Conversations with my Personal Trainer

When I joined the gym six months ago (whaaat? it's been six months?) I picked a deal that got me three Personal Training sessions. I was pumped. I was ready. I was scared shitless, but I was gonna do this. I was all Lletyon Hewitt backward salute C'MOOOOONNNNNN.

I had ONE session and then my trainer went on holiday, then never answered his phone. No worries, I'll ask at the counter... four times over the following four months and all I got was a "Yep, we'll look in to that" but nothing ever happened. Were they re-asking the same guy? Did they approach another trainer? I have no clue. But I still didn't know how to use any of the machiney things without killing myself because I hadn't had that session yet.

On January 1st I was in such a bad mood I was all "I MUST GO TO THE GYM NOW BEFORE I KILL SOMEONE" and I did a pump class. I sucked at it, but I did it. On the way out I stopped by the desk to ask again for my training sessions and introduction - and one of my most favourite people in the world and one of the reasons I joined that gym, was working reception. I opened my mouth to ask her if she could look in to it... and I started bawling my eyes out.

A bit of the ol' "talk to you later" excuses and apologies and I made a hasty exit.

Before I even stepped foot inside my house, she'd messaged MapGuy checking if I was OK. He let her know I was just having one of those whole shitty at the world days (months) and that I was a bit pissed I still hadn't had my training sessions.

Nekminnit... Hello, new trainer calling me up for an appointment. I guess it is all down to who you know. But it totally shouldn't be, I've bloody paid for this introduction, it shouldn't take me having a little breakdown at reception in front of a mate to get shit done.

Anywho, I've had two sessions now and I'm booking in for more. The whole #GlowGetsFit is still happening... s l o w l y. V e r y   s l o w l y. So slow, that I'm fatter and less fit now that when I started, but hey, it's all about trying again and not eating so many Freddo Frogs, right?

Here's some of the shit that gets said both out loud and in my head during the 45 minutes we spend together... it's making me realise it was probably why the first trainer never called me back.

PT: Can you circle the areas you'd like to improve?
Me: *circles the whole body*
PT: Right *stares at me*
Me: I'm not making this easy, am I?

PT: What goal would you like to achieve from Personal Training?
Me: Um, to like, be fit and stuff? To be able to open jars without help, maybe?
PT: So do you want to gain muscle? Or lose weight? Or increase your stamina? What?
Me: Yes.
PT: I gave you three options.
Me: Yes.

PT: Do you have any injuries that I need to know about before we start?
Me: How long do we have? Chronic pain disorder, lax ligaments, oh yeah, and this one time I BROKE MY BACK.

Me: Does PT stand for Pain Time?
PT: No, five more.

Me: Does it stand for Pectoral Tension?
PT: Really? Four more, don't stop.

Me: Does running errands count as cardio?
PT: No, keep going.
Me: What about running after my kids?
PT: *eye roll*

Me: Is it meant to hurt this much?
PT: You've had kids, that hurts more doesn't it?
Me: Technically, but at the end of that pain I got a baby, at the end of this I just get sweaty and smelly.

PT: I like your Ninja Turtles shirt, that's cool.
Me: Thanks! I wear it to keep up the guise of "cool mum".
PT: *raises eyebrow*

Me: OK, close to puking.
PT: Please don't puke, I don't want to have to clean it up.
Me: Gotcha. Stopping before puking.

Me: Does it have to be arm day? I couldn't pick up my burger after last weeks session... oh, wait, now I see the point of arm day.
PT: You don't stop talking, do you?
Me: I talk shit when I'm nervous.
PT:  I noticed. Six more. 

PT: You OK? 
Me: My head is pounding and it's getting dark in here
PT: Yeah, time to stop. Best to pull back before you pass out.

Me: See you next week?
PT: Yep, good work today.

Slow progress is still progress - a #GlowGetsFit update

The last time I joined I gym I was 18 and in my first year of uni. I was around 55kg and thought I was fat (oh, the hilarity!) so I joined the campus gym all "yeah, let's do this, let's get totally smokin' hot".

That feeling lasted about three weeks. After a handful of sessions did not see me looking like a supermodel I gave up. Because motivation and I are not usually on speaking terms.

But this time, something has shifted. I'm enjoying going to the gym. I can hear you now: "Wait, what? Who are you and what have you done with the real Glow? I mean c'mon, really?". But I mean it. At least right now I do, who knows what next week will bring.

It's been about five weeks and I've gone to the gym at least five times a week. More times in the first week than I ever went to the uni gym, actually. I do pump class, combat, yoga, weights, or sometimes I'm just a cardio bunny and I jog on the treadmill. I have no idea about jogging, but I can sustain 7km/hour for 1.6km without stopping. Everyone else on Instagram is running marathons and here I am rejoicing at 1.6km, but for me that is huge. HUGE!

As someone who has suffered from a diagnosed chronic pain disorder for over a decade (and the decade before that when it was non diagnosed and involved a shit load of trips to the childrens' hospital for nuclear scans and what not), exercise is still very new to me.

I mean, I had an ACROD pass for ten years for Christ's sake. Disabled parking! My muscles and ligaments were so pathetic at their job that I was allowed the same parking privileges as those with exploding hearts and peeps in wheelchairs. Granted I rarely used it because I was always abused by people who have no idea what an invisible disability is, but still, I had the pass. I was on a disability pension because I couldn't always get out of bed (I was also a bit crazy at the time, but let's just stick with musculoskeletal shiz right now, OK?) and here I am now, running on a freakin' treadmill and attending pump classes.

I still feel my usual pain, though it has lessened over the years a bit (I gave up my ACROD permit). Well, either that or I just got used to it with the help of hundreds of hours of mindfulness training and therapy. It's definitely still there, but the post exercise pain drowns it out. Like when you're super itchy and you shove your hand under hot water so the heat cancels the itch, the work out pain is cancelling out the "me" pain.

I'm not really sounding like a good advertisement for the gym right now, am I? Go exercise and you'll hurt way more! But it's different pain. It's pain for a reason. I did something kickass to elicit these aching muscles, rather than just waking up unable to walk for no reason.

If I can't get to the gym, I spend about twenty minutes on the elliptical (the one I scored for free at bulk rubbish which is AWESOME and works perfectly except for the temperature gauge - why do I need one of those though?) and will do some sit ups and kettle bell work at home. Or yoga so the kids can join in.

I haven't weighed myself since I started. I don't feel the need to because this isn't about being skinny. I want to be strong. I want to be fit. And I can feel it happening already, slowly but surely. I can ride further, jog further (the fact I can jog at all is awesome, really), lift heavier things, walk up stairs without needing the handrail. So many things I couldn't do before. But saying that, I wouldn't turn down some associated weight loss, just so I could fit in my damn clothes again. It would be nice, not gonna lie.

So here I am, getting fitter. Getting stronger. Feeling the urge to share inspirational fitness memes (it's a sickness, I apologize). Wanting to buy new workout pants. Listing the pros and cons of Garmins vs Fitbits. Taping my aching feet and shins. And feeling fucking awesome.

5 Lazy Lunchbox Tips (say organised, it sounds better)

This is a S1 post for Healthy Active Kids

For full details please see my disclosure policy

I have a confession to make: I love packing school lunches.

There. I said it.

I know, I know. I'm a freak. 

I'm a tad obsessed with providing healthy food for my kids, not just because of the nutrition value and fuel for their growing bodies, but because I have such a wacky relationship with food. If it was a Facebook relationship, we'd be "it's complicated". So I strive to create a life where they won't have this; where they won't be screwed up like me. Which is what all my parenting is about, really. Not screwing them up too much. Just enough to be funny.

Naturally, packing a lunchbox lets my little inner, obsessive compulsive health nut come out to play. She's my shoulder angel and tells me to "use more quinoa" and "chia seeds would make an excellent addition to this dish!".

On the opposite side, we have my shoulder devil. The one who says "dude, canteen is open today, have a sleep in and he can order a sausage roll... don't forget the sauce". It is an eternal battle because, well, I'm bone lazy. 

So how is it someone like me can enjoy packing lunches and actually manage to pack a healthy lunchbox every day? By nurturing my lazy side and getting organized. Because I value my sleep ins. 

1. Pack it the night before

After the dishes are done, I immediately dirty some more by making the next day's lunches and popping them in the fridge. Mornings are for rushing around, bleary eyed and telling children to put their shoes on for the FIFTIETH TIME. We use those fancy pants reusable wrappers and have no problem with wraps or bread going stale over night. 

Added bonus: The lunchbox contents stay colder longer because the whole thing has been cold over night.

2. Sandwiches are FABULOUS

I love a good themed lunch, I truly do. And the creations I see all over Instagram? CUUUUTE! I've even been known to attempt a few myself on special occasions. But for school? Every. Single. Day? Nup. Ain't nobody got time fo' that. OK, so some people do have time for that, but if you don't, don't panic! The humble sandwich is the bomb diggety, yo. Or bring out the big guns and put the filling in a wrap. 

3. Fruit is your friend

Bung in a banana or add an apple. If you've got a liquid proof lunchbox and wanna get a bit more fancy, cut up a fruit salad, squeeze some lemon juice over it, and it will keep in the fridge for a few days or anywhere up to a week. Ladle it out in to your containers the night before and off you go. Kid not got a sweet tooth? Cubes of cheese, cherry tomatoes and chunks of cucumber go great with a couple crackers. Takes two minutes and it's colourful, delicious and healthy. 

4. Batch & Freeze

Cook up a storm on the weekend of muffins, healthy brownies, muesli bars, whatever takes your fancy and then freeze them. Just before you walk out the door, grab one of the frozen morning tea treats and chuck it in - it will defrost by 10am on most days, unless you live in Tassie. I pack two lunches a day, so one batch of muffins gets me almost two weeks worth of healthy, homemade recess noms. If you're super lazy/organised, you can pre-make a week's worth of sandwiches (depending on the filling) and freeze them.

Added bonus: Frozen food doubles as a cold pack! Woot! 

5. Wash lunchboxes the minute you get home

On walking through the door, Tricky knows his first job is to take his lunchbox and drink bottle out of his bag and place them on the bench, then hang his bag up on his hook. Look at that, half the job mentioned and I haven't lifted a finger yet. BOOYAH! Empty out any crumbs, rinse it under the tap and wipe down any reusable wrappers. Don't even get a teatowel out, let that sucker drip dry on the dish drainer. 

It's all well and good to be super organized *coughlazycough*, but if your kids won't eat what you have provided you're in a bit of a pickle. Wait, do your kids eat pickles?

The Healthy Active Kids resource, established in 1999 (though it sounds cooler if I say last century) is designed, as the name suggests, to encourage kids to eat healthy and be active. It's a resource for families, with games and recipes, plus lesson plans and worksheets for teachers. In an effort to promote a fit lifestyle, the site has indoor and outdoor game suggestions, as well as ideas for family activities that aren't just sport. Which, phew, because I don't do sport. 

My favourite part is the video section, with segments on how to read a nutrition panel, why we eat what we eat, interviews with athletes from the Australian Institute of Sport, and many more. 

And it's all completely free. Hurrah. 

I'd love to see the site expanded to include a few more recipes (there are only nine), particularly in terms of healthy snacks (for 3:45pm when Tricky swears he is about to starve to death) and, of course, more lunchbox options. Maybe even some colouring in pages and matching activities for the littler kids. As it stands though, it's been incredibly successful with schools reporting 90% of students changed their eating habits for the better after participating. So kudos to them. 

I've got some Healthy Active Kids prize packs to give away, consisting of portion plates, lunchbox stickers and aprons. To win a pack, tell me what you do to encourage your children to be Healthy Active Kids.

I can't believe what my back xray showed

Photo by Michael Dorausch via Creative Commons. Text added.

The thing with training (and I'm using the term quite loosely) six days a week, is that any past injuries or niggling pains come out of the woodwork. Considering I've got a chronic pain disorder, it means my daily pain level has moved from whinge worthy to GIVE ME DRUGS worthy. It's being managed with strength training and Tramal  - ahhh, Tramal, I love you.

My mid back has been giving me the most grief since #GlowGetsFit started. It has bothered me for years. It feels like my spine isn't moving and my muscles are spasming. Last Saturday I was at friend's house for her 30th and by 9:30pm I sent MapGuy to the playroom to find a ball so I could get some relief. Everyone else was looking glam, and there I was, rolling a tennis ball between my back and a brick wall so that I could stay another hour.

After much deliberation and an embracing of my crunchy mama self, I booked in to see a Chiropractor. I've never been a fan of the profession, and have spent years and hundreds of dollars seeing physiotherapists and being loaded up with anti-inflammatories by GPs. I'm in such agony that I am willing to try anything.

Before my first treatment I was sent for xrays. Standing or sitting in one position kills me (never sit next to me on a plane if you can help it) so the process of getting them done and not being allowed to move almost brought me to tears.

Yesterday I got the results:

Query for Ankylosing Spondilitis. Big words for chronic inflammatory disease of the spine. Suspected because of the degeneration of my vertebrae. Apparently it has a large genetic component, and since my dad has it, I'm off for further tests.

Osteophytes. Big word for extra bone growth on my vertebrae. Also known as "parrot beaks". There are parrot beaks on my spine. Bwaarrk.

I thought that sounded bad, but then I was in for the shock of my life.

"Have you been in a car accident? A while ago?" he asked.

I thought back and remembered that I had actually been in a car vs bus crash. It was 1996 and my sports class was returning to school from swimming lessons. There were 30 of us crammed in to a 21 seat bus, meaning kids were in the aisles and my best friend and I, being the last to board, were on the steps. Totally sounds safe, right? Our teacher pulled out... smack, bang, straight in to a car traveling at 70km/h.

I was thrown against the doors of the bus and came back down, my mid back landing on the edge of the step, my head snapped back and hit the knee of a girl behind me, knocking me, momentarily, unconscious. I don't remember the impact, but my cuts and bruises told the story. All I remember was seeing a couple of blokes trying to force the bus doors open, and wondering why on earth were they doing that for. Ambulances turned up, a bunch of kids were loaded in to them and taken to hospitals around Perth. After a bit of poking and prodding, I was told I was fine, and sent home.

Bizarrely, the things I remember most about the crash is the blood on my stretcher from a small head wound, the cuts on my leg that were the exact shape of the door opening mechanism and my school skirt covered in grease from the door hinges.

"Yeah, almost 20 years ago... " I replied

"It's likely you had a vertebral wedge fracture."

Registering my blank look, he continued.

"At some point, you've broken your back. It's healed now, but this vertebrae is 7mm shorter on this side than the other."

HOLY SHIT, I BROKE MY BACK?!?!

That is INSANE!

He went on to explain that it's a compression fracture, and it could have been missed on initial xrays for a bunch of reasons, including if a scared 14 year old was crying a bit when they were being taken.

He let the news sink in and asked how I felt about that.

"I bloody told you it hurt!"

If I'm honest, I'm a bit pissed off that there is nothing much that can be done for the majority of the issues the xray showed, but at the same time, knowing there is a reason for my pain other than me just being weak and whingey, is actually reassuring. Hooray, I'm not (very) pathetic.

For the rest of the issues, like the wonky hips and stuff, I'm going to see a Chiropractor. I am scared and a little skeptical, but I'm so sick of this pain that I'd try almost anything right now to ease it.

5 Things No One Told Me About Getting Fit

Every day I'm shufflin'. I hope you have that song in your head now, because I do. Doo doo do doo do doo doo. I don't run. I do a part jog, part walk, part stumble "shuffle", hence the song. It's a signature move of mine, a result of having no idea what I'm doing and being in quite a fair amount of pain.

It's week four of my new fitness regimen and I'm doing pretty well. I'm slower and less fit that the average people in my fitness group, but the way I figure it, I'm not trying to be better than them, I'm trying to be better than me. And pretty much anything is an improvement on couch dwelling, sundae eating, chocolate chugging, Glow.

There's been a few things that have come as quite a shock to the system this last month. You know, other than the actual full body shock that is exercise when you're terribly unfit. I wish people had told me this:

1. You'll be jogging along, knackered but feeling like a bit of a super star at the same time, and a child, possibly your own, will effortlessly overtake you. Little shits.
2. You will have more washing to do. If you're doing proper workouts there is no "oh, I'll just air it out and wear it again tomorrow", you have to wash everything right now. You'll start showering in your bra to keep it in good condition. A whole extra outfit a day, sometimes TWO! 
3. You will hurt every day. I seriously thought it would get less painful. I was so wrong. So very, very wrong. I'm only now, a month in, moving from "it huuuuuuuuurts" to "ooh, I really worked those muscles". It's not hurting less, but I'm getting (a bit) fitter. I didn't think it would happen, and for all I know it might turn back around next week because, well, I'm pretty whingey. I'll let you know.
4. You will go through SO MUCH SHAMPOO. Because sweaty hair is disgusting. Blergh. My pink sections are so faded because I just keep stripping it out every day. 
5. You will worship good fitting shoes, Epsom Salts, Deep Heat and the pain killer of your choice. My choice is Tramal because my body is pretty fucked. They'll become your own little essentials kit and you will guard them with your life. 

Saturday is my check in day. I have to do a benchmark fitness test, weigh myself and take all my measurements. I'm a bit scared, to be honest, because I haven't got a clue what the difference will be in the numbers and I don't know what is good and not so good. What I do know, is that the couple of times I've shuffled on the treadmill these past four weeks, the machine tells me I've burned few hundred calories. And I'm all THAT MUCH EFFORT FOR A TIM TAM?! Fuck this shit.

I'm trying not to worry about the number on the scale, because it's just a number, but if it's not really changed that much... I admit, I'll be disappointed. I've never been this motivated before, and I guess I'm just afraid of losing my mojo.

Fingers crossed tomorrow's results spur me on and don't make me crash and burn. Wish me strength, resilience, fitness, determination, pain free running, and all those good things.

What your fitness essentials? Did anything shock you when you first started?

Glow Gets Fit

I've been kicking ass lately, even if I do say so myself.

I've been following the Get Commando Fit program (GCF - I've fulfilled my sponsorship obligations, anything I say about them now is unpaid) and I've been trying my bloody hardest. As someone who eats her feelings, it has been challenging on the hard days to not just go and get a sundae or some chips. Twice I've had a scoop of icecream, but it was a scoop not the whole tub like I'd usually do. And rather than going "well I've fucked up, might as well order a pizza, too" I've tried to be all zen and shit about it. It happened. Move on. Eat better tomorrow.

I know, right, who even am I? Next thing you know I'll be writing fitspo quotes or some shit.

I have motivation for the first time in forever. I'm eating well and exercising, along with doing daily yoga for free thanks to YouTube. Tricky and Bobbin join me most mornings before school, waving their little bottoms in the air for Downward Dog. If my bottom looked as cute as that I'd wave it in the air at every opportunity I got.

Accidentally matched my kettlebell to my top. #Glowgetsfit #knowthyself #nearlyvomitedaftertodaysworkout

A photo posted by glow (@glowless) on Feb 24, 2015 at 6:24pm PST

I weighed myself last week and I've lost a few kilos, but I'm resisting the urge to do it again until the GCF benchmark test in a few more weeks because I'm one of those obsessive people and I'll end up focusing too much on the number, which doesn't mean much, and less on how I'm feeling. I want to be fit and healthy. I want to be strong. I don't want to be a number.

My clothes are looser and my head is held higher. That's good enough for me.

Right now I'm sore. Bloody sore. And I could sleep for a week and still not feel refreshed because I'm exhausted. My doctor is working with me, doing some blood tests and the like, to help me get on track, and keeping me supplied with lovely pain meds - though I'm taking 1/6th of what was originally prescribed now.

It's a different type of pain, the post workout pain. I don't like it, but at the same time I don't hate it the way I do the muscle and ligament agony that comes with my chronic pain. I'm learning to differentiate between the two and it's a slow process. Figuring out what pain I can push through and what pain is seriously telling me to stop or I won't be able to look after my kids tomorrow.

I'm getting there. I'm planning on kicking even more butt, and having an online cheer squad is bloody amazing, so thank YOU!