my blogroll I only saw the first line, which was "How to clean your junk". I thought you were going in a whole different direction.

  6. This is pretty much how I clean out the dress up box! I 'started' it weeks ago! There are still more clothes on the floor rather than in the wardrobe!

  7. Kelley @ magnetoboldtooAugust 30, 2012 at 6:16 PM

    rinse and repeat for 2 years and then all of a sudden you have the room back!

    Like me. OMG IT IS AWESOME!

  8. Caroline @ presentimperfectionAugust 30, 2012 at 7:25 PM

    This made me giggle. It's how I tidy!

  9. Time to harden up and be ruthless. Obtain one roll of garbage bags and ditch, ditch, ditch.
    Either that or load everything into a spare room and never open the door again.
    Happy cleaning days.

  10. This post is actually the result of me cleaning out the spare room that we've shoved everything in for the last year... OH MY GOD! 90% is gone and I'm on the home stretch!!

  11. It's so awesome to know other people hate it just as much as me :)

  12. Do not mention the floordrobe. That's a whole other issue!

  13. Because it's so insane! The few times we've moved we've smacked ourselves in the head for not decluttering first. We never learn :(

  14. Hahaha Rachel I don't think anyone is ever ready!

  15. Good luck with that shed clean in a few years... we just did it and I'm about to go buy a shelving unit to get all the stuff off the floor. Meaning I can fit more crap in :P

  16. OMG we are twins! My bestie was in love with Stone Gossard and I felt like I'd be a predictable groupie choosing Eddie so I picked Jeff and convinced myself he was hot. In a shirtless-guitar-playing-dude way he kinda was. A bit.

  17. This gave me a good chuckle, I am so much the same as you, I find something like a box of shit and then decide it need to sort that box out and it takes me 1/2 a day and then nothing else gets done. And don't get me started on the shed. Loving your blog BTW, just found it today.

  18. Thanks, Rachael! We call the shed the man-cave. I dare not go in there!


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