How to make a fire engine birthday cake in 10 easy steps

So your kid is about to have a birthday and you want to impress him/her with a fire engine birthday cake but aren't quite sure how to do it? This post... um... well, it won't really be that helpful. Sorry about that. 

Step 1: Trawl the internet looking for inspiration. Get distracted by clips on YouTube of $10,000 wedding cakes and cakes the shape of Sydney Opera House

Step 2: Make a little fondant fireman that is so cute you hyperventilate at the thought of anyone eating him. Name him Freddy and update him on the progress of the cake as you go. Don't tell anyone you do this

Step 3: Make a fire hydrant that looks like the ones you see in movies. When anyone tells you that fire hydrants in Australia don't look like that, give them a death stare and tell them artistic license means you can create whatever damn fire hydrant you want

Step 4: Bake the cake, make the ganache. Cover the former with the latter and try really hard not to lick the knife. Fail miserably. 

Step 5: Create little pressure gauges, wheels, and number plates. Use gel colour, thinned down with vodka and watch everyone's eyes go wide when they come in and see you sitting there with a bottle of vodka and a shot glass on the bench

Step 6: Take a swig of the vodka, might as well, everyone thinks you already have

Step 7: Cover the cake with a shed load of bright red fondant and use edible glue to stick all the pieces on

Step 8: Take a bajillion photos and put them all over Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to show off - buy a new hat to disguise how much your head has swollen

Step 9: Melt in to a giant mushy puddle as you watch your kid's face light up when he sees it and feel like the best mum in the world. Immediately forget how many times the bloody rungs fell off the ladder and the handle came off the fire bucket

Step 10: Cry a little bit when it's time to cut the cake and all your hard work is completely destroyed. Get over it when you taste the cake and realize it tastes just as good as it looks. Start planning for next year because it has to be bigger and better