Monday, August 26, 2013

An open letter to Kevin McCloud

Dear Kevin,

It came to my attention recently that you will be visiting Australia for a little jaunt in the very near future. In fact I found out that you were coming only one day after exclaiming that I will likely have a breakdown while we do a house extension unless you came and visited. Some people would call that simply serendipitous or a mere coincidence, and some would call it an automated email from the ticketing partner. I would like to call it fate.

Kevin, I'd like to extend an invitation to you to visit my home during our building project which will be in full swing when you are in Perth. Yes, Perth! It is the city left off every tour but yet you have chosen to grace us, the most remote capital city in the world, with your presence. You have no idea how many brownie points this just got you. If you come to my house it will earn you actual brownies, too!

Whilst this is just an ordinary suburban house (a bungalow to you UK folk), and not a falling down barn, a repurposed water tank or even a skinny block with zero access other than giant cranes, we are doing some things in keeping with the overarching themes of Grand Designs such as:
  • fancy wall insulation
  • eco glass and flooring
  • solar tubing
  • a vegetable garden and chooks (I will name one Kevin if you like)
  • living on site while it happens  
  • having a baby right in the middle of it all
We respectfully decline to fall pregnant again mid-build though. Is that actually part of the contract the TV station gets people to sign? It is rumoured to be.

If it would help seal the deal I can arrange for:
  • the insulation to be delivered from Belgium
  • the windows to come in the wrong size
  • the budget to blow out to the point where I refuse to actually say the final amount
  • Aussie stereotypes aplenty - I can organize with the local zoo for a Kangaroo and/or Koala to be on site at all times
Know that I am so committed to this that I would also arrange for unseasonal downpours that put us months behind schedule if I could, but alas, my talents do not stretch that far.

So how about it, Kevin? I'll pop the kettle on and whip up those brownies, or if you'd like to come straight after your show I'll open a bottle of plonk and throw some sausages on the barbie.

Yours in anticipation,


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