Tuesday, January 31, 2012

10 Reasons Why I'm Not Having Sex With You Tonight

Oh look at you clicking over here to check out my sex life, you pervert!

I figured it was about time to get my Cranky Pants on about someone trying to get my Cranky Pants off, so if you're in any way related to myself or Map Guy, you might wanna click away now. Alternatively, feel free to just give me awkward looks the next time we see each other, OK? Great, let's get to it: 

10 Reasons Why I'm Not Having Sex With You Tonight

1. I know how you treated the last girl you slept with as another notch on your belt. It shits me off that you're labeled a Casanova for behaving like an animal whereas if I did the same I'd be branded a slut. Assholes annoy me but double standards piss me off even more.

2. Because I don't actually know who you are. We may have had a few drinks, a lot of laughs and danced the night away together, hell, I may have even professed my undying love to you... but I'm not stupid enough to actually go home with a complete stranger.

3. It's midnight, I've been up since 4am dealing with a velcro toddler who is sick/tantruming/just bloody annoying and I'm completely knackered. If you were interested could you have not hinted at it before 9pm when you were playing video games? The only way you're allowed to touch me right now is if you're massaging my aching shoulders (and no, it will most definitely not lead to anything after the day I've had!).

4. I'm surfing the crimson wave / having a visit from Aunt Flo / have the painters in / it's that time of the month / experiencing code red / riding the injured mouse / have my rags / have my period and I really can't be bothered with towels or showers.

5. The sheets are clean. I love the feeling of a clean body on clean sheets - just give me one night to luxuriate in that silky goodness. P.S. The couch is available, let's go there. P.P.S. The kitchen bench is fine, let's go there too.

6. The toddler is awake and calling for me. There is nothing that kills a mood quicker than your child calling out your name when you're ten minutes in to the deed - the only person calling out my name at that time should be you. Time to shut up shop and hang a "Sorry, we're closed" sign on the front of my knickers.

7. You're not my husband.

8. You are my husband.
 
9. My/your parents are in the next room. I realize they all know we've had sex, we have a child to prove it - but do they really have to hear it? It's kinda hard to feel aroused when you can hear your inlaws breathing, plus, I'm not exactly known for *ahem* being quiet.

10. We have run out of condoms and the last time I even held your hand I got pregnant. The whole two year age gap is overrated, I'm not ready to be up the duff again and I'm not chancing it, buster! Put it back in your pants.

Why aren't you having sex tonight? Don't tell me you have a headache, that excuse doesn't cut it

33 comments:

  1. When its Witching Hour & you can see the house is a mess & I'm struggling with the kids but you are still sitting comfortably on the couch watching tv totally oblivious to the fact that I'm about to lose it!! Dude! Don't even touch me.

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  2. Wow, good for you two getting ten minutes into it!  After 10 minutes I'm finishing my cigarette.

    Cranky Old Man

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  3. In my job, I've been massaging egoes all day (not a metaphor). I'm not massaging yours tonight (not a metaphor).

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  4. I. Love. School. Days.

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Guess what I got to do today with no kids knocking on the door lol

    Totally TMI, but you started it! lol

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  5. I'm not having sex tonight because my husband won't put out!!

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  6. Love it! Got a "visitor" this morning myself. Sent text to husband - "Periods. Consider yourself warned." I think I might make it into a t-shirt! ;)

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  7. Ten minutes in? Impressive! X

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  8. with arthritis in my lower back, I sometimes pull the old, 'my back is too sore' or 'my knees & ankles are killing me tonight'. Or the old 'I've got my period Dumbass' works every time.

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  9. NUMBER SIX! Why does it not kill the mood for men? Mr Black gets mad if I shut up shop because of that. Buddy, your best move would be to happily stop, get up to the kids and entertain them so I don't have to get up. Do that and you will find that I will seek you out to finish off the deed.

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  10. I fall asleep very quickly, if you want to get it on, don't wait until I'm half asleep and then try.. Try when we first go to bed and I'm still awake.. lol

    I used to say no when I had a headache, I would not say no now that I know it actually helps!If he tried as much as he used to, he'd get it more. I say no like 10% of the times I used to!

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  11. ToddandchereeplusthreeJanuary 31, 2012 at 12:07 PM

    Husband is away with work.... so if I was to get any action tonight it wouldn't be with him... ummm maahhh (note: there will be no action in this house tonight)

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  12. 10 minutes in and I've mentally written the shopping list. Laughing at cranky old man. He's probably rolled his ciggie in the time too ;-)

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  13. I mis-read your blog post title. Thought it was "10 reasons why I'm not having rough sex with you tonight."

    HA!

    Sex is so overrated. I've had my children ... why do I need it anymore?

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  14. I heart you muchly, Dr Bron, can't wait to meet you :)

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  15. Wooooo hooooo!!! There's no such thing as TMI in blogging ;-)

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  16. I don't understand how it doesn't kill the mood for guys, my legs physically clamp shut when I hear him... which could be kinda painful I suppose hehe

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  17. Ahhh yes, if only they wouldn't get offended when we actually lean over and grab a pen and start writing!

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  18. Well there's always the toy drawer... ;-)

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  19. I take aaaages to fall asleep so have the same rule sorta - if I'm almost asleep DO NOT ask for sex or it will be HOURS until I'm asleep again (and not because the sex lasted that long!)

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  20. I'm somehow reminded of Austin Powers when asked if he smoked after sex and he said "I don't know, baby, I haven't looked".

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  21. Have you perfect the don't touch me look? I think I've got it down pat.

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  22. I don't even need to tell Map Guy - it's not that he's perceptive or tracks it, it's just that the PMS is REALLY OBVIOUS.

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  23. I use that excuse sometimes ;-)

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  24. Husband is in Brisbane for a week.

    Even if he were here sex would be a no-go. By dose is blocked. Can't breathe, feel incredibly unsexy. I bet he'd still try though.

    Jayne, who can't remember her disqus username and password when commenting from the phone...

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  25. Bwhahahaha, I do love your cranky pants!  I also found reasons 7 & 8 hilarious. :)  Sorry Map Guy . . .

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  26. *giggles* Yes well I already know that don't I... but TMI on someone else's blog is another story lol

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  27. Because friends are bunking in the same room as us!! Yes. True story.

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  28. number 3. always number 3. 

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  29.  Can I just say what a comfort to find someone who genuinely understands what they are talking about on the net. You certainly understand how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More people ought to check this out and understand this side of your story. For me i would refer no.3 It's midnight, I've been up since 4am dealing with a Velcro toddler who
    is sick/tantrum/just bloody annoying and I'm completely knackered.

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  30. Nos 3 and 6 usually. But not a toddler, a 7 year old with ADHD.
    Great post LOL
    x

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