So I thought I would share some handy cleaning tips with you. 20 to be exact. You're welcome.
1. Search Pinterest and see lots of lovely spare rooms and study rooms. Start to feel completely ashamed about the hovel you live in and decide to CLEAN ALL THE JUNK.
2. Realize it’s 11:00pm and you’re way too tired to be productive, so make a promise to yourself you will get up early and start first thing the next day.
3. Wake up after a terrible, toddler-interrupted night’s sleep. Spend a few hours on the couch checking emails and tweeting while the kid watches Play School.
4. Go to the junk room and after freaking out a little over where the fuck you should start, go make a cup of tea. It won’t help you at all, but at least it will give you an excuse for a toilet break in an hour.
5. Wade in to the mess and attempt to clear the floor area so you can at least access the whole room
6. Move the Christmas present stash to the shed and realize that you really need to clean the shed as well. Die a little inside.
7. Once the floor is actually able to be walked on, start on the pile of junk in the corner.
8. Find a box of letters you received in year ten from your BFFs and spend an hour reading them all and laughing at how stupid you must have been to find Jeff Ament attractive.
9. Put the letters in a special box and shove in the back of your wardrobe. Realize you really need to clean your wardrobe as well. Die a little bit more inside.
10. Tidy some more papers and find an entire desk and chair that were hiding under the pile of junk. Wonder how the hell you got SO MUCH JUNK.
|Image credit: Canonsnapper|
12. Start again with renewed vigor only to have a toddler start screaming because you’re not paying enough attention to him. Sit down and do some colouring in together – be environmentally conscious and use tax receipts and warranty cards. It’s not like you’ll actually get around to filing them, anyway.
13. Create three piles of STUFF; Keep, Ditch and Donate. Sort everything in to these piles. If you’ve done it correctly, the entire floor, that you had only just cleared, will now be covered in even more crap than before.
14. Find something that triggers a bad memory and start rocking in the corner… if you can actually find the corner. If not, the doorway will do.
15. Throw said item against the wall then pick it up and take it straight to the bin, bypassing the Ditch pile. You just made that item your bitch. KUDOS! Cry a bit. Or have more cake. Or both.
16. Uncover an xray/ultrasound and spend the next 15 minutes checking out what your ovaries/uterus/foetus/lungs/heart/bones look like from the inside and realize that you actually could have been staring at a wall because xrays all look the same to you.
17. Wheel the bin up to the back door and just start throwing things in its general direction without checking what they are. You haven’t opened that box in four years; you won’t miss what’s inside it.
18. Discover all the awesome things you bought for a craft project six months ago and decide that now is the perfect time to have another go at it. Jump over the piles of crap and create a shite work of art whilst simultaneously burning your fingerprints off with a glue gun.
19. Decide that there is just too much to do in one day and crack open a bottle of plonk and retire to the couch for the rest of the night.
20. Look over at ALL THE JUNK mocking you. Give it the finger (use your non-wine hand, lest you spill some and have to fucking clean that up too) and start again at step one.
Will you be spring cleaning? Come do mine?