Welcome to lesson three of How Not To Ruin Your Marriage. Today we'll discuss the big kahuna... moolah!
The stuff that doesn't grow on trees, that can't buy love or happiness and definitely can't buy a sense of style or taste, can quite easily have you fretting, making stupid decisions and land you in the dog house with your spouse.
I've compiled a list of five tips and tricks, based on my own disastrous experiences, to help you navigate the world of money in relationships:
- When going to buy some 'too good to be true bargain rims with new tyres' (so that you can get rid of the rims and have a new set of tyres), and the seller tells you "Oh no, it's just the rims"... DO NOT BUY THEM BECAUSE YOU FELT BAD FOR THE SELLER! They will just end up taking up valuable space in the shed because really, who the fuck wants a set of Kia rims? Your wife will hold this expensive and yet worthless purchase over you for a long, long time, so best not to do it.
- Don't take the 'out of sight, out of mind' approach to parking tickets. If you settle them when you first get them it will ensure your husband doesn't have to urgently go all the way to the state court to clear it up for you and pay a penalty to stop you losing your license
- On booking a buck's night, obtain RSVPs before paying out almost $1000 in tickets and transport for the event. When you're left out of pocket by nearly $800 it's likely your wife will make earrings out of your testicles then sell them on Etsy in an effort to recoup the loss
- Check your bank account before doing the grocery shopping lest you be sending frantic texts to your husband asking for a money transfer while the other shoppers gives you death stares for holding up the line right before school pick up time. This simple step not only helps you avoid the embarrassment of a rejected card but also stops you getting cranky at your husband for not getting the message and rescuing you because he was in a meeting earning money so you could buy said groceries
- Try to refrain from sending a picture message to your wife of the car you just bought without any discussion, saying "This is our new car, hope you like green". If you'd like to buy something that large without telling her, put a huge mofo bow on it and voila, not only is it longer an issue, but you're the best husband ever