Friday, September 10, 2010

An open letter to Lindsay Lohan

Despite her recent legal issues — and recent reports that while driving she allegedly clipped a stroller with a toddler in it — Lindsay Lohan wants to be a mom! The star has confided to a pal that she’s determined to stay sober and thinks the best way for her to achieve that goal is to get pregnant. According to the pal, Lindsay, 24, hates being alone and thinks a baby would make the perfect companion. She’s seen what motherhood has done for former party girl Nicole Richie and thinks it can do the same for her. “She needs to be around someone nearly 24 hours a day,” the pal says. “She thinks having a baby could straighten out her life."

Dear Lindsay,

This week I read that you want to become a mum (sorry, a mom). Now I'm not sure sure how accurate the reporting at In Touch Weekly is since they claim their source is unnamed "pal" of yours, but if they're right I'd like to know one thing: WTF are you thinking?

A baby is not a "companion". They aren't very good company at all really. Definitely not at the beginning. All they do is sleep, feed and poo. Over and over again. They don't even smile at you for six weeks. And then when they do start smiling and giggling guess what they do the other 23 hours of the day? Yep, you guessed it - sleep, feed and poo.

They're not a toy that you can take around with you to show off - that is what handbag sized dogs are for. Perhaps a Shih Tzu would be more appropriate? Nor are they a doll that you can play dress ups with. Whilst I am guilty of dressing Tricky up in funky little outfits and super cute Dunlop Volleys (thanks NM), I'm sure the novelty would wear off pretty quickly when your little bundle of joy pukes all over your $1200 Manolo Blahniks and down his $400 Gucci romper.

I understand that you think having a baby will help you stay sober. I can assure you that there hasn't been a single day of motherhood where I haven't felt like having a glass (or two, or three, or a bottle) of wine - you know, just to take the edge off and help me relax after countless hours of feeding, changing, rocking and singing lullabies.

Your pal, whom I'm sure got a nice fat cheque for saying it, reckons you need someone around you 24 hours a day. Having a baby isn't like having an assistant or an adoring groupie hanging around - you're the one who has to be devoted to them. Plus having someone around 24 hours a day gets old really quick when you realize you can't even go to the toilet in peace. At least with a groupie you can call security and have them removed and then fire your assistant.

So my advice to you is simple: get a bonsai tree. Once you - and i mean YOU, not your housekeeper, not your mum (sorry, mom) or your assistant - have kept it healthy for a whole year, get a dog (the afore mentioned Shih Tzu would be a good choice). When you - and just YOU - have kept it healthy for a whole year you can perhaps start to think about possibly maybe considering having a baby some time in the future. What gives me the right to say all this? I'm a mother and unsolicited advice is what we do best. I wish you the best of luck.



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