An Open Letter to Darren Simpson

Dear Darren,

Oh dear. What were you thinking?

I used to think you were a bit of alright. You were one of the only schmucks chefs on Ready Steady Cook I could bear to watch. I will admit to being charmed by your accent (I'm a sucker for the pearl of the Green Isle) more than your food and I even thought you were a bit of a dish, if you'll pardon the pun.

But now, Dazza? Well I'm a bit surprised. You don't mind if I call you Dazza, do you? It seems fitting now that you've aligned yourself with such bogan cuisine (oxymoron FTW!).

Just so we're clear, I actually like KFC and I could care less that people align themselves with brands. All power to them, it doesn't automatically make them a sell out. But doesn't partnering with KFC to create a 'signature range' go against every thing you've publicly said about the value of good food?

The other day you defended yourself by saying that people were "quick to label fast food junk" and that you were surprised that there was criticism of your effort to "improve the quality of it".

Now I believe when people label it junk they're referring to nutritional value and calorie count. I fail to see how chucking a piece of deep fried, battered chicken on a sour dough bun and whacking on a bit of parmesan changes very much by those standards. It's still junk food.

Kudos for using free range chicken, but that alone does not a gourmet, non-junk burger make.

I have done what you have asked and tried your burgers before passing judgement. In your super fabulously appointed kitchen they may come out looking all food porn like this:

But they're a little less appetizing when they're put together by a pimply faced, angsty teen at my local KFC:

But wait!, I hear you say, it's all about the presentation. So, for your benefit, I "plated up".

Nup, it's still shit. Anaemic lettuce and bacon that I'm pretty sure wasn't cooked. And lemme just say even with the aid of an Instagram filter to give it a bit more colour, there is no way of telling what is bun, what is cheese and what is lettuce since they are all the same shade of off-white. Mmm beige, my favourite.

And that is what you've put your name to, Dazza. Not the fancy pants version you made, but the plain, ordinary, almost-one-third-of-daily-energy-requirement version that gets handed out every day. So if you're gonna say that what's in my picture is not junk food, then that, and not the money you made, makes you a sell out.

Yours in calories,

P.S. The chips were still good.