Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Conversations with my Personal Trainer

When I joined the gym six months ago (whaaat? it's been six months?) I picked a deal that got me three Personal Training sessions. I was pumped. I was ready. I was scared shitless, but I was gonna do this. I was all Lletyon Hewitt backward salute C'MOOOOONNNNNN.

I had ONE session and then my trainer went on holiday, then never answered his phone. No worries, I'll ask at the counter... four times over the following four months and all I got was a "Yep, we'll look in to that" but nothing ever happened. Were they re-asking the same guy? Did they approach another trainer? I have no clue. But I still didn't know how to use any of the machiney things without killing myself because I hadn't had that session yet.

On January 1st I was in such a bad mood I was all "I MUST GO TO THE GYM NOW BEFORE I KILL SOMEONE" and I did a pump class. I sucked at it, but I did it. On the way out I stopped by the desk to ask again for my training sessions and introduction - and one of my most favourite people in the world and one of the reasons I joined that gym, was working reception. I opened my mouth to ask her if she could look in to it... and I started bawling my eyes out.

A bit of the ol' "talk to you later" excuses and apologies and I made a hasty exit.

Before I even stepped foot inside my house, she'd messaged MapGuy checking if I was OK. He let her know I was just having one of those whole shitty at the world days (months) and that I was a bit pissed I still hadn't had my training sessions.

Nekminnit... Hello, new trainer calling me up for an appointment. I guess it is all down to who you know. But it totally shouldn't be, I've bloody paid for this introduction, it shouldn't take me having a little breakdown at reception in front of a mate to get shit done.

Anywho, I've had two sessions now and I'm booking in for more. The whole #GlowGetsFit is still happening... s l o w l y. V e r y   s l o w l y. So slow, that I'm fatter and less fit now that when I started, but hey, it's all about trying again and not eating so many Freddo Frogs, right?

Here's some of the shit that gets said both out loud and in my head during the 45 minutes we spend together... it's making me realise it was probably why the first trainer never called me back.

PT: Can you circle the areas you'd like to improve?
Me: *circles the whole body*
PT: Right *stares at me*
Me: I'm not making this easy, am I?

PT: What goal would you like to achieve from Personal Training?
Me: Um, to like, be fit and stuff? To be able to open jars without help, maybe?
PT: So do you want to gain muscle? Or lose weight? Or increase your stamina? What?
Me: Yes.
PT: I gave you three options.
Me: Yes.

PT: Do you have any injuries that I need to know about before we start?
Me: How long do we have? Chronic pain disorder, lax ligaments, oh yeah, and this one time I BROKE MY BACK.

Me: Does PT stand for Pain Time?
PT: No, five more.

Me: Does it stand for Pectoral Tension?
PT: Really? Four more, don't stop.

Me: Does running errands count as cardio?
PT: No, keep going.
Me: What about running after my kids?
PT: *eye roll*

Me: Is it meant to hurt this much?
PT: You've had kids, that hurts more doesn't it?
Me: Technically, but at the end of that pain I got a baby, at the end of this I just get sweaty and smelly.

PT: I like your Ninja Turtles shirt, that's cool.
Me: Thanks! I wear it to keep up the guise of "cool mum".
PT: *raises eyebrow*

Me: OK, close to puking.
PT: Please don't puke, I don't want to have to clean it up.
Me: Gotcha. Stopping before puking.

Me: Does it have to be arm day? I couldn't pick up my burger after last weeks session... oh, wait, now I see the point of arm day.
PT: You don't stop talking, do you?
Me: I talk shit when I'm nervous.
PT:  I noticed. Six more. 

PT: You OK? 
Me: My head is pounding and it's getting dark in here
PT: Yeah, time to stop. Best to pull back before you pass out.

Me: See you next week?
PT: Yep, good work today.

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