Shove your stigma

Back in May I wrote about all the red flags on my file for post natal depression as part of the One Million Mums in May movement by PANDA for The Shake. If this weird brain of mine was in a graduating highschool class it would be voted "brain most likely to have a breakdown" so when I'd felt a little off for a few weeks during my pregnancy I made sure my midwife knew and I went and spoke to a counsellor to have a plan in place should I need it.

I copped a bit of flack for that article. I was told that "some people" thought I was speaking about things that should remain private. Funnily, those "some people" wouldn't say this to my face and got others to do the dirty work for them.

If it is taboo to talk about the possibility of needing help for mental illness and creating a preventative mental health plan, then what hope do those who do need help have? How much longer will it carry such shame that there are those that would warn you off talking about it?

These last few weeks, those thoughts have been racing through my head. Do I appease the "some", keep my mouth shut and feel like a fake, or, do I just put it out there, knowing that there are others who can relate. Others who may have been in the same boat and can offer a word of support; others who are there now, and need that little push to ask for help.

So I'll say it. I have post natal depression. There. Did it.

This isn't the most appropriate way to let my family know, but I just couldn't find the words to say it to them face to face. How do I even start that conversation when on the outside everything looks so fine? Oh hey, this slice is delicious, you must give me the recipe, and by the way I'm looking in to inpatient treatment for my mental illness.

So I'll sit behind my computer screen, safe behind the keyboard that lets me say these things and not have to see your face. Or let you see mine. Because mine is tear streaked and seems to have more wrinkles on it than ever before. I look old. I feel old.

I've been struggling. Really struggling. There is a lot going on in my life right now and I suppose I'm a bit stupid for taking so much on, but there isn't much I can do about it now.

A few weeks ago it became glaringly obvious this was more than just a temporary low mood.

Because crying for hours after the kids are in bed because you think your latest blog post was a bit shit isn't normal.

Because not being able to turn your brain off until 1am and then waking at 4am is not normal.

Because breaking down in to tears and becoming mute when someone asks you to make a simple decision (what you want for lunch?) and you just don't know isn't normal.

Because standing in front of the fridge and eating two blocks of chocolate without taking a breath isn't normal.

Because falling to the floor in a sobbing heap when you have a bad day care drop off isn't normal.

Because shaking like a leaf and crying at a loud noise isn't normal.

My nerves are shattered. I feel like I have ants under my skin. The pressure is building and I can't seem to find that release valve. So I called for help. And I'm getting it.

Having worked tirelessly to get off medication, I find myself a little disappointed to be back on it after all these years and find it hard to admit that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. And I'm so sad that it means I can no longer donate my milk to the prems.

But here I am, medicated and back in therapy. It is helping me sleep, which is good because I'm just so tired. The lethargy goes right the way through to my bones. Map Guy has been given carers leave so that I can just chill out for a week to try and keep from needing inpatient treatment.

I've been trying to keep going out, seeing friends, doing normal things. All the things that I really don't want to do but I know I should. And I'm so lucky to have friends that could tell something was up and have been checking in on me. 

So that is that. I'm sure I should be feeling empowered, but I don't. All I want to do is just go to bed and snuggle with my family. To feel MG's arms around me and tell me it will be OK, to hear Tricky talk about cars and tell me a fart joke, see Bobbin smile and hear her giggle when I kiss her scrummy neck. Those three people are my lifeline and stopping me from going over the edge. For them, and for me, I will stand up and ask for help.

And I flat out refuse to believe that talking about this is shameful.

Shove your stigma.

Letter to Bobbin - three months old

Dear Bobbin,

You, my girl, are pure sunshine. There is no other way to describe it. Your smile is just so radiant that anyone near you is instantly transported to their happy place and starts speaking baby talk.

You are a very chilled out little bebeh. You're happy to be carried around by absolutely anyone and love to see what is going on around you. On Wednesdays when we go to kindy with Tricky the ladies whisk you away and pass you around so they can each get their baby fix. You happily oblige, beaming at each new person who cuddles you.

You already have eyes for one person and one person only. Tricky. Unless you're hungry in which case the boobs win without question. But, oh, how you gaze at him! He plays with your hands and feet, and covers you with kisses constantly. Sometimes when you're asleep. Unsurprisingly, you don't like it quite so much then.

He asks to hold you all the time and is convinced he can carry you. Sometimes he holds you nice and tight and you love it but other times you get this look on your face that says "you're not gonna let this boof of a boy drop me, are you?". You cry and he tries so hard to soothe you, calling your name and telling you everything will be alright.

He has dropped your nickname already and if I'm honest, I'm a little disappointed. Having a girl called Henry was kinda cool. 

Your milestones are all over the place. A few weeks ago you could barely do a baby pushup but you decided you would like to roll. And roll. And roll. Over and over. Back to front came first, and since you are still not the biggest fan of tummy time, it was met with much screaming. A few days later you figured out you could just push off and roll back over. Much less screaming now. Hoorah!

This all seems to have happened overnight. Quite possibly because we are living with your Perth grandparents right now and you're actually able to get down on the floor without fear of some horrid lung disorder developing.

You are quite the chatterbox and will babble your way through most of the day. We have some mighty interesting conversations and you think I'm hilarious. You chat to anyone who will talk to you plus the Christmas Tree and your own reflection.

We are hard at work to get your bedroom ready back at our house and can't wait to be back there, all settled in for our first Christmas as a family of four. Things are really stressful right now but I look at you and your Muppet smile I know that everything will be alright.

Thank you for being the light at the end of this tunnel.

Much love,

Mama xxx

Feeding and Fashion

This is a S2 post

For full details please see my disclosure policy

I do not profess to be a style icon. I know next to nothing about fashion. But I do know that the options for mamas who breastfeed can be limited so when I saw how gorgeous the clothes from Milk and Love were, I knew I had to have some.

If you follow WMG on Facebook or Instagram then you might have seen me trying out a few breastfeeding dresses from their online maternity and breastfeeding store recently (or even pre-Bobbin when I started wearing this awesome waterfall cardi that has hidden buttons to turn it into a breastfeeding wrap).

I've been reviewing a few dresses (and a couple of tops) because I am getting sick of just wearing shorts and tshirts every single day. With summer almost here, and the weather well and truly hot in Perth already, I wanted to put a few summer styles to the test.

The first one I tried out was the Zahra Applique Dress. You would never guess it was a breastfeeding dress and every single time I've worn it I've had so many compliments on it. I absolutely loved that I could wear it with a pair of nude heels, a bit of a nice hair do and a fascinator to make it in to a smart dress but that it works just as well with sandals and a sunhat to be completely casual.

It allows great breast access which is particularly important for us larger bossomed gals or newbie breastfeeders. Because it really doesn't look like a breastfeeding dress and you can't tell how it works just from the front, I put on a white bra and took a photo to show you how it opens (bottom right)!

I also tried out the Getaway Day Dress which comes in both a full length maxi dress and a knee length version. I opted for the shorter one just to show off my lily white legs and blind passers by. What I loved about it was how the breastfeeding clips are concealed by a small piece of fabric so it doesn't scream breastfeeding dress. They did make it a little trickier to refasten the strap after feeding at first, but I got used to it pretty quickly. This one comes with a built in shelf bra that offered light support and depending on where I was going (read: how many people I was likely to run in to) would determine whether I wore a bra with it for extra support. It is fully lined, but I found out the hard way that you still shouldn't wear neon blue undies with it. See? Not a fashionista!

Left: Getaway Day Dress. Right: Frills and Grace Maxi Dress.

I took the Frills and Grace Maxi Dress for a quick spin and loved the frills and the, err, grace. This one was easy to feed with because it unbuttons at the breast but still has another layer underneath to be a bit more discreet. I'm not a fan of the tops and dresses that skip this part - It just feels like so much more skin is exposed when they don't have that teeny tiny little camisole layer.

All three of the dresses are nice and roomy over the tummy without looking like tents and can be worn as maternity dresses or, in my case, cover-the-paunch dresses.

I also road tested the Myo Waist Shaper Compression Top because of said paunch. Whilst I did love the slimming look the compression band offered, I think it would be better suited to women with a smaller bust and not my ginormous knockers (I range between an E and an F depending on how long between feeds). The right size for around my tummy was just a tad too small for the boobs and the right size in the boobs meant no compression for the tum. But this is something I've always struggled with as a large chested gal.

A smaller bust size would still have great breast access through the arms, but it was a little restrictive for me. Which is a shame because I wanted to have those extra muffins without the muffin top. When Bobbin is taking some solids and I deflate a little, it will be perfect.

Milk and Love also sell the groovy necklace I'm wearing in some of these photos, the 7 Pebble Necklace in Egyptian Teal. It's one of those food grade silicone teething necklaces that mean your kid can gob on it without hurting their chompers. Because of the materials you do need to run them under the tap to stop them feeling 'furry', but if your kid is actually chewing it you'd be cleaning it more often anyway. Well, at least I hope you would be.

On a side note that shows my maturity level, I found it completely hilarious when I looked down at the largest pebble resting on my boobs and read the brand name... Nibbly Bits.

I bloody love how maternity and breastfeeding clothes are becoming more and more fashionable. Not a potato sack in sight! If you're thinking that buying online isn't the go because you can't try it on, well you don't have to worry because the lovely Corryn at Milk and Love actually lets you try on and return the ones that don't fit, which is why I bought the compression top in two different sizes.

If you feel like popping over to say hi, you can find Milk and Love on Facebook and Twitter. Tell her Glow sent you. And if you feel like buying something, chuck in GLOWING10 for 10% off your first order!

How to create the ultimate Christmas Table for kids

This is a S1 post

For full details please see my disclosure policy

Do you hear that? A mixture of sleigh bells and exasperated sighs? That is the sound of Christmas zooming towards you. You’re gonna blink and it will be here already, so best you get cracking and start thinking of what will be happening at your place.

Having little ones around at Christmas makes it so magical. Their faces lighting up when they come running out to check if Santa has been yet (he has, he has!) has got to be one of the best sights in the world. But when it comes to getting toddlers and preschoolers to the table for Christmas lunch you might need to be a little creative to lure them away from their awesome new toys. A beautiful table fit for the pages of a magazine, whilst looking amazing, is not always practical when you have three foot tall bulldozers running around.

So here are a few ways to create a child-proof table that will encourage them to put down the new LEGO and actually have something to eat! Now, I’m no decorator or party planner (I don’t see an old pallet and immediately want to repurpose it into a table) so this is aimed at other creatively challenged folk like me!

Create an inviting table
Set up a fun kids table by heading to the BIG W Christmas aisle to check out all the cute (and budget friendly) things available. I used:

• A plastic table cloth for easy clean up at the end of the meal - $2
• A length of wrapping paper for colour - $2
• Santa and Penguin drink bottles - $3 each
• Display stand - $4
• Brightly coloured bon bons - $5 for 12
• Gingerbread house kit centrepiece - $10 
• Goodie bags - see below

Goodie bags are goooooood
A few inexpensive toys and choccies in a goodie bag will go down a treat. I used:

• Santa and Penguin goodie bags - 2 for $1
• Pudding chocolates - $2 for 10
• Chocolate coins - $2 for 10
• Bubble blowers - $2 for 2
• Candy canes - $2 for 30
• Disney bauble - $2 each

Have a fun centrepiece
With a mile a minute three year old and a baby I won’t have too much spare time on my hands over Christmas so I’ve gone the easy (well, easier) route and bought the $10 BIG W Gingerbread House Kit for our table centrepiece. It’s great for time poor folk (and those too addicted to Candy Crush) because it comes all ready for you to put together. No baking, no templates and no cutting out shapes!

I’ve never actually made a gingerbread house before, I usually make gingerbread men, so my first attempt at the house, was, err, interesting. I asked Tricky to help and he was so excited, but ended up mostly wanting to watch and cover the place in sprinkles.



Serve some fun food
I’m all for kids having the same meal as the adults, but sometimes having a few finger foods that are just for the little ones is great.

Santa Hat Strawberries – Pipe some whipped cream on a small muffin or pikelet, pop on a strawberry, then add a blob of cream on top. Voila, Santa hats! If you don’t have a piping bag place the whipped cream in a sandwich bag and snip a tiny bit off the corner.

Santa Face Savoury Crackers – Cut salami in to hat shapes (I cut a circular slice in to quarters to save time). Pipe a dot of ricotta on to a cracker to ‘glue’ the hat on. Pipe more ricotta on to create a beard and the trim on the hat. Don’t forget the pom pom on top! Hint: if the ricotta is too thick to pipe, add a little water and stir thoroughly.

Sandwich Stars – OK so a cheese and vegemite sanga isn’t really gourmet, but if you use a star cutter then all of a sudden it’s a Christmas cheese and vegemite sandwich and thus tastes so much better.

Win $100 to spend at BIG W by telling me your top Christmas table decorating tip below

Branching out

Six months ago I was approached with a super secret squirrel offer. There were emails sent, notes taken and meetings attended. All of these were done under the cover of darkness and required a secret handshake and codenames. OK so maybe not, but it was under the strict instruction that I was to keep tight lipped about it all.

The urge to run around singing "I know something you don't know" was enormous. I can keep other people's secrets no problem, but something to do with myself? I feel like I'm going to burst! Luckily with the whole preggo thing there was no chance of getting a bit blabby after a few wines.

The enormous secret? That the Australian Writers' Centre was heading on over to the land of Sandgropers. The part where I come in that made it so hard to keep my over-sharing trap shut? Oh, nothing much, just ME teaching the Blogging for Beginners course. Me? ME! MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I know, I was just as surprised as you are. Apparently relying on profanity to get your point across does not disqualify you from all things proper and writerly.

In what is no doubt a soul crushing blow to educators the world over, I am now technically a teacher and will be putting it right on top of my resume. I'm thinking of getting a teacher's desk to complete my transformation and I fully expect apples to be left on it (5S thanks).

I can also now be mentioned legitimately in the same sentence as some very fancy people I idolize such as Karen Edwards, Allison Tait, Valerie Khoo, Tim Gooding, Kim Berry, Kerri Sackville and Nicole Avery. And not just in a "Did you see that Glow was stalking Nicole again?" way but in a "They both teach classes at the Australian Writers' Centre" way.

Holy shit, I'm almost certain typing those words just caused me to have a small stroke. Mind = BLOWN!

There are some mighty big shoes to fill here, with my east coast counterparts being the divine Kim Berry and the inimitable Karen Andrews. The pressure! THE PRESSURE!!

Students of the class can rest assured that the content is not created by yours truly, merely delivered with a personal touch and an anecdote or two. And whilst I can't promise anything I will attempt to reign in my F bombs for the comfort of those pupils with delicate constitutions. It's just that I don't swear around my children so when they're out of earshot the words seize the opportunity and come tumbling out like Tourettes, not knowing when they'll get another chance.

If you've ever played with the idea of blogging then I'd definitely suggest you check out the course. Not just to ensure my future employment but because it is actually full of the things that will really help you start up a blog.

Bloggers: What did you wish you knew when you started your blog?
Non Bloggers: What is stopping you starting a blog?