Market Research 101

I did a product survey yesterday. I do a lot of them. I'm not talking about the cool Bloggy things, I mean the focus group type surveys.

Aunty Penny works in marketing so whenever these things come around in my inbox I think about how some poor schmuck has gone to so much effort to put this survey together, and I feel a bit sorry for them. What if no one fills out their survey? What if they get fired because of that? It would be my fault, since the world revolves around me and all. So I take a few minutes to fill it out.

I also do the phone surveys that "only take two minutes" that actually take ten minutes. You can look me up in the phonebook under "Sucker".

Though telemarketers are a different story; I'm never ever rude to them, since I was one, but dude, do NOT call me during dinner and then get huffy when I say no thank you. That is a one way ticket to phone slammage. It's a word, trust me.

But I digress.

Yesterday's survey was about a new shower gel. It asked me how exciting the product was.

Um, excuse me? Exciting? No. It's shower gel. I don't get in the shower, turn to see my shower gel then shout out whoopeeeeeee just because I've seen that it's some new organic crap in a fancy pants recycled hemp bottle with added essential oils. It's just shower gel.

So, marketing gurus, take note; here, for your benefit is the list of questions and answers I would like to see you ask about your brand spanking new product the next time I get your survey:

1. Based on our carefully worded spiel and fancy air brushed pictures of the new shower gel, are you:
a) Very impressed
b) Slightly impressed
c) Not very impressed
d) Dude, it's shower gel. Put an elephant in the bottle and then I'll be impressed.

Why elephant? I dunno, sounded good in my head

2. Based on the lovely description but complete lack of price details, how likely are you to purchase this amazing new shower gel when you're next at the shops?:
a) Very likely
b) Somewhat likely
c) Unlikely
d) Dude, it's shower gel. If I've run out, it's on special and cheaper than everything else I will buy it.

3. Which of these phrases describes how new and different you think this product is compared to what is available?
a) Extremely new and different
b) Somewhat new and different
c) Not very new and different
d) Dude, it's shower gel, it's not new or different at all. A funny shaped bottle doesn't make you cool.

4. How relevant is this super duper shower gel to your house hold?
a) Very relevant
b) Slightly relevant
c) Not relevant
d) Dude, it's shower gel. I shower, therefore it's gotta be a bit relevant, right?

There you have it, marketing gurus. You can send your cheques to me now!

Are you a sucker? Do you do marketing surveys? Do you want elephants in your shower gel?
No elephants were harmed in the making of this post.

Letter to my younger self

Dear Glowless age 16,

Let's get straight to the (bullet) point - there are some important things you should know:

• You are not fat so stop fussing about how much you weigh and what size clothes you are wearing. However, if you do continue to eat the way you do and don't do any exercise you will balloon out in a few years time and you will think to yourself "What the hell was I obsessing about before?"
  
• You might be doing well at school, but you could afford to study a little bit harder... just a bit. Perhaps in your "Free Study" period instead of talking and gossiping.
• Don't gossip! This is pretty self explanatory.
  
• You're only young and have been through a lot of crap already but you are doing way better than you think. The next few years are going to be tough, real tough - but you can get through this, just don't be afraid to ask for help (asking sooner rather than later will save you lots of money on therapy in the future).
• Stop being mean to your sister - you might not believe me, but in a few short years you and her will no longer be arch enemies. She'll be your biggest supporter, your confidante and your best friend.
  
• Speaking of family; shut up for a minute and listen to your mother! She knows everything and is always right. The sooner you realize this, the better! You could even use this to your advantage - ask her opinion on something that matters, like if your boyfriend is a loser.
• Quality beats quantity in every aspect of life. Outings, friends, holidays, you name it.
• In the coming years you're going to wonder if you're the one who is weird or it's everybody else... the answer is both.

That's pretty much it. I don't want to tell you everything because you need to make mistakes in order to learn... plus some of them are gonna be fun to make.

Love Glowless age 28 xxx

P.S. In the 2010 AFL grand final, put some money on a draw, it'll pay $34-1

What would you tell your younger self if you could? Leave a comment below with your answer.

An open letter to Lindsay Lohan

Despite her recent legal issues — and recent reports that while driving she allegedly clipped a stroller with a toddler in it — Lindsay Lohan wants to be a mom! The star has confided to a pal that she’s determined to stay sober and thinks the best way for her to achieve that goal is to get pregnant. According to the pal, Lindsay, 24, hates being alone and thinks a baby would make the perfect companion. She’s seen what motherhood has done for former party girl Nicole Richie and thinks it can do the same for her. “She needs to be around someone nearly 24 hours a day,” the pal says. “She thinks having a baby could straighten out her life."

In Touch Weekly, 9 September 2010

Dear Lindsay,

This week I read that you want to become a mum (sorry, a mom). Now I'm not sure sure how accurate the reporting at In Touch Weekly is since they claim their source is unnamed "pal" of yours, but if they're right I'd like to know one thing: WTF are you thinking?

A baby is not a "companion". They aren't very good company at all really. Definitely not at the beginning. All they do is sleep, feed and poo. Over and over again. They don't even smile at you for six weeks. And then when they do start smiling and giggling guess what they do the other 23 hours of the day? Yep, you guessed it - sleep, feed and poo.

They're not a toy that you can take around with you to show off - that is what handbag sized dogs are for. Perhaps a Shih Tzu would be more appropriate? Nor are they a doll that you can play dress ups with. Whilst I am guilty of dressing Tricky up in funky little outfits and super cute Dunlop Volleys (thanks NM), I'm sure the novelty would wear off pretty quickly when your little bundle of joy pukes all over your $1200 Manolo Blahniks and down his $400 Gucci romper.

I understand that you think having a baby will help you stay sober. I can assure you that there hasn't been a single day of motherhood where I haven't felt like having a glass (or two, or three, or a bottle) of wine - you know, just to take the edge off and help me relax after countless hours of feeding, changing, rocking and singing lullabies.

Your pal, whom I'm sure got a nice fat cheque for saying it, reckons you need someone around you 24 hours a day. Having a baby isn't like having an assistant or an adoring groupie hanging around - you're the one who has to be devoted to them. Plus having someone around 24 hours a day gets old really quick when you realize you can't even go to the toilet in peace. At least with a groupie you can call security and have them removed and then fire your assistant.

So my advice to you is simple: get a bonsai tree. Once you - and i mean YOU, not your housekeeper, not your mum (sorry, mom) or your assistant - have kept it healthy for a whole year, get a dog (the afore mentioned Shih Tzu would be a good choice). When you - and just YOU - have kept it healthy for a whole year you can perhaps start to think about possibly maybe considering having a baby some time in the future. What gives me the right to say all this? I'm a mother and unsolicited advice is what we do best. I wish you the best of luck.

Regards,

Glowless

Words of wisdom

The past few weeks I've been given lots of advice from friends who are mothers. Advice on birth, pain relief, breastfeeding, you name it. And whilst it has been mostly unsolicited (because I think if I ask too many questions they'll realise I have NO IDEA and call the authorities), it has all been welcome and genuinely helpful. Like one mother who told me if Tricky doesn't latch on properly, even though you're insanely tired and just want the feed over and done with, take him off and try again because your body will thank you for it the next day – awesome advice (thanks, Melissa).

So far the only unwanted advice has been from my own dad, who thinks he knows all there is to know about babies today because he had a hand in raising my sisters and I NEARLY THIRTY YEARS AGO, and because he watches a lot of TV. That's right, its my old nemesis Today Tonight coming to get me again! To start with I was very nice when he offered suggestions I would inform him that a lot has changed since he did this last - for instance, putting a baby to sleep on their tummy was still in vogue until the early 1990s (and even championed by the renowned Dr Benjamin Spock) because it was thought if the baby vomited it would get caught and they'd choke, whereas now there is a wealth of evidence to suggest a baby sleeping on their abdomen is at an increased risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). But shooting out statistics at him is like talking to a brick wall because “the people on Today Tonight said...”

So last week I changed tactics - it was time to play hard ball. Instead of bombarding him with facts and information from the latest antenatal class I sat there and listened intently until he finished... then laughed so hard I nearly cried! He was more than a little taken aback and asked was I OK? I put it to him simply that the people he had watched had been paid for their opinion and that I'm sure I could find another, equally qualified person willing to spout their opposite opinion to camera for some dollars too. I think it did the job - so far, no new advice has been forthcoming.

At the moment I'm still all ears when it comes to advice, which is good because I'm told it going to be coming in thick and fast as soon as Tricky arrives on the scene. Even the midwives at the hospital have differing opinions to each other so how am I meant to work out what to do? And what will I do on that day when a complete stranger comes up and starts telling me I'm doing it all wrong? I've been reading a new blog called “That baby looks cold” and even though it makes me laugh, I'm frightened! If the moodiness of pregnancy lingers I'm likely to assault someone. "Tricky do you know what happened during your first Christmas?", "Yes, Mummy went to jail!"

Did you get any strangers offering unwanted advice? Or maybe you have a concerned (read: meddling) family member that watches your every move, telling you you're doing it wrong? Leave a comment below (go on, its like therapy but cheaper).