Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The internal monologue of the anxious chick at the PR event

This is a C2 post
For full details please see my disclosure policy
Last week I went an awesome PR event. A cake decorating class (with no obligation to blog, I might add) to help celebrate Appliances Online’s 8th birthday and help spread the word about their cake decorating competition (you decorate an appliance themed cake and hashtag it #AOLbirthday to win awesome appliances – ends this week so spit spot).

Now we all know I’m fond of appliances. When this renovation malarkey is finished I will have an entire cupboard space dedicated to them. It will be like a shrine and I will worship at the alter of convenient and fast food preparation. So I said yes. Then the whole “OMG I HAVE TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE WHEN I FEEL LIKE CRAP” thing hit me and I wondered why the hell I was doing it.

Cake. Cake is why I was doing it.

So here’s how it went…

8:15am OK. Nappy bag? Check. Phone? Check. Child looking adorable in cutest outfit? Check. Go, go, go. Do NOT be late. Everyone will stare at you and think you’re rude. I repeat, do NOT be late. If you’re not 15 minutes early, you’re late. Don’t forget to pick up Georgia.

8:45am Sweet, Georgia is on time. Could not handle being late. Oh wow, she has a present for Bobbin. I feel bad. I don’t have anything for her. I didn’t get her anything when her kids were born. I didn’t know her when her kids were born but that is beside the point. Set GPS and drive. Do NOT be late.

9:30am Where the fuck am I? This is a house, not a cake shop. I followed the GPS and it has taken me to the wrong spot. OH SHIT. It autocorrected the address. We’ve come 20 minutes out of our way. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit! I’m the biggest dickhead in the world. Who doesn’t check the address? What moron named two streets so similar? If I find him I’m gonna smack him upside the head. Fuuuuuck It’s OK. It’s OK. Go now and you will still be on time. WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A TRUCK DRIVING SO SLOW IN FRONT OF US?!

9:40am Bobbin please stop crying. Is it drive slow in front of Glow day? FECK!

9:45am Bobbin pleeeeeeaaaaase stop crying.

9:50am OK. Baby has milk. Baby is more important than being on time. People will understand, surely. When the kid is hungry, you have to feed it. They’ll understand. Should I tweet them?

10:01am YOU’RE LATE!!!!!!!!!! Go home. Just go. Drop Georgia and go. Pick her up after. Make an excuse. Oh god I’m so dizzy.

10:05am OK, they haven’t started. It will be OK. Who are these people? Repeat their names so you don’t forget. Woo, Bobbin is best buffer ever. Yes, let’s all talk about the baby.

10:10am Walk out, the baby is crying. People don’t like crying babies. Boob. Yes, boob. Boob fixes everything. Go back in. Oh shit, what did I miss? Who is that talking? I shouldn’t have come. I wonder if I should take a tablet to calm down? Oh they have free delivery. Cool.

10:30am Everyone is being nice. This could work. Stay with Georgia. Stay with Georgia. Stay with Georgia. Smile. Nod. Smile more. Talk. ACT NATURAL.

10:35am Baby smells, excuse yourself. Oh bloody hell, it’s leaked on to her clothes!!! Wardrobe malfunction!!! ABORT!!! ABORT!!! Will they notice she’s changed outfit? They’ll all know it went everywhere. Oh shit, is it on my clothes?!

10:40am I don’t think they noticed. PHEW! Do some of the cake thing. You came for cake. Do it. It looks like you’re not having fun. Talk to people. Smile. Laugh.

11:00am You’ve done cake decorating, why are you not getting in there and doing it? Baby is no excuse, she’s in the hugabub, she’s fine. Take a photo. Put it on Instagram.

11:30am Is it rude to just offload my kid on to these people? They keep offering. They seem to really want to cuddle her. Do it. Oh, she likes them. Look at her smile. Wow, I love her smile. Happiest baby ever.

11:40am Make a Santa? I can do that! You’ve done this before, all is well. Oh baby stinks again. Wow, the staff are so nice, I’m so glad I made a point to remember her name… shit. What’s her name?

11:50am It’s OK to breastfeed in a commercial kitchen, isn’t it? I’m sure it is. Of course it is. Just do it. Excellent. Sit back and relax for a bit. No, keep doing the Santa. Everyone will think it sucks. Try harder. Wait, don’t try so hard, you look like a… try hard. Smile. Make a joke.

12:00pm So tired. Don’t let anyone see you yawn, they’ll think you’re bored. Being “on” is exhausting.

12:20pm Sweet jesus I get to take home an appliance? Duuude! I was coming for cake! Awesome.

12:30pm Talk to camera or you look like a selfish bitch. I bet I look ugly and fat on that video. Say thank you. Say it again. Once more, for good measure. Thank the other girl. Oh crap what was her name again? They are such lovely people.

12:40pm Get in the car. Don’t hit the pole while everyone is watching. Go, drive. Oh shit, wrong way. Um, fuck. Where am I? Fuckity, fuck. Oh god. It’s coming. The panic is coming. Stop moving your hands like that. Calm down. It’s not safe to drive when you’re like this, you need to calm the fuck down NOW. YOU’RE AN EMBARASSMENT! Apologize to Georgia. Profusely. She’ll never want to come out with you again now for sure. Shit. Stop apologizing now, you sound like a tool.

1:00pm OK. Blood pressure returning to normal. You can do this. Georgia is so nice. It’s awesome to have fun friends.

1:30pm You’re alone now. You did OK. Hopefully they didn’t notice you were ready to snap. Maybe they think you’re just aloof and not a total bitch. You can let go of that fart now.

Anxiety is exhausting. I needed a two hour nap when I got home to recover. These meds better kick in quick.

Do you freak out?

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