No, we are not fucking there yet and other universal truths of parenting. A poetry and picture book for adults with kids. Not for adults thinking about kids, though, because I'm positive that there would be a mad rush for the tying of tubes and a little snip snip after page one.
As someone who does long road trips with a toddler, this book title speaks to me. It speaks to me in foul language covered up by a little love heart. Because love hearts make swearing like a trooper socially acceptable. Perhaps I should walk around with a love heart on my lips?
It's not all about car trips though, it covers everything from food flinging, being pissed on, eating slugs, trips to the emergency room and, of course, mama's special grape juice, all in rhyming prose. Divine!
I love love love this poem:
On reading it and seeing the picture I'm about to ask for royalties because I'm pretty sure that screaming blond kid with the chubby cheeks is Tricky. You cannot call my kid's bluff. If you wave and say you're leaving, he'll stop his tantrum long enough to wave right on back to you and then keep going. Asshole.
If you'd love to get your hands on this book before it's released (it would make the perfect evil baby shower gift!) plus a whole swag of other Hinkler/Bonney Press titles to entertain your
What is your universal parenting truth? Mine is: the whiter the clothes, the larger the poo explosion.
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When you have finally succeeded in locating the bottom of your laundry hamper, then everyone will get Gastro.
ReplyDeleteThe quieter the child...the more expensive the item is they're destroying!
ReplyDeleteYEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
ReplyDelete*shudder*
ReplyDeleteI have a 2yo and another due in 6 weeks and I have just recently finally learned my truth: at the very second that in a mad moment of positivity I allow the thought to pass my mind that "OMFG! Well I'm actually getting quite good at this parenting lark! I can handle things! Go me!".....it will all undoubtedly go tits up once again in some new and horrifying manner :-)
ReplyDeletedon't make plans, kids ALWAYS stuff em up.
ReplyDeleteWhen they're under five and quiet for too long, go check them straight away. It can't be good. When there's two of them under five and quiet for too long, RUN! don't walk. Actually, can I change that to two under seven, cos it's just not improving yet?
ReplyDeleteOh god, all these rules are heaps scarier than what applies to a mere baby! Mine would be that the one time you don't have the spew-catching cloth/towel ready is when you'll get the biggest spew of the day. Also, when you've been battling a screaming baby for AGES, and finally have it calmed, your husband will offer to 'help'.
ReplyDeleteThat your children will ALWAYS embarrass you no matter what!-whether it's asking loudly why you have blood on you knickers when your in public toilets or mentioning they had takeaway for breakfast lunch and dinner in front of your mothers group!(it only happened once!)
ReplyDeleteThe quieter you need them to be the louder they are.
ReplyDelete