Monday, February 17, 2014

The Quiet Blogger and the Anxious Social Butterfly

The quiet blogger? Well that seems like a bit of an oxymoron. Can quiet and blogger even be used in the same sentence without setting in to motion a sad, slow, social media death? Let's see, shall we?

I'm quiet right now in my online space. I'm scribbling drafts but not hitting publish. I'm uploading a few pictures and statuses to Facebook but I've practically forgotten what Twitter is. And I don't apologize.

I took on "slow blogging" when Bobbin was born because PRIORITIES. But that word could very easily be swapped out for renovations, stress, PND, anxiety, life and even meh sometimes. But if I say priorities it makes me look better.

I do miss this little community, though. I miss the purging of thoughts. And I miss reading the anecdotes you share.

As an extrovert, I need to be around people and usually, whenever I'm feeling depressed or anxious I retreat in to a shell, let the real world go by without me and tuck myself in to this virtual space where it is safe and warm and there is Buzzfeed. I always feel worse but the effort to actually get out there and do something about it has seemed too great. Plus, ya know, Buzzfeed.

This time though, getting out and being with people is almost at the top of my priority list because the knock on effect is beneficial for all of us, though perhaps not for my waist line. Coffee date, anyone? So I find myself with play dates, morning teas, girls nights and meetings coming out my ears. And I'm loving it. I'm anxious as all hell, with nails bitten down to the nubs, but a full social calendar. The anxious and socially awkward social butterfly. Who knew?!

With the added OMG PEOPLE WILL JUDGE ME that comes with going out (yes, even with my friends because I'm loopy and lacking confidence and LOVE ME, DAMMIT!), and staying "in character" (read: in clothes that aren't jimjams) for so many hours a day, by the time I come home I am utterly exhausted, both physically and mentally.

When I finish putting the kids to bed, organizing the next days activities and have a shower, I'm so far past knackered that I have sore, swollen feet that I swear are just one hot day away from being cankles. On the few nights I feel like I have an iota of energy left, my old friend OCD gatecrashes my party and I must clean ALL TEH THINGS.

So this corner of the Blogosphere is quiet as my priorities shift and my life settles. And that is OK. A few years ago the lack of a new post would have had me sweating, but now, it feels good. It feels right to step back a little. I'm still here, just breathing, getting my shit together and trying to be a better person.

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