5 Things Emo Blogging Has Taught Me

I'm getting kinda bogged down in the emo posts lately... every day I write them, and (almost) every day I relegate it to my drafts folder and flick up a recipe or a pointless vlog to keep the happy happy shiney going.

I choose to fake it til I make it... and will continue to do so until I'm either happy or in a straight jacket. So what have my more emo posts taught me???

1. That Michael Jackson was right when he sung "You are not alone" (I am here with yoooou, though we're far apaaaaaart, you're always in my heaaaaaaart). There is always someone in the same boat as you, experiencing something similar and together you can bitch and moan and not feel so isolated, particularly if you're a SAHM and don't get out much.

2. That when you go totally emo and write all about all the deep, dark, festery secrets inside, your stats will go crazy. Just like rubber neckers passing a car crash, people can't help but have a look... but it's not because they're just masochists (well, some are), it's because people can relate to it and are drawn to it.

3. That when you turn comments off in an effort to not look like you're a comment whore phishing for compliments or reassurance that people will find another way to connect with you. Your twitter feed will explode and you'll get texts and emails pouring in that you want to run away from because you can't handle people being so nice. But then you stop and think how amazing it is that people, some you've never met, care enough to offer support.

4. That whilst writing it out is cathartic, pressing publish is terrifying. You'll wonder if it was the right thing to as you realize that your immediate family, inlaws, friends and old school pals and that PR person you gave your business card to in an effort to get them to notice your blog, now know everything.

5. That it all blows over within a few days and people forget. The next person has their crisis or triumph and the blogosphere moves on to them and takes the (self-inflicted) heat off of you... at which point you'll watch your stats drop back to normal and think "You only love me for my drama, you bastards!"

Do you emo blog? What has it taught you?

He who laughs last

I was teased at school. It never went so far as bullying, just your average garden variety kids being assholes teasing. It was always over the same thing... my lips, my smile and my laugh.

You laugh too loud.

Do you ever stop laughing? 

You laugh too much.

When you smile all I can see are gums.

Your teeth are crooked.

Your lipgloss is uneven... oh wait that's your lips.

Stop pouting so much.

Nothing earth shattering. No real attacks on character or morals, but said often by enough people that I developed a complex about it; started covering my mouth when I laughed; not smiling as much; trying as hard as I could to be quieter lest someone mention my big, gummy, pouty, loudness. I doubt that my efforts would have been noticed because even after going to all that trouble I was still the loud gummy girl. It's just who I am.

Over the years I've managed to 'tone down' my smile a bit. To this day, I religiously go through photos and immediately delete the ones where the ratio of teeth to gum is out of whack - before digital cameras it was tearing up photos and putting them in the bin under the rubbish in the hope that tomatoes would ooze on them so even the garbage man couldn't see them if the bag just so happened to split open. So much effort just in case someone I didn't know saw the photo - I never said I was balanced.

The other day I was out with some new friends and when I laughed one of them said "Wow, that's such a loud laugh". He meant nothing by it, for him it was merely an observation and a statement of fact, a passing comment. But what I heard was "Wow, that's such a loud laugh. YOU ARE BEING INAPPROPRIATE. AGAIN. SHUT UP ALREADY!".

Straight away Pink's sober started playing in my head. For me it's one of those songs that speaks to my soul as if it was written for me. Also I was quite drunk on a wine tour at the time so that plays a big part too.





I felt dejected and I was instantly transported back to school. The same feelings came bubbling up as if it was yesterday.

I am always the loud one at parties. I have a social phobia but instead of being a wallflower I swing to the opposite extreme with the fake it til you make it premise because confidence, even fake confidence, is sexy, right? Right?! So I giggle and I shriek and, after a few drinks, quite often I snort too - that's how you know if I've relaxed enough to start having fun.

So I spoke up.

"I was always teased for my loud laugh at school."

The others were surprised. "But your laugh is so infectious, Glow!" (they actually called me Glow, we met through Twitter) "your whole face is involved in your laugh, you can see how much you're enjoying yourself".

I'd never heard anyone say that about me before. A positive comment on my laugh? The laugh that had just echoed, boomed even, through a high ceilinged room?

I was stunned. To be complimented on something that I've only ever gotten flack for was bizarre... but it felt good. Really good.

After carrying this around with me for about twenty years, this fear of smiling and laughing genuinely lest I be judged, one compliment isn't going to turn it around. But it's a start. I believe in starts. And I'm getting the last laugh.

Were you teased about something at school? Do you still have a complex about it?