How to handle a toddler tantrum - a pictorial tutorial

Some days, I stand with my chest puffed out and survey my surroundings thinking maaan I'm good at this parenting gig and that I deserve a freakin medal. Actually scratch that, I don't want a medal, I'll just have a sleep in.

And other days, I stand with my shoulders slumped and peer out from behind my hair thinking maaan I suck at this parenting thing. I get angry and frustrated at all the goddamn crumbs on the floor, I spend too much time telling Tricky "just one more minute" when I'm tweeting working and not doing housework. Dishes go undone and the piles of clean washing on my floordrobe are getting so high that I've started telling visitors it's actually a work of modern art meant to make a statement about consumerism. Strangely, no one believes me.

But I digress.

It is always on these days that Tricky throws a tantrum. Something about him picking up my anxious vibes, I'm told. I think it's that and a little helping of Murphy's law. Murphy is a fuckwit. If I ever meet him I'm going to knee him in the nuts. 

So, since I'm obviously mediocre at this parenting caper I thought I'd selflessly share what I've learned about toddler tantrums and how to de-stress after them, in picture form. You're welcome.

Sometimes your child will crack the shits for no good reason:

They may give you attitude when you serve them nutritious, organic food that you've made from scratch:

Or maybe they've decided to not eat your food at all and just pull faces at you:

They'll throw themselves on the floor, kicking and screaming so loud that people in neighbouring suburbs will wander outside expecting to find a cat being strangled on their doorstep. A toddler's ear piercing screams carry. Very well.

In all of these cases, you may very well become ultra stabby and look like this:

Because that mongrel Murphy is still around you will see someone you know as you give your tantruming devil-spawn the evil eye and threaten them with no food/toy/TV if they don't stop being silly and quit embarrassing you (because it's ALL about YOU). Now if parenting forums are anything to go by, all mothers are complete bitches who talk behind their friends' backs so this little tid bit of information will go around, probably on Facebook, until the whole world knows YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER WHO CAN'T CONTROL HER FERAL CHILD.

So in order to avoid (another) complete mental breakdown, now that the world's been told you're not SuperMum, the best way to chill out is to ensure you have a few key tools on hand at all times.

Alcohol. This is for you, not the child. I would consider giving it to the child like they used to do, but that would mean less for me and I do not share my wine. I recommend a hip flask so you can have some on hand at all times.

A bath tub to soak in, with optional candles and smelly, bubbly stuff too. Hard to carry around in your pocket, I know, but I've found those clam shell sand/water pits work almost as well. Pour in some bubbly stuff then simply drop your toddler in while they're tantruming and they will thrash around so much and agitate the water enough to foam up the bath. When the desired amount of bubbles are reached, handball the child to the nearest grandparent and jump in.

If all else fails or there is a distinct lack of alcohol and bubble baths, grab a dummy and sulk on Twitter where everyone else will tell you their parenting fails so you don't feel so bad.

Now that you're sufficiently whingey, pruney and tipsy, go to bed. Remember that tomorrow, when you wake up, it's a whole new day and it might just be fabulous.

How do you de-stress after a toddler tantrum?

iProtect my iPhone from my iToddler - Review & Giveaway

We've established previously that whilst I'm a bit of a Crunchy Mama that I'm not adverse to a bit of iParenting when the situation calls for it. Distracting Tricky from his crazy itchy eczema long enough for the creams to work stopped him gouging his skin off for the 3000th time and that alone makes me happy to say I'm OK with iStuff.

A few weeks ago I got myself a new baby... An iPhone 4S (the S stands for SUPER!) - the first top of the range phone I've ever bought. Tricky had his eye on it from the moment I whipped it out of the box. With Tricky (and every other toddler) it's a little bit like When Harry Met Sally because as soon as I start using something he comes along and says/grunts/cries "I'll have what she's having"... and there is Buckley's chance I'm giving him an $800 toy without any sort of protection. And no, a $5 jelly case just ain't gonna hack it, not with Mr Destructo.

Enter the Fisher Price Apptivity Case for iPhones (and iPod touch too!).

Oh my gawd. This little thing is unbelievably good.

Concentrating so hard. Also: cheeeeeeks!

Some of the things I love about it are the clear film that protects from drool and grubby, sticky fingers and the rubberized, shock absorbing inner lining which meant my two day old phone survived without a scratch when Tricky decided to throw it on to the pavement (my heart did miss a beat though).

But the thing that makes this little gadget completely awesome in my eyes is the way you can choose to block the home key to stop your clever munchkin navigating out of their game educational program and in to the app store to buy a $7.99 interactive guide to the best Himalayan eateries.

Because you have to lock the phone in, it does mean you've got almost zero chance of getting it out in time if you get a phone call... and if you have the home key blocked you won't be able to navigate back to the app without getting the whole thing out and starting again - but it's a small price to pay for the safety of your iBaby.

Playing with the apps that come with the case

Aaaand the bit you've been waiting for, I've got one of these to give away!

To get your baby or toddler's sticky hands on it all you have to do is tell me what was on the grubbiest, yuckiest, stickiest hands that were wiped all over you/your stuff by your charming spawn. For an extra entry, Tweet or Facebook about the giveaway then come back and tell me with a separate comment for each.


Entry is open to Australian residents only. Entries close at 10pm AEDST on Monday 12th December 2011 at which time three winners will be chosen using a random number generator. Make sure you sign in to the comment platform with a valid email address/twitter handle or leave your details as part of your comment so you can be contacted. Winners have one week to reply to notification, failing that, the prize will be redrawn. The prize is provided by Fisher Price and Thrive PR and is not transferable.

Protect a Bed (and Your Sanity) - giveaway

Aaaages ago I went to a Blogger’s Brunch in Melbourne. One of the products I picked up while I was there was a Protect-a-Bed mattress protector for a cot.

Now because I want a review to be a real review I got it out and washed it to be ready. But it was still a little strong smelling (possibly to do with my hippy detergent), so one more go through the machine with the next load and we were in business. Right, we'll have this show on the road now... or so I thought.

I put it on Tricky’s bed and waited. And waited. And waited some more. I wasn’t happy to just tell you how it had worked when I saw it demonstrated with a bag of liquid that looked like a breast implant because that doesn’t really tell you much (other than that bags of protective fabric with water in them make me think of boobs). We need real world examples or a review is pointless. So I kept waiting. I waited MONTHS such is my dedication to bringing you a genuine review. You're welcome.

I’m loathe to talk about my child’s bodily functions in detail. I don’t think it’s necessary. We all know what comes out of babies and toddlers – describing the minutiae of it (particularly on your Facebook page) is rather disturbing. So I’m going to do this in a rather round about way.

Tricky wasn’t well at the beginning of last week… in a Holy-Crap-I-Have-To-Strip-The-Bed-At-2am-And-Put-You-In-The-Sink-To-Change-Your-Clothes kinda way. This is normally quite closely followed by the Why-On-Earth-Did-I-Have-Children bang head against the wall maneuver. I’m sure you understand.

Middle of the night sanity saver

I’d been waiting to test out the bed protector with the leaks that sometimes occur with a cloth nappy and a lot of drinks before bed but woah, did I put this thing through it’s paces.

I stripped the bed and thanks to the protector, Tricky’s mattress was there, clean as the day it was bought and even smelling fresh much to my surprise!

So the waterproof and stain barrier function get gigantic rainbow ticks of approval from me - especially because in the move of sheets from bed to washing machine you don't have to worry about anything leaking or dripping down your leg on to your carpet. I'm shuddering at the thought.

The online brochure suggests it would be great against accidental spills too, like a knocked over cup of coffee... but I'm going to suggest you don't give your baby a cup and saucer of coffee at any time, let alone in their cots (a sippy cup, is fine though, obviously).

I’ve got one of these dustmite protecting, coffee repelling, waterproof, breathable, ultra comfy Quilted Cotton Fitted Cot Mattress Protectors to give away thanks to the generous folk at Protect-a-bed (read more details about the features here)! If your little one is still in a cot or you have a friend up the duff and would like to win a pressie for her, tell me below if there was one thing you would never give your child to eat because of the “result” what would it be. DO NOT TELL ME THE RESULT!

For an extra entry you can tweet about it then come back here and leave another comment saying you did (it goes by numbers, each comment is an entry!). If you can't comment email me.

You can also follow Protect-a-Bed on Facebook on Twitter


Entry is open to Australian residents only. Entries close at 10pm AEDST on Monday 24th October 2011 at which time a winner will be chosen using a random number generator. Make sure you sign in to the comment platform with a valid email address/twitter handle or leave your details as part of your comment so you can be contacted. Winner has one week to reply to notification, failing that, the prize will be redrawn. The prize is provided by Protect-a-Bed and is not transferable.