Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Lost: One Mojo

Um, help?

A few weeks ago I had motivation in spades. Instead of doing 20 minutes of exercise, I'd do 60, and I felt brilliant for it. My rest days were "active rest" and I was making awesome choices when it came to food.

I was smashing my goals. 

It was hurting, but it was "I've exercised" pain, not "My body is fucked" pain. But then it switched and I entered a pain flare. In the scheme of things it wasn't even a bad one. Then, I got a little bit sick.

Every time I ate something, I'd spend hours wanting to bring it back up. Major nausea, all long weekend. In addition to that, I was bone tired, and heading to bed at 8:30pm even after TWO naps a day. Map Guy said I was acting like I was pregnant, so I spent 24 hours freaking out and religiously researching the chances of getting preggers with an Implanon implant (extremely low, phew!).

I'm in a funk. And not a cool, treadmill dancing up town funky wunk.

A proper, why bother, this is stupid, I'm worthless, might as well eat a whole damn cheesecake to myself, FUNK. 

My old coping mechanisms have come rushing back. Secret binge eating, being the top one. 

I haven't exercised in a week, and yeah, I get how pathetic that sounds, "oh a week? get over yourself, arsehole", but in that week I have completely lost my mojo. There is no desire there at all. When people wondered why I wasn't having a full rest day, THIS IS WHY. If I stop, I won't start again. I'm such an all or nothing person.

Yesterday I got in to my workout gear. Felt stupid. Looked fat. Got back in to jeans and stole one of Bobbin's Easter eggs. Because on top of being unhealthy and unfit, I'm mother of the year, obviously. 

I'm pissed off at myself. I've just hit the half way mark of Get Commando Fit and I've gone from doing so well, to being a couch potato in the space of seven days... and I don't know how to turn it around. I've been looking up inspirational women on Instagram and YouTube; mamas who have worked hard to get fit and I want to be like them so much... but there is something stopping me. I'm using the Commando forums, but only to read because I feel like a dick for even thinking this way. I'm at a loss, and I just don't know how to get my mojo back.

Help? Please? 

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